Big Sexy. Big Daddy Cool Diesel. Oz. Call him what you will but there is no denying Kevin Nash has been one of the biggest and most influential names in professional wrestling over the last 20 years.
Some people love his straight-forward honesty (he was in it for the money and makes no attempt to hide it). He has no qualms about using the 'f' word to describe the wrestling business. Others loathe him for his selfish attitude and cite him as one of the key factors in the demise of WCW.
A controversial figure then. His quads also tear easily.
That's by the by for this blog though as we will be delving into his not particularly glittering film career.
The first point of call is the one most people know about: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze. After the turtles give Shredder a kicking to the sounds of Vanilla Ice, they end up under a dock where Shredder takes the ooze to become 'Super Shredder'. This is where Nash steps in as Shredder gains a foot in height (Nash is a legitimate 6'10"). He bashes some supports until the dock collapses on him. And that's it.
That was in 1991. You have to wait until 2004 to find his next significant film role. He had played a couple background roles in between but nothing of any real note. He had also been smart enough not to get involved in WCW's Ready to Rumble debacle.
He came back in Marvel's The Punisher movie as The Russian. Marvel hadn't quite worked out their movie format yet but this was ok. The Russian is just a big brute who dresses as a 1930's sailor, turns up to kill The Punisher, fails and is killed falling down stairs.
2005 though and Nash is back in the Adam Sandler remake of The Longest Yard (which also featured fellow wrestlers Bill Goldberg, 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin and The Great Khali). It's a chance for Big Sexy to bust his comedy chops. He plays a prison guard who has his steroids replaced with oestrogen pills before the big game. He becomes a lot more effeminate as a result (make of that what you will). To be fair to Nash, he is one of the funnier performers in the movie. On the other hand, this is an Adam Sandler movie so the competition isn't fierce.
Video game movies, they are always good aren't they? Kevin Nash took one on in 2006 when he starred in the adaptation of fighting game, Dead or Alive. His character is an interesting one as Bass Armstrong is clearly based on Nash's friend Hulk Hogan. More specifically, 'Hollywood' Hulk Hogan from the NWO-era of which Nash was a founding member. I guess the real Hogan was unavailable. The Dead or Alive games were chiefly known for their shapely female characters (yes, they were. Don't even try to deny it. Dead or Alive: Beach Volleyball, anyone?) and the film is no different. Nash's role is to get his ass kicked by on-screen daughter Tina, played by Jaime Pressly. It's not a good film, though he takes his beating well.
For the next few years, Nash done some independent movies. Most notably, River of Darkness (oh, we will get to that one day). Couple of background roles. He's done some TV work, appearing in episodes of Sabrina, the Teenage Witch and The Love Boat amongst other things. And nothing else.
What's that? Ok, fine. Kevin Nash is also in both Magic Mike movies. So, if you have a desire to see Nash as a male stripper, there you go. It's quite funny actually because he has no dancing ability...not that I've seen them of course. Oh look, he's done another of his shoot interview things...
Part One: http://badmoviehq.blogspot.com/2018/06/fifa-world-cup-intro-wars-bbc-vs-itv.html
Part Two: http://badmoviehq.blogspot.com/2018/06/fifa-world-cup-intro-wars-bbc-vs-itv_3.html
The final part of the ongoing battle between World Cup rivals BBC and ITV.
Germany 2006
ITV:
BBC:
Looking at the two, the title sequence for ITV is possibly better than BBC's but it really lets itself down with its music choice, a cover of David Bowie's 'Heroes' by Kasabian. The BBC had returned to its artsy roots with shots of German landmarks, ethereal players and Handel's 'See, the Conqueroring Hero Comes!'. No offence to Kasabian but the intro package should really show something to give a flavour of the host nation. As former ITV commentator Andy Townsend would say, 'Not for me, Clive.'
Winner: BBC
Overall: BBC 4-3 ITV
South Africa 2010
ITV:
BBC:
South Africa 2010 and not a vuvuzela in sight. Bliss. This was a damn tough one to call as both organisations 'got it.' This World Cup was more than just South Africa, this World Cup was for all of Africa. After rewatching both several times, I'm going to go with ITV as Vusi Mahlasela's 'When You Come Back' is just a bit more memorable than 'Rainbow Nation' on the BBC. Sing, sing Africa indeed.
