IMDB Bottom 100 - Superman IV: The Quest for Peace

The great thing about the IMDB Bottom 100 is that it is constantly in flux. I went through the Bottom 100 a few years ago but the list has changed dramatically since then.

I thought maybe I should watch some other films that have now entered the Bottom 100. Then I saw it, sitting at number 63 (as of 07/02/2019), Superman IV. It was providence. Why? Because Superman IV: The Quest for Peace was the first film I ever saw at the cinema.

Superman, we all know about him, don’t we? The original superhero. The last son of Krypton who has been around for over 80 years. His popularity has gone through peaks and troughs but he is undeniably an enduring figure.

In 1978, he got his own movie starring Christopher Reeves (this was not the first feature-length Superman movie however, that honour goes to 1951’s Superman and the Mole Men) in the titular role. Dodgy flying scene with Lois Lane aside, the film was a massive success. That was followed up by the superior sequel Superman II with the awesome General Zod.

That’s when it started to go wrong for the franchise. Superman III was distinctly underwhelming despite Richard Pryors best efforts and lacked a good villain.

Christopher Reeves was said to be getting tired of putting his underwear on the outside (he turned down a cameo in the Supergirl movie) and producers Alexander and Ilya Salkind had had their fill of Superman. Enter Cannon Films to buy the rights.

Cannon have a reputation for making lots and lots of very bad films for not very much money and mostly stuff nobody has ever heard of. Though in their defence they did also make Highlander, Masters of the Universe and Bloodsport (not much of a defence I admit).

They did manage to keep the old crew together: Reeves (who has a writing credit), Gene Hackman back as Lex Luthor, Margot Kidder (Lois Lane), even Jimmy Olsen and Perry White were back (only in small roles though). Sidney Furie was in the Director’s chair, his most notable previous work being The Ipcress File. What could go wrong?

Right from the opening credits, you can see it is already going wrong. The graphics are cheap, really cheap. If this was a student film project, it might be acceptable but not for a supposedly major picture production.

Our pre-amble has Clark Kent (and if you don’t know who he really is, God help you) is selling his old family farm but will only sell to a real farmer. That’s not important though as its never mentioned again and it’s just an excuse for Clark to pick up a macguffin that becomes important later on.

Back in Metropolis, Lois gets on a subway train causing the driver to have a sudden bout of death. Superman saves the day. Oh, and the driver has a miraculous recovery.

This gets us to the Daily Planet office which has come under the control of new owner Mr Warfield (Sam Wanamaker). I can’t say for sure if he’s based on anyone in particular but his vision for the Planet is to make it more tabloid, sensationalist and titillating. This is all too much for editor Perry White who resigns. Mr Warfield describes Lois as a ‘useless’ writer. Much has been said of the Lois Lane character over the years but in Universe at least, she is a Pulitzer Prize winner. Why would you want one of those on your staff?

He also brings his daughter Lacey on board who is a new love interest but for Clark and not Superman. You can get why women would fall instantly for Superman but not so much for bumbling, clutz Clark Kent. Which is a testament to how well Christopher Reeves plays the character (how could someone like that be Superman?) but a detriment to the film as a whole as its hard to see what the instant attraction is for Lacey.

The main plot than wades into proceedings. There has been a world peace conference on nuclear arms and it went badly. So badly in fact that the major powers are increasing production. A small boy who has been watching the news in class (like always happens in schools) writes a letter to Superman asking him to get rid of the world’s nuclear weapons. This creates a crisis of conscience for the Man of Steel as he has been forbidden by the Old Kryptonians to interfere in Earth’s politics. This is a bit like the Prime Directive in Star Trek (the Federation isn’t supposed to interact with less advanced races) and is only ever brought up so it can immediately be broken. Supes takes all the worlds nuclear weapons and hurls them into the Sun. Because who’s going to stop him?

In the real world, there would be questions about Superman’s unilateral decision to rid the world of all nuclear weapons. If you are Israel for example, arguably the only reason you haven’t been overran by your enemies on all sides is your nuclear deterrent.

