IMDB Bottom 100: Number 1 - Jurassic Shark

Number 1: Jurassic Shark (2012)

Here it is. The last one.

On August 31^st 2015, this is the film IMDB had listed as the worst ever made. And it really deserves it, I hope you’re proud Canada.

As the title suggests, this is about a shark from prehistoric times. Sharks get a bad reputation in popular culture and since by quirk of fate at time of writing Discovery Channel are having their annual Shark Week, here’s an interesting fact about sharks to even the balance:

Sharks have existed for 400 million years, pre-dating humans by a mere 398 million years.

The film starts with a scrawl of facts about the Megalodon. The largest shark to have ever existed, the film says they were 16 metres in length but scientists have estimated they could have been up to 30m. This will be a problem later on.

A scientist is drilling for oil in a lake but Dr. Science-Lady warns him they are drilling too deep. Or I think she does, hard to tell with all the echoes in the stairwell. But Dr Misogyny mocks her warnings until a sudden earthquake rocks the building. Well, the camera shakes while they fall over. This all results in an explosion.

Shark fact #2: there are at least 500 different species of sharks in the world’s oceans today.

Two girls in bikini’s who have been sunbathing by the lake (might be a river, not sure) see the explosion but figure it’s nothing and go out for a splash in the water. And this is where, five minutes in, any hope this film might have had is ended. Bikini girl one goes several metres out into the water and it barely reaches her knees. A Megalodon is the largest shark to ever live and this water is too damn shallow. Never mind Megalodon was an ocean dweller and this is freshwater, any suspension of disbelief is gone right there.

After the world’s longest splash fight (really not as sexy as it sounds), it comes as a blessed relief when the two girls are dragged underneath the water.

Shark fact #3: 5-10 people are killed by sharks each year. 100 million sharks are killed by people.

Movie starts proper when a gang of thieves who have stolen a painting from an art gallery make their escape across the lake. They brag about how the police will never catch them now. Sure, they might have caught you in your high-speed van but no way they could ever catch you as you slowly get away in your little row boat. The inevitable happens, the boat is capsized, one of them is eaten. They get to shore but Evil Boss Lady orders one of the henchmen to go back out and retrieve the painting. Henchman 1 is inevitably eaten but maybe standing waiting for it to sneak up on you wasn’t the best idea. It also brings us our first look at the shark and it is exactly the low-budget cgi shit-fest you are expecting it to be.

Incidentally, the painting they stole is John Copley’s Watson and the Shark. A 1778 oil painting, it is believed to be the first artistic depiction of a shark attack. Yeah, went all high-brow on your asses, weren’t expecting that were you?

A second group arrives, a group of teenagers (well, obviously. It wouldn’t be a shark movie if there wasn’t teenagers getting killed) arrive at the lake too. Something about a journalism degree and exposing the oil company. They go out on the lake, the inevitable happens, the boat is capsized, one of them is eaten.

Shark Fact #4: More people are killed by falling coconuts than sharks every year.

The criminal gang wants to use the teens to get their painting back. Their plan is send them wading out into the water to grab the painting, where they are of course eaten by the shark. This goes on for about forty minutes, even getting the old scientist guy from the beginning involved (after some not so subtle product placement for Hogsback brewery).

In the end, it comes down to the last two girls and the Evil Boss Lady and the most amazing scene I’ve ever seen. Evil Boss Lady (who is clearly on land with land behind her) has her gun pointed at the girls. But sharks have an inate sense of justice, so from behind the two girls the shark leaps out of the water, goes over the girls, scoops up Evil Boss Lady leaving only her feet behind and goes back into the water all in one swift movement. I’m not a shark expert but I’m pretty sure sharks can’t leap and if they could they couldn’t do it in water that shallow and then change direction in mid-air. Mere words can’t do it justice, so I’ve drawn a diagram of what happened:

Shark Fact #5: Almost all sharks like to do their hunting solo.

The two remaining girls kill the shark Jaws style with dynamite in the mouth (though they call it ‘Hillbilly style’). A lot of posts online about the film ask where the dynamite came from but I believe I have the answer: earlier in the film the teens are running through the office building and there’s a shitty sign saying ‘WARNING! EXPLOSIVES! NO SMOKING!’ right above an equally hilarious photocopy of filing cabinets stuck to the wall.

The film ends with a sting of two guys fishing and another bit of product placement (do you think Hogsback could have been funding this movie? Oh yeah, there’s their logo. Right at the start of the credits.) They are eaten by a shark of course and ‘Fin’ flashes on screen. Because Fin is French for ‘end’ and sharks have fins you see? Hilarious. But doesn’t work if you are going to put a stinger right before it suggesting the possibility of sequels. Not that this film should have sequels of course.

Shark Fact #6: 30% of all species of sharks are close to extinction.

So, it’s a no budget piece of crap for which I blame two people: Steven Spielberg and JJ Abrams. Steven Spielberg for making Jurassic Park and Jaws. The obvious ‘inspirations’ for the film but nobody ever seems to get Jaws. It’s not about the shark, he’s minor, it’s the characters and their interactions that make it work.

Abrams I blame for a speech he made saying with all editing software available now ‘anyone can make a movie.’ Some took him literally and this is the result.

So, that’s it. I made it, 100 crappy movies. Did I like any of them? I appreciated the enthusiasm of many even if the result wasn’t that great. And though I may mock them, I respect that these guys and girls actually got out, made these films and got them released.

Is it the end? No, as long as people make movies there will be shitty ones. And I’ll find them. I hear there’s a Sharknado 5 coming out…

IMDB Bottom 100: Number 2 - Saving Christmas

Number 2: Saving Christmas (2014)

So, let’s talk about Kirk Cameron.