Winner: ITV
Overall: BBC 4-4 ITV
Brazil 2014
ITV:
BBC:
Forwarding on four years and the World Cup is back in South America for the first time since 1978 and once more both sides got what the World Cup was about. ITV's effort appears at first glance to be more minimalist. Nice editing on the split screen but not over elaborate. That theme song though, anyone who tells you they didn't go to bed humming 'Bra-zil,..Brazil,..Bra-zillll!' is a liar. BBC's is similar in terms of style but with the usual artsy touches. Steven Gerrard as a plastic figurine is just weird though. Stevie Wonder's 'Another Star' arguably means the BBC effort lacks some authenticity so I have to just about give the edge to ITV.
Winner: ITV
Overall: BBC 4-5 ITV
Russia 2018
BBC:
Obviously, I can't call a winner on this one as ITV haven't revealed their opening sequence yet but the BBC's will likely be based around the above in what the BBC are already calling their 'most ambitious' title sequence ever' involving the creation of a 1200m tapestry which was then animated. ITV will need pull out something special to beat that.
As long as there is a World Cup, a BBC and an ITV this war will continue. ITV may hold the lead for now but who knows what the future may bring.
Part one here: http://badmoviehq.blogspot.com/2018/06/fifa-world-cup-intro-wars-bbc-vs-itv.html
Welcome to the second part of my review of World Cup coverage by Britain's two leading broadcasters (opinions are my own).
USA 94
ITV:
BBC:
The efforts of both companies at Italia '90 were great so inevitably at USA '94 they were both abysmal.
BBC went with the uninspiring choice of 'America' from West Side Story (because it's good to be reminded of how poorly treated immigrants are in America) and ITV went with...what the fuck is that? No, really, what is that? BBC's intro package was bad but ITV found the new circle of Hell with theirs.
Winner: BBC
Overall: BBC 2-2 ITV
France 1998
ITV:
BBC:
Tough call this one as they are both fine efforts. Do you prefer the more sophisticated, cultured, operatic quality of the Beeb or ITV's Euro-synth-pop vibe? I've got to go with the BBC on this one as the overall presentation of their intro package was just that bit better than ITV's.
Winner: BBC
Overall: BBC 3-2 ITV
Japan/Korea 2002
ITV:
BBC:
The first World Cup tournament to be held in Asia (and in two countries), so Oriental vibes were the order of the day. This saw a role reversal from France '98 as the BBC went with 'Tarantula' by dance music royalty Faithless whilst ITV opted for 'Un Bel Di' ('One Fine Day') from the opera Madame Butterfly. I will give this one to ITV because their intro sequence does a better overall job of catching the Far Eastern flavour of the tournament.
The 2018 FIFA World Cup in Russia is just 12 days away and excitement is hitting fever pitch.
A bit of a break from the norm on this blog, but with each World Cup it also brings the quadrennial battle between the BBC and ITV to have the best coverage. More specifically, the best theme and intro package. So why not take a look back at some and decide who was the winner?
Spain, 1982
Why start with Spain? No reason, its completely arbitrary but gotta start somewhere.
ITV:
BBC:
Both are pretty generic but I've got to give the edge to the Beeb for being slightly less generic in its imagery. However, there is no way my inner fanboy is ever going to let Andrew Lloyd Webber have the win over Jeff Wayne so I'm going with ITV.
Winner: ITV
Overall: BBC 0-1 ITV
Mexico 1986
ITV:
BBC:
A tough call this one. In terms of presentation, BBC wins hands down with all the Aztec imagery but the music is shite. Over on ITV though, it's hard to look past 'Aztec Gold', that would become the main theme tune for 'Saint and Greavise' until their run ended in 1992. I've got to give ITV the edge on this one too.
Winner: ITV
Overall: BBC 0-2 ITV
Italy 1990
ITV:
BBC:
No contest on this one. The ITV effort is actually pretty damn good but think of Italia '90 and almost immediately you can see Gazza's tears with Luciano Pavarotti singing 'Nessun Dorma' (translation: 'none shall sleep') over the top. A win for Auntie.
