Abraxas, Guardian
of the Universe
James Janos, aka Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura, has had an
incredibly interesting life.
He served in the US Navy during the Vietnam conflict and
became a Navy SEAL. After leaving the military, he became a bodybuilder and
served as a bodyguard for The Rolling Stones. He then transitioned into the
world of professional wrestling, where he became known for his flamboyant style
and cheating antics. Injuries curtailed his career but he soon took on a
position in the commentary booth where he became arguably the greatest colour
commentator in wrestling history.
He left the WWF in 1990 following a dispute with owner Vince
McMahon regarding royalties and entered the world of politics. In 1999, running
as a candidate for the Reform Party, he defeated his Democrat and Republican
opponents to become Governor of Minnesota. He only served one term but has
stayed politically active. He has not entirely ruled out the idea of one day
running for President (Hey, if Trump can do it).
Ventura has also stayed involved in television, running several
series based around conspiracy theories.
You can also add ‘movie star’ to his resume. His best known
roles were opposite fellow future State Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger in The Running Man and every mans’
favourite movie Predator as ‘Sexual
Tyrannosaur’ Blain Cooper, who we all know ‘ain’t got time to bleed.’
Unfortunately, this blog is dedicated to the films he’d like
to forget, like Abraxas, Guardian of the
Universe.
Written, directed and produced by Damian Lee, this is not my
first brush with his work. Early Jim Carrey film Copper Mountain also came from his pen and I endured it for my IMDB Bottom 100 series (http://badmoviehq.blogspot.co.uk/2015/10/imdb-bottom-100-nos-58-57-copper.html). So I know not to expect much good from this.
In all honesty, I’m not sure what Abraxas is. It looks like a Sci-Fi action film but other times it
feels like it’s a parody of the genre.
Ventura plays title character Abraxas, who has tracked
criminal Secundus to Earth. They used to be partners until Secundus turned heel
on Abraxas, in pursuit of eternal power through mcguffin ‘the anti-life
equation’. They both have ‘plasteel vaulting’ on their bodies so they are
basically Terminators. Apparently Secundus plan means he needs impregnate a
woman. He finds a young woman Sonia and puts his child in her. Sonia gives
birth minutes later as Abraxas chooses to spare her life despite her mothering
this incredibly dangerous being. From what I gather, the child could
potentially eliminate all life on Earth.
Skip forward five years and Sonia is struggling with life as
a single parent to mute child Tommy. One problem is him being bullied in
school. She speaks to the Principal who is none other than Jim Belushi. And I’m
sure his participation had nothing to do with being married to actress Marjorie
Bransfield (Sonia).
Not that Tommy needs protection of course. He can make
bullies wet their pants and send them flying with his mind. So the film is
basically The Terminator meets The Omen.
 |
| The Comb Eater |
Secundus had been imprisoned the previous five years but had
now escaped and was looking for his son, he calls the ‘Comater’ but all I hear
is ‘comb eater’. What does he have against combs? Remember in The Terminator
when Arnie went through the phone book finding all the Sarah Connor’s? Secundus
takes a more obtuse method and seeks out every woman hoping to find the right
one. Even though he does know Sonia’s name. How does he know who and where she
is? Yes.
But this brings back Abraxas and he fights to protect Sonia
and Tommy, against the orders of his higher ups who think he should kill the
boy. Romance is hinted between Abraxas and Sonia but can a machine learn to
love (He’s not actually a machine but the lack of emotion means he might as
well be)? And Abraxas’ organisation forbids romance. He shall take no wife,
hold no lands, father no children. Wear no crowns and win no glory. Live and
die at his post…sorry, got a little carried away there.
Abraxas is aided by his Answer Box, a smart-alec know it all
wristwatch. How about that? Abraxas,
Guardian of the Universe predicted the iWatch and Siri 20+ years early.
Secundus is defeated as The Terminators duel it out in truly epic fashion and the
Comb Eater (such a bad habit) is safe. Abraxas chooses to stay on Earth with
Sonia. There looks to be a noticeable age gap between the two on screen. Even
though Ventura was 40 when the film was made and Bransfield likely in her
mid-to-late twenties, he looks about 60 and she looks about 19.
Lets talk Arnie now because Schwarzenegger’s fingerprints
are all over this. First there is the plot of the seemingly indestructible
machine looking for the girl who has her own protector trying to keep her safe.
Then look at the cast. Ventura we already know about but Jim Belushi also
appeared with Arnie in Red Heat.
Which Marjorie Bransfield also had a small role in. Sven-Ole Thorsen (Secundus)
has appeared in 13 different
Schwarzenegger movies.
I don’t know if you are supposed to take Abraxas seriously or not and though its
certainly not good, it can easily be described as fun.