Cameron was a child actor who first shot to fame in the eighties playing Mike Weaver in US sitcom Growing Pains, for which he received two Golden Globe nominations and has worked steadily since. But no one cares about that. The thing they care about most is that he is a Christian.

Being apatheist myself, this is of no interest to me but seems to make a lot of people very angry. If you do a google search of Kirk Cameron, beyond the standard IMDB/Wikipedia profile pages, all the results centre around his Christian beliefs.

Which brings us to Saving Christmas. The poster has Kirk Cameron in action movie pose. A big sell for what is essentially a seventy-minute Bible studies lesson.

So, it starts with Cameron sitting in his living room, sipping his hot chocolate (reports of marshmallows unconfirmed), talking about how much he loves Christmas for four minutes and hates all the people who run it down as a commercialised, pagan festival. I’m getting Ed Wood flashbacks, imagining Kirk Cameron as Crisswell.

Film starts proper and Kirk is at a Christmas party. Snow falling all around him, children playing, having fun. It’s the season of love and understanding. Merry Christmas everyone!

And we have Kirk narrating the story. Great.

There is a problem though, Kirk’s brother in-law Christian. He (gasp!) doesn’t like Christmas. He leaves the party to sit in his car and mope. Christian (played by director Darren Doanne, who looks a bit like Bryan Cranston, ‘I am the one who prays’) tells Kirk it’s because he doesn’t see the Christianity in the season. It’s a celebration of materialism and paganism, Baby Jesus has been pushed into the corner (No one puts Baby Jesus in the corner!).

Kirk counters this by telling him about the Nativity and its significance for Christian’s. Which is all well and good and I’m sure would be reaffirming for a Christian but doesn’t actually address Heisenberg’s complaint about Jesus being pushed to the side.

Then Heisenberg moves on to the Christmas tree as a symbol of pagan worship. Kirk explains the tree (and Jesus) as a symbol of light for the world. He also links Adam eating the apple in the Garden of Eden to Jesus’s crucifixion, which may be a bit of a stretch but I’ll go with it. Kirk doesn’t disprove anything Walter White said, just puts his own interpretation on it. Which is all you need in this movie.

That brings us to Santa Claus, the big evil. Everything wrong with Christmas, the one all the kids are worshipping. If you rearrange the letters in Santa, you get Satan. But you know, ‘God’ spelt backwards is ‘Dog’. Or Santa is just the Spanish word for ‘Saint’.

Kirk counters by telling him the story of the real Saint Nick but apparently to do that it needs to be done ‘Lord of the Ringsy.’ Which apparently means lots of slow-motion and broody walking.

Saint Nikalaos of Myra was a key figure in the early years of the Church. Some accounts of him have him dropping gifts for the poor via their chimneys, probably the basis of the Santa mythos. Surprisingly, the film makes little mention of that focusing instead on the Nicaea Council in 325. Even in those early years there were splits in the Church and the Nicene Creed was the document that confirmed Jesus as God made man. Not everyone agreed, such as Arius of Alexandria. So what did Jolly Saint Nick do? He beat the shit out of him, that’s what. I don’t know if ‘believe what I do or I’ll thump you’ is really the message the film should go for but there you have it: Santa Claus, defender of the faith and professional ass-kicker.

Now what this has to do with Santa advertising Coca-Cola, I don’t know.

That’s enough for Walter who gives up the meth business and embraces the Christmas spirit. He charges back to the party, slides across the floor and joins the Christmas party. Kirk Cameron saved Christmas. Not that it was ever really in much danger in the film, I suspect the tile is supposed to be a broader message of preserving the seasons ‘true’ message.

So, that’s it…oh wait, it’s still going on. Of course, Walter still needs to make up with Skyler for being such a jerk. Kirk pauses the action to ask if he should make up with her by being give her a kiss but instead we get an impromptu dance number. The joke would have worked better without the break. On reflection, they should have just gone with the kiss because the dancing is stupid. They're good dancers and all, it’s just so out of nowhere it just feels weird. Still, if you ever wanted to see Kirk Cameron do the Worm, this movie is for you.

An upbeat number like that means the end of the film…what? This is still going on? You took that Lord of the Rings thing too literally. Four minutes sitting round a table eating dinner (by the way, this is supposed to be a party at Kirk’s sisters house and she’s cooked a full Christmas dinner for all her guests which looks like at least thirty people. No wonder she looks so exhausted in all her scenes) and Kirk narrates that all this commercialism is good and what God wants us to do. Hmm, maybe but I would be sceptical of anyone who says they know what an omniscient, omnipresent deity wants from us.

Now the film actually ends and we get a gag reel in the credits, including the director asking if water or celery is better for a dry mouth. Hilarious. Post-credit scene is two minor characters beat-boxing. Marvel, you need to up your game.

I don’t like to shit on anyone’s beliefs and I don’t doubt for a moment part of the reason for the films low rating is Kirk Cameron’s Christianity but as a film Saving Christmas doesn’t really work. Cameron makes a lot of points about the symbolism of Christmas that may strike chord with any Christians watching but in-film don’t address the questions being asked. Cameron may have his interpretation of the Christmas tree as being a symbol of Jesus but that doesn’t make his brother-in-law necessarily wrong for interpreting it as a symbol of pagan ritual. But I don’t want to get into that, enough blood has been spilt over the existence or non-existence of a God or Gods and I don’t want to add to it here.

On a technical level, it’s competent enough. No crazy jump-cuts or weird angles to complain about. And actually, some of the imagery is really quite good. Tonally it’s a bit weird though. Going from light and jovial to deep and serious back to a guy complaining they need to fight to keep ‘Crazy Shirts Friday.’ If I could describe this film in a word, it would be ‘weird.’ Which is not a word I was expecting to use. The opening credits have a ska version of 'Silent Night'. Ska has a high tempo, high energy beat. This is not that kind of film.