But Wait! Superman has been duped. Lex Luthor, the Greatest Criminal Mind of our Age, Ruler of Australia has escaped prison with help from his none-too-bright nephew Lenny (Jon Cryer). He has stolen a strand of Superman’s hair and put it on one of the nuclear missiles. This is all so he can make a clone of Superman, born from the Sun. Enter Nuclear Man. Though as a clone he doesn’t make a lot of sense: he doesn’t look like Superman and has Gene Hackman’s voice. Actor Mark Pillow must have been really bad. From what I can tell, his only other acting work was in a German TV series shortly after this and has never done anything else since.

It's not long before Supes and Nuclear Man go at it, in a battle that goes all over the world. They destroy and rebuild the Great Wall of China; some top notch model work for an erupting volcano the Doctor Who special effects team in the 70’s would have been proud of and moving the Statue of Liberty (but putting it back again). Nuclear Man beats Superman by giving him a scratch. For realises. I think he’s supposed to have radiation poisoning. I’m not sure radiation would actually have an effect on Superman but lets go with it.

Clark lays low for a couple weeks to recuperate with the Macguffin he got at the start. Lois turns up to give him Superman’s cape which I believe is supposed to imply she knows Clark’s real identity.

The second battle between Nuclear Man and Superman happens after Nuclear Man sees a picture of Lacey Warfield and becomes instantly obsessed with her. Superman cuts him off outside the Planet building and tells us he’ll never have her, which he couldn’t possibly know because he hadn’t said anything about her and the only reason the audience knows is because we saw him looking at a picture of her.

This fight is special as they fight on the moon, an obvious dummy of Superman is bashed into the surface. Lacey is brought into space as apparently air isn’t something humans need. Superman moves the moon’s orbit (which I’m sure would do some ecological damage) and defeats Nuclear Man by dumping him inside a nuclear reactor, which I’m certain wouldn’t work. He was born in the Sun, already a giant ball of atomic energy.

Perry White buys back the Planet and Superman gives a Cold War speech (think Rocky IV).

The good: Christopher Reeves. He had the perfect balance as goofy Clark Kent and serious Superman. Even in a mediocre film such as this that shines through. And Gene Hackman. His Lex Luthor was always too goofy to take seriously but even so, his interactions with Reeves are always a highlight. And John Williams score is still there.

The bad: everything else. Silly story, silly supporting characters. A shall we say, liberal approach to science and the way the world works. Bad special effects. And I’ve never particularly liked Margot Kidder’s Lois Lane.

A poor film but as my first cinematic experience, Superman IV will always have a special place in my heart.

IMDB Bottom 100: Number 1 - Jurassic Shark

Number 1: Jurassic Shark (2012)

Here it is. The last one.

On August 31^st 2015, this is the film IMDB had listed as the worst ever made. And it really deserves it, I hope you’re proud Canada.

As the title suggests, this is about a shark from prehistoric times. Sharks get a bad reputation in popular culture and since by quirk of fate at time of writing Discovery Channel are having their annual Shark Week, here’s an interesting fact about sharks to even the balance:

Sharks have existed for 400 million years, pre-dating humans by a mere 398 million years.

The film starts with a scrawl of facts about the Megalodon. The largest shark to have ever existed, the film says they were 16 metres in length but scientists have estimated they could have been up to 30m. This will be a problem later on.

A scientist is drilling for oil in a lake but Dr. Science-Lady warns him they are drilling too deep. Or I think she does, hard to tell with all the echoes in the stairwell. But Dr Misogyny mocks her warnings until a sudden earthquake rocks the building. Well, the camera shakes while they fall over. This all results in an explosion.

Shark fact #2: there are at least 500 different species of sharks in the world’s oceans today.

Two girls in bikini’s who have been sunbathing by the lake (might be a river, not sure) see the explosion but figure it’s nothing and go out for a splash in the water. And this is where, five minutes in, any hope this film might have had is ended. Bikini girl one goes several metres out into the water and it barely reaches her knees. A Megalodon is the largest shark to ever live and this water is too damn shallow. Never mind Megalodon was an ocean dweller and this is freshwater, any suspension of disbelief is gone right there.

After the world’s longest splash fight (really not as sexy as it sounds), it comes as a blessed relief when the two girls are dragged underneath the water.

Shark fact #3: 5-10 people are killed by sharks each year. 100 million sharks are killed by people.