James Janos, aka Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura, has had an
incredibly interesting life.
He served in the US Navy during the Vietnam conflict and
became a Navy SEAL. After leaving the military, he became a bodybuilder and
served as a bodyguard for The Rolling Stones. He then transitioned into the
world of professional wrestling, where he became known for his flamboyant style
and cheating antics. Injuries curtailed his career but he soon took on a
position in the commentary booth where he became arguably the greatest colour
commentator in wrestling history.
He left the WWF in 1990 following a dispute with owner Vince
McMahon regarding royalties and entered the world of politics. In 1999, running
as a candidate for the Reform Party, he defeated his Democrat and Republican
opponents to become Governor of Minnesota. He only served one term but has
stayed politically active. He has not entirely ruled out the idea of one day
running for President (Hey, if Trump can do it).
Ventura has also stayed involved in television, running several
series based around conspiracy theories.
You can also add ‘movie star’ to his resume. His best known
roles were opposite fellow future State Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger in The Running Man and every mans’
favourite movie Predator as ‘Sexual
Tyrannosaur’ Blain Cooper, who we all know ‘ain’t got time to bleed.’
Unfortunately, this blog is dedicated to the films he’d like
to forget, like Abraxas, Guardian of the
Universe.
Written, directed and produced by Damian Lee, this is not my
first brush with his work. Early Jim Carrey film Copper Mountain also came from his pen and I endured it for my IMDB Bottom 100 series (http://badmoviehq.blogspot.co.uk/2015/10/imdb-bottom-100-nos-58-57-copper.html). So I know not to expect much good from this.
In all honesty, I’m not sure what Abraxas is. It looks like a Sci-Fi action film but other times it
feels like it’s a parody of the genre.
Ventura plays title character Abraxas, who has tracked
criminal Secundus to Earth. They used to be partners until Secundus turned heel
on Abraxas, in pursuit of eternal power through mcguffin ‘the anti-life
equation’. They both have ‘plasteel vaulting’ on their bodies so they are
basically Terminators. Apparently Secundus plan means he needs impregnate a
woman. He finds a young woman Sonia and puts his child in her. Sonia gives
birth minutes later as Abraxas chooses to spare her life despite her mothering
this incredibly dangerous being. From what I gather, the child could
potentially eliminate all life on Earth.
Skip forward five years and Sonia is struggling with life as
a single parent to mute child Tommy. One problem is him being bullied in
school. She speaks to the Principal who is none other than Jim Belushi. And I’m
sure his participation had nothing to do with being married to actress Marjorie
Bransfield (Sonia).
Not that Tommy needs protection of course. He can make
bullies wet their pants and send them flying with his mind. So the film is
basically The Terminator meets The Omen.
The Comb Eater
Secundus had been imprisoned the previous five years but had
now escaped and was looking for his son, he calls the ‘Comater’ but all I hear
is ‘comb eater’. What does he have against combs? Remember in The Terminator
when Arnie went through the phone book finding all the Sarah Connor’s? Secundus
takes a more obtuse method and seeks out every woman hoping to find the right
one. Even though he does know Sonia’s name. How does he know who and where she
is? Yes.
But this brings back Abraxas and he fights to protect Sonia
and Tommy, against the orders of his higher ups who think he should kill the
boy. Romance is hinted between Abraxas and Sonia but can a machine learn to
love (He’s not actually a machine but the lack of emotion means he might as
well be)? And Abraxas’ organisation forbids romance. He shall take no wife,
hold no lands, father no children. Wear no crowns and win no glory. Live and
die at his post…sorry, got a little carried away there.
Abraxas is aided by his Answer Box, a smart-alec know it all
wristwatch. How about that? Abraxas,
Guardian of the Universe predicted the iWatch and Siri 20+ years early.
Secundus is defeated as The Terminators duel it out in truly epic fashion and the
Comb Eater (such a bad habit) is safe. Abraxas chooses to stay on Earth with
Sonia. There looks to be a noticeable age gap between the two on screen. Even
though Ventura was 40 when the film was made and Bransfield likely in her
mid-to-late twenties, he looks about 60 and she looks about 19.