I don’t necessarily hate this film. I like that they do try to have an upbeat message about the season even if I don’t agree with all the points they make. I don’t think it’s as terrible as many make out but I’d say it’s misguided.

IMDB Bottom 100: Number 3 - Codename Koz

Number 3: Code Name KOZ (2015)

Propaganda movies. They have existed almost along as moving pictures have. Birth of a Nation, Triumph of the Will and Brexit: The Movie being notable examples.

Now it’s Turkey’s (who have been making a late stab at being the home of bad movies) turn to have a go at it. The main message being: President Erdoğan, what a guy.

Code Name Koz is a re-telling of the 2013 corruption scandal in Turkey. Basically, what happened was a number of government ministers were accused of bribery and money-laundering of Iranian gold in return for Iran’s gas and oil despite Iran being under international sanctions.

Except that isn’t what happened. Not if you’ve watched this movie. No, it was all a conspiracy by Erdoğan’s enemies backed by the evil United States. Needless to say, this film was funded by the Turkish government. Nobody really wanted to show the film but 850 cinemas in Turkey were forced to put the film on, pushing back the release dates of more legitimate films. Luckily, this doesn't mean people have to go to see it. And they didn't. Well done.

But, let’s be fair. Let’s imagine this isn’t just a cheap propaganda movie. Let’s imagine this as a film in its’ own right without the government angle. After all, this blog is about film and not politics. And…it still sucks balls.

In fairness, the production isn’t terrible even if the director is a little too keen on his jump cuts and split-screens. It’s just everything else.

If I hadn’t looked up the background of this movie, I would not have a clue what was going on. Even the subtitles didn’t help much with so many different characters flitting in and out all the time.

Apart from the acting, confusing plot and awful music, the worst thing about Code Name Koz is that it is deathly dull. More than once I found myself thinking ‘is this still going on?’, then I would look at the timer and realise it was not even half way through. They even manage to make a helicopter crash look boring, how do you do that?

I hope you are a fan of watching men sitting at tables talking because there is a lot of it. I would estimate a good 80% of the film is men talking at tables (with an occasional woman as well) with other events happening in between, such as the afore mentioned helicopter crash. But those were just to whet your appetite for more table sitting. One scene it looks like they are just sitting on chairs without a table setting off my OCD but luckily, its soon revealed there is a small coffee table in between the men. Crisis averted.

It presents itself as an action/political thriller but it’s not. It’s really not.

Back in the real world, following the scandal of government officials taking bribes, Erdoğan had 350 police and intelligence officers removed from their positions and changed a number of regulations relating to how financial crimes are investigated. Because that’s not suspicious. But as we all know the truth from this movie, it was all a plot from America to remove him from power as part of a 10 year plan to take control of the middle-east (which in fairness, isn’t that unbelievable).

Still, what a guy.

IMDB Bottom 100: Number 4 - Himmatwala

Number 4: Himmatwala (2013)

A moment please: this will be the last trip to Bollywood on this journey but please, no tears.

I don’t proclaim to be an expert on Bollywood cinema but there is something that draws you to it: colour! Hollywood is awash with grey, brown and moody blue tints but over in India they have bright greens, pinks and yellows. There are some who think Bollywood should be darker and more gritty, I disagree. It’s reassuring to know in these bleak times that there is still somewhere in the world where brightness still prevails and it’s what gives Bollywood its’ identity. Never change.

That said, it doesn’t stop Bollywood from churning out its fair share of shit. And Himmatwala is shit. An ‘Entertainer’ from director Sajid Khan, who brought us Hummshakals (see number 16), it’s a remake of a film from the 80’s and it’s reassuring to know Indian audiences are just as disdainful toward remakes as Western audiences. And from what I can gather, the original isn’t particularly well loved either.

It promises to ‘take us back to the eighties’ and that at least is true. The first scene is in a nightclub and you can tell it’s the 80’s because there’s a giant Rubik’s cube hanging from the ceiling. It’s 1983 to be exact, which makes the Ghostbuster’s (1984) logo and Top Gun (1986) poster a little pre-mature. There’s a female singer performing what I think might be an Indian-Disco version of The Cure’s Friday I’m in Love. Then it turns into fight club. I’m no expert but I’m sure this didn’t happen in 1980’s nightclubs in India. That’s all just to introduce us to superhero Ravi. Not literally a superhero but he may as well be he is so ridiculously tough.

The main story is in a village outside Mumbai, where Ravi “returns” (why the quotation marks? Wait and see) to see his mother and sister and to take revenge on the cruel landlord who controls the area and had framed his father for murder, Sher Singh. As a young boy Ravi had attempted to murder Singh but had been forced to flee for his life, now he puts the scares on him by beating up some of his goons.

Singh has a daughter, Rekha, who starts as a cruel, spoilt brat and after being humiliated by Ravi, tries to take revenge by releasing a tiger into the village (yes, really). But her plan goes wrong when it looks like the tiger might attack her but Ravi makes the save and wrestles the tiger (it’s as stupid as it sounds). The tiger wrestling is fun when you play the ‘real tiger/man in suit’ game. Ravi then befriends the tiger and sends it on its’ merry way. From this point, Rekha does a 180 and becomes the romantic interest in the film.