Movie starts proper when a gang of thieves who have stolen a painting from an art gallery make their escape across the lake. They brag about how the police will never catch them now. Sure, they might have caught you in your high-speed van but no way they could ever catch you as you slowly get away in your little row boat. The inevitable happens, the boat is capsized, one of them is eaten. They get to shore but Evil Boss Lady orders one of the henchmen to go back out and retrieve the painting. Henchman 1 is inevitably eaten but maybe standing waiting for it to sneak up on you wasn’t the best idea. It also brings us our first look at the shark and it is exactly the low-budget cgi shit-fest you are expecting it to be.

Incidentally, the painting they stole is John Copley’s Watson and the Shark. A 1778 oil painting, it is believed to be the first artistic depiction of a shark attack. Yeah, went all high-brow on your asses, weren’t expecting that were you?

A second group arrives, a group of teenagers (well, obviously. It wouldn’t be a shark movie if there wasn’t teenagers getting killed) arrive at the lake too. Something about a journalism degree and exposing the oil company. They go out on the lake, the inevitable happens, the boat is capsized, one of them is eaten.

Shark Fact #4: More people are killed by falling coconuts than sharks every year.

The criminal gang wants to use the teens to get their painting back. Their plan is send them wading out into the water to grab the painting, where they are of course eaten by the shark. This goes on for about forty minutes, even getting the old scientist guy from the beginning involved (after some not so subtle product placement for Hogsback brewery).

In the end, it comes down to the last two girls and the Evil Boss Lady and the most amazing scene I’ve ever seen. Evil Boss Lady (who is clearly on land with land behind her) has her gun pointed at the girls. But sharks have an inate sense of justice, so from behind the two girls the shark leaps out of the water, goes over the girls, scoops up Evil Boss Lady leaving only her feet behind and goes back into the water all in one swift movement. I’m not a shark expert but I’m pretty sure sharks can’t leap and if they could they couldn’t do it in water that shallow and then change direction in mid-air. Mere words can’t do it justice, so I’ve drawn a diagram of what happened:

Shark Fact #5: Almost all sharks like to do their hunting solo.

The two remaining girls kill the shark Jaws style with dynamite in the mouth (though they call it ‘Hillbilly style’). A lot of posts online about the film ask where the dynamite came from but I believe I have the answer: earlier in the film the teens are running through the office building and there’s a shitty sign saying ‘WARNING! EXPLOSIVES! NO SMOKING!’ right above an equally hilarious photocopy of filing cabinets stuck to the wall.

The film ends with a sting of two guys fishing and another bit of product placement (do you think Hogsback could have been funding this movie? Oh yeah, there’s their logo. Right at the start of the credits.) They are eaten by a shark of course and ‘Fin’ flashes on screen. Because Fin is French for ‘end’ and sharks have fins you see? Hilarious. But doesn’t work if you are going to put a stinger right before it suggesting the possibility of sequels. Not that this film should have sequels of course.

Shark Fact #6: 30% of all species of sharks are close to extinction.

So, it’s a no budget piece of crap for which I blame two people: Steven Spielberg and JJ Abrams. Steven Spielberg for making Jurassic Park and Jaws. The obvious ‘inspirations’ for the film but nobody ever seems to get Jaws. It’s not about the shark, he’s minor, it’s the characters and their interactions that make it work.

Abrams I blame for a speech he made saying with all editing software available now ‘anyone can make a movie.’ Some took him literally and this is the result.

So, that’s it. I made it, 100 crappy movies. Did I like any of them? I appreciated the enthusiasm of many even if the result wasn’t that great. And though I may mock them, I respect that these guys and girls actually got out, made these films and got them released.

Is it the end? No, as long as people make movies there will be shitty ones. And I’ll find them. I hear there’s a Sharknado 5 coming out…

IMDB Bottom 100: Number 2 - Saving Christmas

Number 2: Saving Christmas (2014)

So, let’s talk about Kirk Cameron.

Cameron was a child actor who first shot to fame in the eighties playing Mike Weaver in US sitcom Growing Pains, for which he received two Golden Globe nominations and has worked steadily since. But no one cares about that. The thing they care about most is that he is a Christian.

Being apatheist myself, this is of no interest to me but seems to make a lot of people very angry. If you do a google search of Kirk Cameron, beyond the standard IMDB/Wikipedia profile pages, all the results centre around his Christian beliefs.