Lets talk Arnie now because Schwarzenegger’s fingerprints
are all over this. First there is the plot of the seemingly indestructible
machine looking for the girl who has her own protector trying to keep her safe.
Then look at the cast. Ventura we already know about but Jim Belushi also
appeared with Arnie in Red Heat.
Which Marjorie Bransfield also had a small role in. Sven-Ole Thorsen (Secundus)
has appeared in 13 different
Schwarzenegger movies.
I don’t know if you are supposed to take Abraxas seriously or not and though its
certainly not good, it can easily be described as fun.
That is, movies with wrestlers in them. And not just little
cameo appearances like The Big Show in Jingle
all the Way. I’m talking about films with wrestlers in lead roles.
It sort of makes sense doesn’t it? Wrestlers are already
actors in a way, playing a character on TV every week. Just generally, they
aren’t very good actors.
As I review the films, I may use insider wrestler terms to
describe events. Mainly because I think it would be more fun to view the films
in a wrestling context. You may already know these but it never does well to
assume so likely phrases that will pop up:
‘face’ or ‘babyface’ – the good guy
‘heel’ – the bad
guy
‘-turn’ – when a
good guy becomes a bad guy or visa versa
‘kayfabe’ – the wrestler’s
code. They do not admit to being the f word.
‘marks’ – the fans
‘smarks’ – the fans
who think they have insider knowledge
‘sell/selling’ – a wrestler putting over how much pain a
move is hurting them. Variations are ‘no
sell’ (not reacting at all) and ‘over-sell’
(going way over the top with it)
‘heat’ – cheers
for a good guy or boos for a bad guy means they are over with the crowd. The
worst thing for a wrestler is no reaction as it means the fans don’t care about
them
Where better to start a review of wrestler movies than with
perhaps the most well-known wrestler of all, Terry Bollea aka Hulk Hogan.
It’s 1988, wrestling has become a big business and no one is
bigger than Hulk Hogan. Hulkamania is running wild. Some bright spark at the
WWF has the idea, ‘Let’s cash in on this and make a movie.’ Released in July
1989, is No Holds Barred, produced by
WWF films. This was not Hogan’s first foray into the world of movies, he had
already made a memorable appearance in Rocky
III as ‘Thunderlips’ and had made appearances on TV in The Love Boat and The A-Team.
The script itself was written by Hogan himself with WWF owner Vince McMahon Jr.
They hated the original script so much they locked themselves in a hotel room
for 72 hours to re-write it. And that was
all.
Hogan plays a character called Rip, a professional wrestler
whom to all intents and purposes is just Hulk Hogan. He is the World Wrestling
Federation champion after all. Weird that they would keep the WWF name but
change the character to Rip. He is the most watched thing on TV.
This annoys the head of a rival network Brell (played by
Kurt Fuller, best known for his appearances in Wayne’s World and Ghostbusters
II). He wants Rip on his network and invites him to his office to sign a
contract with him. Pretty sure his contract is with WWF not the TV network,
strange that the WWF doesn’t know how their own industry works. Rip says he’s
not interested. I disagree, he got in the network limo and went all the way to
Brell’s office to meet with him, that sounds like an interested man to me.
Brell calls Rip a ‘jock-ass’ and sends some goons after him in the limo.
The limo driver takes Rip to a parking lot where the goons
attack. Rip makes short work of them. Many action hero stars would have gone
for witty one liners in here but all Hogan needs are visceral grunts. He grabs
the limo driver for perhaps the film’s most memorable line:
Rip: What’s that smell?
Limo Driver: Do…do…dookie!
That guy must have had it bad because all the back of his
jacket is damp.
Rip is then off to an agency meeting where he meets his new
PA Samantha (Joan Severance, best known for See
No Evil, Hear No Evil and er, No
Holds Barred). Samantha is going through marketing strategies for Rip but
he thinks they should focus on his work for charidee.
Because Rip and by extension Hogan himself is all about charidee. This gets him an impromptu invite to dinner from
Samantha.