There is another sub-plot with Ravi’s sister Padma who wishes to marry Singh’s son-in-law, Shakti. This is all a ruse by Singh to get back at Ravi, as when they are married they treat Padma like dirt, beating her and making her sleep with the cattle. Ravi plots with Rekha to get back at him by having her pretend to be pregnant with his baby so she will have to marry him. India is a more liberal culture than some may think but very conservative in other ways, an unmarried mother for a daughter would bring great shame to Sher Singh. Ravi uses this fake pregnancy to blackmail Singh into giving up his power and returning the land to the villagers.

There is a twist though, because Ravi is not Ravi. The real Ravi died when he was run over by a car, the fake Ravi was a friend from the orphanage they grew up in and was fulfilling the last wish of his dead friend to look after his family. When Singh learns of this falsehood and the false pregnancy, he makes a last attempt to regain power bringing in a team of cage fighters to destroy him.

Lots of awkward wire-fighting later and they finally have Ravi on the ropes when the tiger from earlier makes the save! With his new found feline ally, Ravi finally conquers the meathead army and is about to kill Singh when his ‘mother’ begs him to spare his life. Singh is indebted to Ravi and begs his forgiveness.

Much of the above sounds quite serious stuff but that’s the problem, it’s not. 80% of the movie is played for laughs but the bizarre tonal shifts really jar. For example, there is a scene with Ravi’s sister Padma when she is in the back of a truck with a group of Sher Singh’s goons and it is implied they are about to gang-rape her until Ravi makes the save. The next scene is Singh and his brother-in-law having comedy japes with cartoon sound effects. And that happens ALL THE TIME. Make a choice, you are either a revenge thriller or a light-hearted comedy with characters breaking the fourth wall at random intervals. You can’t be both.

Ravi is ridiculously over the top, he’s not a man, he’s Thor. He can lift and swing a wagon with ease, knives have no effect on him, he can bust a steel lock with a swipe of his hand. His 'mother' is a little too quick to forgive his deception, though.

Rekha also changes a little too fast. She is a really horrible person at the start and , granted Ravi does save her life but to have changed so completely in an instant stretches credibility.

Then there’s Sher Singh’s brother-in-law, Narayan Das. He’s supposed to be comic relief which is probably why he’s in 75% of the movie. With a silly wig and fake moustache, he’s your typical bungling sort. I suppose he’s amusing in his way but he grates a bit seeing him in nearly every scene.

And an outtake reel over the end credits, don’t you just love those?

I know Bollywood has its tendency to melodrama but man, there are limits. I’m also worried director Sajid Khan has an s&m fetish. There is a LOT of whipping that takes place here.

So it’s bye-bye to Bollywood but I know you’re better than this.

IMDB Bottom 100: Number 5 - Birdemic 2

Number 5: Birdemic 2 – The Resurrection (2013)

So, despite all sense and logic, the first Birdemic movie was a cult hit. Enough so that a sequel was made.

To sum up the story so far: some birds attacked and then flew away, all due to global warming. That was easy, a whole film in 12 words.

The sequel is the same as the first movie but with the insanity turned up to eleven.

Now we have pre-historic birds to deal with, resurrected by the acid rain from the tar pits in LA. So, the heavy handed environmental message is still there, thank goodness.

There is also another point been made about the Hollywood studio system. These big studios don’t give directors creative control over their films you see, not like in the Indies where you can make any old pap. This is not something James Nguyen will ever have to worry about of course.

In terms of structure, it’s identical to the first film. It’s 45 minutes of nothing before the kamikaze birds strike.

The first part is about an award-winning director Bill and his struggles to make his movie while seducing a naïve young actress, Gloria. That’s not quite how its presented but it’s basically what happens. Rod and Nathalie are back! And their funding Bill’s movie.

In fact, all the old gang are back: the scientist guy who gives another lecture on global warming; Nathalie’s mum (who is actually producer Patsy van Ettinger, who has produced all of James Nguyen’s movies. So now you know who to blame); Damian Carter has some new material to serenade us with; Treehugger is back and now he’s a reality TV star.

Other highlights include:

• -          An attack by the worst looking CGI jellyfish you’ll ever see (which ironically is also the best CGI jellyfish you’ll have ever seen. How many others can you think of?)
• -          A great bit of continuity. Tony, one of the children from the first film, has now been adopted by Rod and Nathalie. To explain other child Susan’s absence, he says ‘she got a disease from that fish that Rod cooked.’ Apparently, he improved that. Bravo, young man, bravo.
• -          Everyone’s favourite modern trope: zombies. Acid rain brings the dead back to life apparently. On a side note, when people get buried isn’t it usually in their finery? Suits and fine dresses and such. These zombies are just wearing regular clothes.
• -          Faces been blurred because they didn’t clear their image rights
• -          Attacking birds with coat-hangers again. Rod is not content with this and feels he has to crescent kick them. Also, guns have unlimited ammo in this universe.

My absolute favourite moment though, is when they are being attacked by killer birds on the set of Cabot Cove (home of Jessica Fletcher of Murder, She Wrote. Yes, it is the real set but they only had an hour to film before it was opened to tourists). This is the moment one of the characters (he’s just bird fodder so he doesn’t need a name) feels it is important, no, absolutely vital, that he tells us ‘Jaws is my favourite movie.’ Ok. Thanks for sharing. I don’t know how they could ever have got out of their situation without that information.

I don’t know the connection either.

Sticking rigidly to structure of the first film, the killer birds fly away at the end. Because movie. Also, if you want to survive in this world, you've gotta wear green. Green, you see? The environment, save the planet, etc.

Only skimming the surface again, the film is hilarious in its ineptitude. Student film-makers would be embarrassed to have made this.

The best news though? Birdemic 3 is rumoured to be in production.

IMDB Bottom 100: No. 7 - Foodfight!

Number 7: Foodfight (2012)

The bad movie that was 10 years in the making.