Which brings us to Saving Christmas. The poster has Kirk Cameron in action movie pose. A big sell for what is essentially a seventy-minute Bible studies lesson.

So, it starts with Cameron sitting in his living room, sipping his hot chocolate (reports of marshmallows unconfirmed), talking about how much he loves Christmas for four minutes and hates all the people who run it down as a commercialised, pagan festival. I’m getting Ed Wood flashbacks, imagining Kirk Cameron as Crisswell.

Film starts proper and Kirk is at a Christmas party. Snow falling all around him, children playing, having fun. It’s the season of love and understanding. Merry Christmas everyone!

And we have Kirk narrating the story. Great.

There is a problem though, Kirk’s brother in-law Christian. He (gasp!) doesn’t like Christmas. He leaves the party to sit in his car and mope. Christian (played by director Darren Doanne, who looks a bit like Bryan Cranston, ‘I am the one who prays’) tells Kirk it’s because he doesn’t see the Christianity in the season. It’s a celebration of materialism and paganism, Baby Jesus has been pushed into the corner (No one puts Baby Jesus in the corner!).

Kirk counters this by telling him about the Nativity and its significance for Christian’s. Which is all well and good and I’m sure would be reaffirming for a Christian but doesn’t actually address Heisenberg’s complaint about Jesus being pushed to the side.

Then Heisenberg moves on to the Christmas tree as a symbol of pagan worship. Kirk explains the tree (and Jesus) as a symbol of light for the world. He also links Adam eating the apple in the Garden of Eden to Jesus’s crucifixion, which may be a bit of a stretch but I’ll go with it. Kirk doesn’t disprove anything Walter White said, just puts his own interpretation on it. Which is all you need in this movie.

That brings us to Santa Claus, the big evil. Everything wrong with Christmas, the one all the kids are worshipping. If you rearrange the letters in Santa, you get Satan. But you know, ‘God’ spelt backwards is ‘Dog’. Or Santa is just the Spanish word for ‘Saint’.

Kirk counters by telling him the story of the real Saint Nick but apparently to do that it needs to be done ‘Lord of the Ringsy.’ Which apparently means lots of slow-motion and broody walking.

Saint Nikalaos of Myra was a key figure in the early years of the Church. Some accounts of him have him dropping gifts for the poor via their chimneys, probably the basis of the Santa mythos. Surprisingly, the film makes little mention of that focusing instead on the Nicaea Council in 325. Even in those early years there were splits in the Church and the Nicene Creed was the document that confirmed Jesus as God made man. Not everyone agreed, such as Arius of Alexandria. So what did Jolly Saint Nick do? He beat the shit out of him, that’s what. I don’t know if ‘believe what I do or I’ll thump you’ is really the message the film should go for but there you have it: Santa Claus, defender of the faith and professional ass-kicker.

Now what this has to do with Santa advertising Coca-Cola, I don’t know.

That’s enough for Walter who gives up the meth business and embraces the Christmas spirit. He charges back to the party, slides across the floor and joins the Christmas party. Kirk Cameron saved Christmas. Not that it was ever really in much danger in the film, I suspect the tile is supposed to be a broader message of preserving the seasons ‘true’ message.

So, that’s it…oh wait, it’s still going on. Of course, Walter still needs to make up with Skyler for being such a jerk. Kirk pauses the action to ask if he should make up with her by being give her a kiss but instead we get an impromptu dance number. The joke would have worked better without the break. On reflection, they should have just gone with the kiss because the dancing is stupid. They're good dancers and all, it’s just so out of nowhere it just feels weird. Still, if you ever wanted to see Kirk Cameron do the Worm, this movie is for you.

An upbeat number like that means the end of the film…what? This is still going on? You took that Lord of the Rings thing too literally. Four minutes sitting round a table eating dinner (by the way, this is supposed to be a party at Kirk’s sisters house and she’s cooked a full Christmas dinner for all her guests which looks like at least thirty people. No wonder she looks so exhausted in all her scenes) and Kirk narrates that all this commercialism is good and what God wants us to do. Hmm, maybe but I would be sceptical of anyone who says they know what an omniscient, omnipresent deity wants from us.

Now the film actually ends and we get a gag reel in the credits, including the director asking if water or celery is better for a dry mouth. Hilarious. Post-credit scene is two minor characters beat-boxing. Marvel, you need to up your game.