The date is in a swanky restaurant where both Samantha and
the snooty waiter think Rip is out of place. Turns out Rip is friends with the
head chef and is a regular customer. Take that snobby bitches!
Brell meanwhile visits a dirty dinge bar where he thinks he
has the answer to his ratings problem. As a mirror to the previous scene, Brell
and his two equally well-suited henchman Ordway and Unger look like fish out of
water. The patrons of this bar are tobacco spitting, gap-toothed drunkards.
There is a dwarf sitting in a cage flicking peanuts. There is an internet
rumour the dwarf is Tyrion Lannister himself, Peter Dinklage but its not. No Holds Barred was filmed in Georgia
and Dinklage was still studying in New Jersey at the time.
Amongst all this chaos of spitting, vomiting and tattooing
going on, Brell’s eye is drawn to two hicks fighting in a make-shift arena.
Brell is sadistic enough to like what he is seeing and wants to put this on the
air, because that’s what people want to see isn’t it? Two drunken hicks
fighting. Yeah, right. Oh. https://www.amazon.com/Bum-Fights-bum-Vol-Dvd/dp/B004I9HXXQ
The imaginative title for this slugfest is ‘Battle of The
Tough Guys’. I thought Vince McMahon wrote this? I thought he was supposed to
be a promoter. Enter Zeus, played by Tom ‘Tiny’ Lister (Friday, that prisoner in The
Dark Knight who throws the detonator out of the boat), a 7ft cross-eyed
monster missing half of one eye-brow. He gets immediate heat by beating up a
small waitress. He destroys all his opponents with ease, no-selling all their
punches, to become the what, ‘Ultimate Tough Guy’ I guess.
Rip is watching at home and recognises Zeus, apparently his
coach had also trained him until he killed someone but Rip and Zeus’s shared
history is not delved into any further.
Rip and Samantha go off somewhere to do I’m not exactly sure
but Rip stops the robbery of a diner by throwing food at a gunman along the
way. They check into a hotel but oh no, there’s only one bed. Mild amusement
follows. Rip breaks the bed but Samantha thinks it was all a trick. Rip doesn’t
want to stay with such a cold fish so goes to sleep in the lobby.
Good move as she had been working heel all along and was in
the employ of Brell to seduce him. But she thinks he’s a good guy now and Brell
goes full-heel and whacks her full across the face. It was the eighties. She
makes a face-turn when she confesses everything to Rip and they are now all in
love.
Zeus makes a public challenge to Rip at one of his charidee
events but he says he’s not interested. Brell has other tricks though. One is
to send a goon after Samantha and though I can’t say for certain that is what
would have happened but it looks like he attempts to rape her before Rip makes
the save on his motorcycle. He knocks the goon down and runs him into a tree,
laughing maniacally the whole time.
Then Rip’s brother Randy (Mark Pellegrino, Lost, Supernatural) goes to watch one of
Zeus’s fights. He’s caught by Brell and Zeus duffs him up. It doesn’t look like
Zeus does that much to him but its enough to put him in hospital. Which means
Hogan has to try his hand at dramatic acting, its painful to watch but it is motivation
enough for Rip to accept Zeus and Brell’s challenge to a no holds barred fight.
Crap montage of Zeus training and Rip helping his brother
back to fitness later and fight day has arrived. In a really small venue (300
at most) for the most anticipated fight ever. But Brell wants to ensure victory
for his man by having Samantha kidnapped and tells Rip to take a dive in the
tenth minute of the fight. But its okay, Samantha gets out by…walking out the
door. Worst. Guards. Ever.
In the ring, Rip and Zeus have been battering the tar out of
each other but Zeus is getting the better of it. He even tries to kill Rip with
the ring post. Zeus had been brutal in his previous fights but this was the
first time he was homicidal. Maybe if we had been given the back story, we
might know why Zeus hates Rip so much.
Rip makes his comeback however and takes the fight out into
the crowd. Brell goes crazy when it looks like Zeus could lose and starts
ripping out electrical cables to cut the television feed. Rip and Zeus continue
to brawl until Rip knocks Zeus off a balcony and through the ring. He turns his
attention to Brell, who backs into a broken monitor and is electrocuted. Rip
leaves to rapturous applause. Erm, a man has just been electrocuted? He could
be dead, you know. Not going to do anything about that? Ok then.