Which is quite impressive really. Most films are bad because they’re rushed through with little thought behind them. They had a decade to mull over this one and still got it spectacularly wrong.

Made for a budget of $65 million, the first question that strikes you is: where did all the money go? I can tell you where it didn’t go: the animation. It’s not the worst I’ve ever seen to be fair (maybe one day I’ll get to those) but it’s very crude and basic. Not $65 million worth. To put this budget in some sort of perspective, the first Toy Story cost $30 million and Shrek cost $60 million. And both of those films look a thousand times better.

Maybe the cast were a big expense? Well there are some biggish names attached: Charlie Sheen, Eva Longoria, both Hilary and Haylie Duff (I guess they were still relevant when voices were recorded) and Christopher Lloyd. Oh, Chris. I expected this from Charlie but you? You should know better. Still, you were the best thing in 1000 Ways to Die in the West.

Foodfight is written and directed by Lawrence Kasanoff, who brought us such treats as Mortal Kombat: Annihilation and erm, Foodfight! Actually I’m being unfair, as a producer he’s done some good stuff. As a writer and director, not so much.

Thematically, this comes at an interesting time as at time of writing, Seth Rogan comedy Sausage Party is currently in cinemas. They are similar in that they revolve around supermarket items coming to life at night when the store is closed, though Sausage Party is about the food itself while Foodfight! is about the colourful mascots you see on the front of the boxes. They also differ in that Sausage Party is intended for adults while Foodfight! isn’t really suitable for anyone to watch. And by all accounts, Sausage Party is rather good.

I’m starting to worry about the amount of times ‘Sausage Party’ is appearing on this page.

Foodfight! does have its ‘one for the dad’s’ moments (you know, the adult moments they put in kids films they aren’t supposed to get). One that stands out is having Eva Longoria’s characters crotch area dominate the screen but through trick of perspective, make it look like giant insect bugs are flying from her vagina. Is this a commentary on man’s fear of female sexuality, so her vagina is presented as both desirable and to be feared? Nah, they just thought it looked funny.

The plot, such that it is, centres on our main character Dex Dogtective (Charlie Sheen). The film can’t quite make its mind up about Dex, he looks like a canine Indiana Jones but alternates between this and a mix of Humphrey Bogart characters Sam Spade and Rick Blaine. Please, pick one and stick with it. The store all the characters live in turns into a city the moment the store closes but needs to be back in place by the time the sun rises. If the store owner ever watched his CCTV he would be freaked out.

Dex’s girlfriend Sunshine disappears about the same time new mysterious product Brand X hits the shelves. Which brings us to Christopher Lloyd’s character who brings Brand X into the store and his character is something else. The way he talks, overprooonooounciaaaating all his words, the amazing unnatural movements. I like to think they motion captured Christopher Lloyd for this, the image of it would be incredible. It would explain where the budget went, that stuffs expensive.

The mascot for Brand X is Lady X (Eva Longoria), the sexy femme fatale wannabe Fuhrer. Yes, as Brand X takes over the store Nazi-style, she even has her own Nuremberg Rally. She wants to kill off all the other mascots and have their products ‘recalled’. Mascots can be killed conventionally but being recalled seems to be considered worse though both seem to be effectively the same.

Dex leads the resistance against Lady X, assisted by his best friend squirrel Daredevil Dan. Dan is Donkey to Dex’s Shrek but a lot more annoying. And they really ram home he’s the black character early on with lots of reference to him being ‘chocolate’. You know, squirrels, chocolate, that whole connection. But then Dex’s girlfriend is a weird cat lady that somehow promotes raisins, so why question it?

Dex leads the resistance against the naXi’s (see what I did there) that culminates in a, you guessed it: FOODFIGHT!!! Actually there are some amusing ideas here, seeing real life weapons reduced to foodstuff like the ketchup water cannons and cherry pie bombs.

So eventually good guys win after a patience breaking 90 minutes, Dex gets his girl back and everyone dances for far, far too long. Seriously, we don’t need to see what happened to every single character, especially when only 4-5 have more than 1 minute of screen time.

And if you’re hoping to see icons like Count Chocula and Captain Crunch, you’ll be very disappointed. Not many big brands wanted to attach themselves to this so you get a lot of rip-offs instead. Vlad Chocool anyone?

I can’t help thinking this was a Producer’s style set-up, this was meant to fail. They had the worst script, the worst animators, the worst story, worst directors, worst actors (well, some).

Though unlike The Producers, this time it did all go wrong/right (RIP Gene Wilder).

Now let's all go see Sausage Party.

IMDB Bottom 100: Number 8 - Keloglan vs the Black Prince

Number 8: Keloglan vs The Black Prince (2006)

Oh Turkey, Turkey, Turkey.

Please stop making movies. Pretty please?

This is the third Turkish movie I’ve watched in a row and I don’t think it’s good for me.

It’s the fourth overall and I think that probably makes me an expert in the subject of Turkish cinema. Four movies is more than 99% of the rest of the worlds’ population have seen (the other 1% being actual Turkish people obviously). There is an interesting sub-genre in the bad film world known as ‘Turkish Remakesploitation’ as it was common for Turkish film-makers to take Hollywood films and remake them for Turkish audiences. The myth is that this was because of a ban on Western movies in Turkey. There wasn’t it was just hacks looking to make a quick buck off somethings success.

Keloglan vs The Black Prince appears to be exploiting two sources. Unfortunately those sources appear to be Hoodwinked and Friedberg and Seltzer movies.

Set in the world of Fairy Tales, Keloglan is a simple shepherd who has been betrothed to the Princess, why I’m not sure but just go with it. Keloglan (which I believe means ‘Bald hero’) is played by Mehmet Ali Erbil, who played the villain in Yes, Sir. As he was about the only entertaining thing in that movie, I wasn’t entirely upset to see him again. Amazing rubbery face.

