Number 8: Keloglan vs The Black Prince (2006)
Oh Turkey, Turkey, Turkey.
Please stop making movies. Pretty please?
This is the third Turkish movie I’ve watched in a row and I
don’t think it’s good for me.
It’s the fourth overall and I think that probably makes me an
expert in the subject of Turkish cinema. Four movies is more than 99% of
the rest of the worlds’ population have seen (the other 1% being actual Turkish
people obviously). There is an interesting sub-genre in the bad film world
known as ‘Turkish Remakesploitation’ as it was common for Turkish film-makers
to take Hollywood films and remake them for Turkish audiences. The myth is that
this was because of a ban on Western movies in Turkey. There wasn’t it was just
hacks looking to make a quick buck off somethings success.
Keloglan vs
The Black Prince appears to be exploiting two sources. Unfortunately those
sources appear to be Hoodwinked and
Friedberg and Seltzer movies.
Set in the world of Fairy Tales, Keloglan is a simple
shepherd who has been betrothed to the Princess, why I’m not sure but just go
with it. Keloglan (which I believe means ‘Bald hero’) is played by Mehmet Ali
Erbil, who played the villain in Yes, Sir.
As he was about the only entertaining thing in that movie, I wasn’t entirely
upset to see him again. Amazing rubbery face.
When first we meet him, he has long flowing blonde locks but
he loses them while saving the Princess from a crappy CGI dragon. Its’ actually
quite a good sequence as the Black Prince also appears and the two squabble
over who gets to save the Princess while she remains in mortal danger. Keloglan
saves her in the end but loses his hair in the process. Forward four years and
Keloglan is suicidal while the Princess Cankiz has been trying to get out of
the marriage sending him off on quests hoping he’ll fail. Which is quite the
180 as in the previous scene she had seemed very much into him.
The latest quest she has for him is to go steal a belt from a
particularly ill-tempered giant. But along the way, Keloglan and his side-kick
Cankuslogan have the idea that any belt would do so set off in search of a less
dangerous giant to steal a belt from. They are aided and/or hindered by Temyuslogan,
who is actually a woman called Balkiz who is in love with Keloglan so has
dressed as a man to be near him. This is because the film has ideas way above
its station and wants to parallel Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night. You can’t miss it as the book is directly referenced
throughout to the point Balkiz is actually reading a copy of it. Which makes no
sense at all. Firstly, this is clearly not the same Universe as Shakespeare and
if you did apply a time period to this, it would be long before Shakespeare was
born.
Anyway lots of fairy tale references in here: Aladdin, Rapunzel, Red Riding Hood, Snow
White, Cinderella (who is a villain for some reason). There’s a meeting of
villains and I’m sure one of them is supposed to be Bluto from Popeye, which was a bit weird. There
were more modern references as well such as The
Ring and the Macarena (I did say ‘more modern’). The finale has Keloglan
doing an Elton John impression in a pink wig.
Back to the story, they find a female giant performing Hamlet (see point above re Shakespeare) in a circus and
persuade her to come back with them (dressed as a man, I think it’s the writers
fetish) to show they completed the task. This brings out the real giant and
Keloglan’s deception is revealed. He then has to escape his entrapment and stop
the Princess marrying the Black Prince.
The Black Prince, ostensibly our villain but I don’t get him.
I don’t know what his grand plan is. He wants the Bad guys to be on the top and
to do this he wants to marry Princess Cankiz of the Goodie kingdom, which she
is very much up for. But after that? Nothing. No great grab for the Kingdom,
just marry the Princess. I guess he’s happy to wait for the Sultan to pop his clogs.
Interestingly though, by the end of the film the Black Prince
HAS married the Princess but has apparently failed because Keloglan has
realised she wasn’t as nice as he’d thought she was and told him so. I guess in
Fairytale Land that stuff makes a difference.
All the characters dance to a cover of 'I Will Survive' to finish. I don't get the song choice.
Overall, I’d say Keloglan
vs The Black Prince is: meh. It’s a comedy that’s not funny but at least
the ideas are there if not the execution.
I’d sooner watch this again than anything Friedberg and
Seltzer have ever made.