The end. Or not, as its’ after the film was released things
take a turn for the weird. To boost profits for the struggling film, Zeus
became involved in WWF programming and had a feud with Hogan. The motivation
being he was upset at losing to Hogan in the movie but can beat him in real-life.
In wrestling. Which is fake. Brell is even involved. So, Tom Lister plays a
character in ‘real life’ wrestling upset at losing in a fake movie. It’s meta.
It all culminated when the film came to pay-per-view and WWF
packaged it alongside a steel-cage match with Hogan and Brutus ‘the Barber’ Beefcake
against Zeus and ‘Macho King’ Randy Savage.
On a critical level, No
Holds Barred is awful. Hogan (grunts aside) is in his element during fight
scenes but whenever he needs to do any proper acting he struggles badly. It
turned a small profit at the box office but nowhere near what was hoped for. It
would be 14 years before WWF ventured into making movies again.
But the sheer ridiculousness of it all (Brell is off the
charts insane) makes it hard not to enjoy it just a little bit.
Also look out for Jesse Ventura, 'Mean' Gene Okerland, Bill Eady and Stan Hansen.
One of the most common gripes you’ll hear from people today about
modern cinema is ‘Sequels, sequels,
sequels! Where are the original films?’
I believe I have an answer: you don’t get them because people don’t
want them.
First to clarify, I’m talking about big blockbuster films. There are
obviously original films out there but what I’m talking about are the next Jurassic Park and Indiana Jones to take the world by storm. Gravity for example is a fine film but not likely to make an impact
on pop-culture any time soon.
Now consider the case of Valerian
and the City of a Thousand Planets. Though not great, it received generally
decent reviews. But the problem it always had was that it was based on a cult
comic series not many people have heard of. Made on an estimated budget of
$178m (and you can generally always add a marketing budget of $50m on top of
these things), it was marketed aggressively and the hope was this would be the
next big franchise. But it flopped. Badly. It made just $17m on its opening
weekend in the US and made just $115m worldwide. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2239822/business?ref_=tt_dt_bus
Compare it to Suicide Squad.
Panned by just about everyone, you don’t need me to tell you how bad it is. Though
it may be a critical failure, Suicide
Squad is a commercial success raking in $750m on a $175m budget. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1386697/business?ref_=tt_dt_bus
All future Valerian projects
have been cancelled and Suicide Squad 2 is
in production.
Why did Suicide Squad succeed
where Valerian and many others have
failed? Established audience base.
Superhero franchises are big right now in films and on TV. Riding the
crest of the wave of the Marvel movies, DC Comics are able to make their own
pitch for that audience who don’t particularly care whether it is Marvel or DC.
Suicide Squad may be a relatively
obscure title to many but it has connections to the established Justice League universe, already well
known to comic fans and being established cinematically. Similar to Guardians of the Galaxy and The Avengers, only GotG was good. Add a villain like The Joker, one of the most well-known
villains in all pop-culture, and you have a commercial hit regardless of how
good or bad it may be.
Film studios are not in the business for the art, they are looking to
make money. That’s not to say they won’t make artistic films but since they
generally aren’t especially profitable they need money to fund them. For that
they need to make the big blockbusters. Expensive to make but potentially far
more profitable. And while that is the case, you can expect to see a lot more Transformers and Pirates of the Caribbean films. In the future, you’ll get Fast & Furious 27: Mobility Scooters of
the Furious. Because these films are proven franchises with a loyal fan base
who will lap up each instalment.
It will also mean studios are more cautious about trying to make any
new franchises. Even the powerhouse that is Disney couldn’t make John Carter of Mars a success so have
switched focus to a dozen new Star Wars
films and live action versions of their well-loved animated movies. Because
they are low-risk and almost guaranteed to be profitable.
This is what you like.
There will be no change to this any time soon. Studio’s react to what
people like to see and what they like to see are sequels and familiar remakes.
If you are waiting for the next Star Wars,
you probably already skipped over it to see the next X-Men movie.