When first we meet him, he has long flowing blonde locks but he loses them while saving the Princess from a crappy CGI dragon. Its’ actually quite a good sequence as the Black Prince also appears and the two squabble over who gets to save the Princess while she remains in mortal danger. Keloglan saves her in the end but loses his hair in the process. Forward four years and Keloglan is suicidal while the Princess Cankiz has been trying to get out of the marriage sending him off on quests hoping he’ll fail. Which is quite the 180 as in the previous scene she had seemed very much into him.

The latest quest she has for him is to go steal a belt from a particularly ill-tempered giant. But along the way, Keloglan and his side-kick Cankuslogan have the idea that any belt would do so set off in search of a less dangerous giant to steal a belt from. They are aided and/or hindered by Temyuslogan, who is actually a woman called Balkiz who is in love with Keloglan so has dressed as a man to be near him. This is because the film has ideas way above its station and wants to parallel Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night. You can’t miss it as the book is directly referenced throughout to the point Balkiz is actually reading a copy of it. Which makes no sense at all. Firstly, this is clearly not the same Universe as Shakespeare and if you did apply a time period to this, it would be long before Shakespeare was born.

Anyway lots of fairy tale references in here: Aladdin, Rapunzel, Red Riding Hood, Snow White, Cinderella (who is a villain for some reason). There’s a meeting of villains and I’m sure one of them is supposed to be Bluto from Popeye, which was a bit weird. There were more modern references as well such as The Ring and the Macarena (I did say ‘more modern’). The finale has Keloglan doing an Elton John impression in a pink wig.

Back to the story, they find a female giant performing Hamlet (see point above re Shakespeare) in a circus and persuade her to come back with them (dressed as a man, I think it’s the writers fetish) to show they completed the task. This brings out the real giant and Keloglan’s deception is revealed. He then has to escape his entrapment and stop the Princess marrying the Black Prince.

The Black Prince, ostensibly our villain but I don’t get him. I don’t know what his grand plan is. He wants the Bad guys to be on the top and to do this he wants to marry Princess Cankiz of the Goodie kingdom, which she is very much up for. But after that? Nothing. No great grab for the Kingdom, just marry the Princess. I guess he’s happy to wait for the Sultan to pop his clogs.

Interestingly though, by the end of the film the Black Prince HAS married the Princess but has apparently failed because Keloglan has realised she wasn’t as nice as he’d thought she was and told him so. I guess in Fairytale Land that stuff makes a difference.

All the characters dance to a cover of 'I Will Survive' to finish. I don't get the song choice.

Overall, I’d say Keloglan vs The Black Prince is: meh. It’s a comedy that’s not funny but at least the ideas are there if not the execution.

I’d sooner watch this again than anything Friedberg and Seltzer have ever made.

IMDB Bottom 100: Number 10 - Turks in Space

Number 10: Turks In Space (2006)

(This is actually a trailer for the first Turkish Star Wars but screw it)

We’re in the real shit now. I have watched 90 cruddy films now, ten to go. The 10 worst films (as listed by IMDB on 31/08/2015) ever. And it’s a whopper.

Turks In Space, otherwise known as Turkish Star Wars. Or in Turkish Dünyayi Kurtaran Adam'in Oglu, which translates as ‘Son of the Man who Saved the World’. This is actually a sequel to 1982 film Dünyayi Kurtaran Adam, ‘The Man who Saved the World’, a cult classic in Turkish cinema. Got all that? Good.

It’s worth bringing up, Turkey has a bit of a reputation in the cult cinema world. Basically, they take existing popular franchises and put their own spin on them. There are Turkish versions of Batman, Superman and Spider-Man, none of which have any relation to the original source material. Batman for example, is a homicidal, sexual deviant.

Turks In Space is a take on Star Wars, though crossed with Star Trek. More specifically, Star Trek III: The Search for Spock, as they go off looking for a guy all logic would tell you is dead, very dead. The Captain has been searching for his friend for 8 years without success with his rag-tag crew. There’s his incompetent first officer; an android; an old woman who washes the floors; an old man who has apparently slept the last 8 years; a small child; a sexy woman who doesn’t seem to have a specific job and only seems to be there because she has a crush on the Captain; a computer that makes me wonder if I can cram in a Blake’s 7 reference; a black guy. Your standard Sci-Fi crew.

It starts with a montage of great moments in Turkish history, such as the rise of the Ottoman Empire, Attaturk, Galatasary winning the UEFA Cup before they finally get a Turk into space. Can you imagine that? A Turk. In Space!

There’s a warlord, who I guess is our Darth Vader of the piece but nowhere near as badass. I don’t think he actually has a plan of his own but we just accept he does because he looks like a villain. There’s a lot of guff about twins separated at birth and arranged weddings, some not so subtle satire about American foreign policy. None of it very coherent.

It should be said, it is played a lot for laughs with silly set-pieces. There is a Death Star of sorts and we do get a lightsabre battle at the end. I quite enjoyed the impromptu love story, mainly because they done a 3 minute flashback sequence that made me realise the two characters had literally only spent 3 minutes of screen-time together.

And some amazing special effects on display here, like they had been made on an Amiga 600 in the early 90’s. Industrial Light and Magic have little to fear.

Turks In Space or Turkish Star Wars could in no way be described as a ‘good’ movie but it is certainly an enjoyable one. It actually broke my rule: bad films can be so bad they’re good but bad comedies are always just bad. Turks In Space is not exactly funny but it is fun and doesn’t take itself too seriously in any way.

So even if just out of curiosity, I recommend giving it a go.

IMDB Bottom 100: Number 11 - The Hottie and The Nottie

Number 11: The Hottie and the Nottie (2008)

Oh Paris, Paris, Paris. Here we are again. When I wrote about Final Justice (number 22), I declared Joe Don Baker the King of bad movies. Well, every King must have his Queen and Miss Hilton fits the bill perfectly.

She released a music album once too. And if there was a list of 100 worst albums, it would be on there. Probably. I haven’t listened to it. I’m not a masochist. I think. Well, this is the third Paris Hilton film I’ve watched. Because I thought watching all the worst films in the world would be fun.

To be honest, I was trying to avoid concentrating on The Hottie and the Nottie because I looked at the synopsis and was less than enthralled. Plus The Dark Knight was on TV at the same time I was watching, so I might be confused about what happened.

So it starts with the Joker robbing a bank and escaping in a school bus. The hero of our film Nate (Joel David Moore) is dumped by his girlfriend, who attempts to run him over. This is the escape pod scene from Star Wars. If you aren’t familiar with what I mean, this is a reference to a five second scene at the start of Star Wars that is actually the most pivotal moment in the whole of the original trilogy. R2D2 and C-3PO escape an Imperial attack in an escape pod but the gunners on the Star Destroyer choose not to blow it up as ‘there are no life signs on board’. Had they blown it up there would be no Luke, no Obi Wan, no Yoda and the Empire takes over the Galaxy. Obviously, Hottie and Nottie isn’t on that scale but if Nate’s ex-girlfriend had succeeded this film would have been a lot shorter.

This is a sign to Nate that he has to track down a girl called Christabel he once fancied when he was eight. Makes sense. Batman catches Scarecrow in a car park but also has to save some vigilantes in hockey pads.

Nate meets up with his old friend Arno, played by The Greg Wilson. Yes, The Greg Wilson! Star of, umm…and, err…The Greg Wilson (this is what he’s credited as). Arno it turns out has been stalking the girl Nate is after and has a record of her movements. Yet somehow he’s clearly supposed to be a fun, lovable character. The Joker then does a cool trick with a pencil.

Nate finds the girl he’s been after at the beach. In no time at all and without much prompting, Christabel (Paris Hilton) reveals she won’t date anyone until her hideous looking best friend June (Christine Lakin) is dating someone as well. Shakespeare could have written the script. If he’d been a bit simple.

Nate enacts pays someone to date June but it doesn’t go well. Christine Lakin is a very attractive woman but they’ve gone all out to make her as ugly as possible here. Moles on the face, bad skin, bad teeth, greasy hair, obscene body hair. It's basically zombie make-up.

Paris Joker is caught after a cool car chase across Gotham and Commissioner Gordon had faked his death all along!

Nate’s plan is complicated with the arrival of Johann, the former marine, Harvard graduate, dentist, sometimes model who can play guitar and has a singing voice like a tenor. He makes out he’s trying to help June by fixing her teeth and generally beautifying her with various treatments but it’s all a convoluted plan to get to Christabel. Two guys with the same goal but differing methods. Yeah, Shakespeare for simpletons. On a side note, I can’t look at the name Christabel without being reminded of the episode of Family Guy when the Griffins move to New York and Chris becomes an artist called, obviously enough, Christabel.

Joker Hilton escapes jail and sets an explosion killing Maggie Gyllenhall and transforming Harvey Dent into Two-Face.

The whole story is basically about seeing someone’s inner beauty, as Nate comes to realise he loves June and not Christabel. A message slightly undermined by the fact Nate only realises his attraction when June becomes more attractive. Shallow Hal done it better. And when you’re getting beaten out by Jack Black, you are in big trouble.

Paris Joker Hilton blows up a hospital and then tries to get people on boats to blow each other up.

Despite being the big star of the film, Paris Hilton’s character actually spends a lot of time on the side-lines. Her chief role being stand around, look attractive which is just about within her range of capabilities. It’s when she opens her mouth it all goes wrong. There is one scene where she has to act drunk but I’m pretty sure not much acting was required for that part. It's the vanity that annoys me though. The films she is in, the only objective seems to be for Paris Hilton to tell the world how beautiful she is and in a film supposedly based on inner beauty, there is a touch of irony to that.

The Hottie and the Nottie is not the film the world deserves but it’s not the film it needs either.

IMDB Bottom 100: Number 12 - Going Overboard

Number 12: Going Overboard (1989)

A true story: sitting in a cinema, I saw a trailer for an upcoming movie about video game characters coming to life and destroying the world. ‘Oh, that looks like it could be fun’ I thought to myself but then I saw the film’s star. ‘Oh, Adam Sandler. I’ll give it a miss then.’

That film was Pixels and by all accounts, I made the right choice.

I’ve said before, a bad movie can have enough going for it that it can become enjoyable. A bad comedy is always just bad. A bad Adam Sandler comedy though is an instrument of torture.

I appreciate comedy can be subjective and I know Sandler has his fans. If his brand of juvenile frat-boy humour is what you like, that’s fine. Bear this in mind about Going Overboard though, Adam Sandler removed this from his filmography on his official website. The guy who made Little Nicky doesn’t want his fans to know this film exists.

It was Sandler’s first starring role to be fair to so we probably shouldn’t really expect much from him, which is just as well as he delivers nothing. One of the first things Sandler does is break the fourth wall to tell us this is a ‘no budget movie’, you soon find it’s a ‘no laugh movie’ too (if you’re interested to know, IMDB lists the budget for this film as $200,000 which is not a lot in movie terms but a fair-size budget for an independent feature).

Adam Sandler is a waiter on a cruise ship with dreams of being a stand-up comedian but he’s not very good. He’s not good by the end of the film either but what would you expect.

One of the first things I noticed was the credits saying they were ‘introducing’ actor Burt Young. I remember seeing Burt Young in a highly successful film franchise that started 13 years earlier, the first film even won a Best Film Oscar (he was Paulie in the Rocky films). Couldn’t have been him though as he was only being introduced here.

They’re on a cruise ship travelling to undisclosed location with some beauty Queen contestants so cue lots of beautiful ladies in bikini’s, though to the films credit it doesn’t particularly dwell on it apart from one scene where Sandler is wobbling while delivering drinks. I think the joke is he has an erection and is trying to hide it or alternatively, he could just be clumsy.

It’s bad joke after bad joke. I’m being generous describing them as jokes, they’re just sentences. Bad sentence after bad sentence. Actually, it’s not even fair to call them sentences as they lack the coherency, so it’s bad syntax after bad syntax.

I look at the clock and realise I’ve been watching 20 minutes. It feels like hours and this film is 97 minutes long. 97, it’s too long. 5 minutes is too long.

Some other stuff happens with a dickhead ship comedian, talking heads from the beauty contestants for some reason, terrorists turn up but tragically don’t throw Adam Sandler into the sea.

Going Overboard is not a film you watch, rather it is one you endure. My recommendation, like with any Adam Sandler past, present or indeed future, is avoid. Sandler is obviously very youthful here but lacking any charm or charisma, so to be fair to the man he has improved a little over the years. He's not helped any by poor directing and a script that promises a joke but lacks build up or punchline.

Still, at least there’s no Kevin James.

IMDB Bottom 100: Number 13 - Disaster Movie

Number 13: Disaster Movie (2008)

It’s crap.

Oh you want some more? Let me put it like this:

The Avengers. Kim Kardashian. Cloverfield. WWE. Wanted. Jessica Simpson. Indiana Jones. Hannah Montana. High School Musical. Gladiators. MTV. Justin Timberlake. Alvin and the Chipmunks. Amy Winehouse. Batman. Juno. X Factor. Step Up. Kung Fu Panda. Sex and the City.

A pretty random list of popular culture with nothing intrinsically funny about any of them but all things that exist. Which is all Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer think it takes to make a comedy movie.

IMDB Bottom 100: Number 16 - Humshakals

Number 16: Humshakals (2014)

Interesting thing about this one.

When I first downloaded The List this one was simply titled ‘Doublegangers’. I have to track these films down so I can watch them and a title like that will bring up some, interesting results. And not ones I particularly want on my search history.

Luckily, this isn’t a Premier League footballer’s favourite fetish movie but actually a more innocent Bollywood movie about lookalikes, which presumably should have been ‘Doppelgangers’ but was mistranslated to a more suggestive title.

I almost wish it was a porno as at least that would be easier to explain and this one makes my head spin just thinking about it.

Primarily set in London, there’s billionaire Ashok (Saif Ali Khan) aided by his best friend Kumar (Ritesh Deshmukh) who dreams of being a stand-up comedian. Unfortunately, he sucks. I think I’ve spotted one of his problems though, he’s telling jokes in Hindi to a mainly white, British audience. British people won't even learn French, no way will they learn an Indian language fluently to the point of understanding set-up and punchline.

He has a problem though in the form of his Uncle Kans who wants to take over the family business so creates a drug that makes Ashok and Kumar temporarily think they’re dogs. Just go with it. This gets them put in a mental hospital and allows Kans to take control of the business. If you’re hoping this plays out like One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, you will be sorely disappointed.

This is where it gets complicated, two genuine loons are also in the hospital who look identical (well they should, they are the same actors) and are also called Ashok and Kumar. Thanks to a mix-up so obvious they might as well have put a massive sign saying ‘IDENTITY CONFUSION HAPPENS NOW’ as the loons are released with the real Ashok and Kumar staying in the hospital. In a sense, they done exactly that with a snippet of song saying that’s exactly what happens.

The loons are picked up and brought to the real Ashok’s mansion, which they think is all part of a popular reality show where ordinary people are allowed to live like millionaires for a week. Trust me, it makes sense in the film. Sort of.

The real Ashok and Kumar meanwhile are trying to deal with the hospital warden, who is really subtly portrayed as being a cruel, dictator figure. Not really, they put him in an SS uniform and he refers to Adolf Hitler as ‘Uncle’. Yes, he really does.

They do find out their Uncle Kans is responsible for their incarceration but more incredibly, there is a lookalike of their Uncle in the hospital too.

And this is where I tune out. Various schemes are planned up to regain control of the company, lots of identity confusion where it’s hard to keep tabs of who is the real one and who is the duplicate. A third set of duplicates are added (triplicates?) because two sets of each character wasn’t enough. There’s a Prince Charles lookalike. Except it’s the real Prince Charles. If he was a cockney.

It all works out in the end.

I’ve tried to condense this down to just the key plot points but there is so much going on here. I haven’t mentioned the trio of beautiful ladies who are the love interests of the film, the drug dealer responsible for loony Ashok and Kumar being put in the asylum to begin with, one of the lookalikes severe OCD issues. I haven’t mentioned any of the “hilarious” scenes the director Sajid Khan (whom from what I can tell has a reputation for being a bit of a hack) thought would sell the movie. The warden’s torture method of making inmates watch Himmatwala…hey, hey, hey, hey! No spoilers! That one’s for later.

The music videos are actually a welcome break in this film, they gave me a chance to sort out what was happening in the film in my head. Though one of the songs as far as I can tell was all about creating a personal ring tone. Deep stuff.

I need to stop now. My head hurts thinking about it all. So many questions of identity. I mean, am I really me?

I don’t know anymore.