I don’t like to shit on anyone’s beliefs and I don’t doubt for a moment part of the reason for the films low rating is Kirk Cameron’s Christianity but as a film Saving Christmas doesn’t really work. Cameron makes a lot of points about the symbolism of Christmas that may strike chord with any Christians watching but in-film don’t address the questions being asked. Cameron may have his interpretation of the Christmas tree as being a symbol of Jesus but that doesn’t make his brother-in-law necessarily wrong for interpreting it as a symbol of pagan ritual. But I don’t want to get into that, enough blood has been spilt over the existence or non-existence of a God or Gods and I don’t want to add to it here.

On a technical level, it’s competent enough. No crazy jump-cuts or weird angles to complain about. And actually, some of the imagery is really quite good. Tonally it’s a bit weird though. Going from light and jovial to deep and serious back to a guy complaining they need to fight to keep ‘Crazy Shirts Friday.’ If I could describe this film in a word, it would be ‘weird.’ Which is not a word I was expecting to use. The opening credits have a ska version of 'Silent Night'. Ska has a high tempo, high energy beat. This is not that kind of film.

I don’t necessarily hate this film. I like that they do try to have an upbeat message about the season even if I don’t agree with all the points they make. I don’t think it’s as terrible as many make out but I’d say it’s misguided.

IMDB Bottom 100: Number 3 - Codename Koz

Number 3: Code Name KOZ (2015)

Propaganda movies. They have existed almost along as moving pictures have. Birth of a Nation, Triumph of the Will and Brexit: The Movie being notable examples.

Now it’s Turkey’s (who have been making a late stab at being the home of bad movies) turn to have a go at it. The main message being: President Erdoğan, what a guy.

Code Name Koz is a re-telling of the 2013 corruption scandal in Turkey. Basically, what happened was a number of government ministers were accused of bribery and money-laundering of Iranian gold in return for Iran’s gas and oil despite Iran being under international sanctions.

Except that isn’t what happened. Not if you’ve watched this movie. No, it was all a conspiracy by Erdoğan’s enemies backed by the evil United States. Needless to say, this film was funded by the Turkish government. Nobody really wanted to show the film but 850 cinemas in Turkey were forced to put the film on, pushing back the release dates of more legitimate films. Luckily, this doesn't mean people have to go to see it. And they didn't. Well done.

But, let’s be fair. Let’s imagine this isn’t just a cheap propaganda movie. Let’s imagine this as a film in its’ own right without the government angle. After all, this blog is about film and not politics. And…it still sucks balls.

In fairness, the production isn’t terrible even if the director is a little too keen on his jump cuts and split-screens. It’s just everything else.

If I hadn’t looked up the background of this movie, I would not have a clue what was going on. Even the subtitles didn’t help much with so many different characters flitting in and out all the time.

Apart from the acting, confusing plot and awful music, the worst thing about Code Name Koz is that it is deathly dull. More than once I found myself thinking ‘is this still going on?’, then I would look at the timer and realise it was not even half way through. They even manage to make a helicopter crash look boring, how do you do that?

I hope you are a fan of watching men sitting at tables talking because there is a lot of it. I would estimate a good 80% of the film is men talking at tables (with an occasional woman as well) with other events happening in between, such as the afore mentioned helicopter crash. But those were just to whet your appetite for more table sitting. One scene it looks like they are just sitting on chairs without a table setting off my OCD but luckily, its soon revealed there is a small coffee table in between the men. Crisis averted.

It presents itself as an action/political thriller but it’s not. It’s really not.

Back in the real world, following the scandal of government officials taking bribes, Erdoğan had 350 police and intelligence officers removed from their positions and changed a number of regulations relating to how financial crimes are investigated. Because that’s not suspicious. But as we all know the truth from this movie, it was all a plot from America to remove him from power as part of a 10 year plan to take control of the middle-east (which in fairness, isn’t that unbelievable).

Still, what a guy.

IMDB Bottom 100: Number 4 - Himmatwala

Number 4: Himmatwala (2013)

A moment please: this will be the last trip to Bollywood on this journey but please, no tears.

I don’t proclaim to be an expert on Bollywood cinema but there is something that draws you to it: colour! Hollywood is awash with grey, brown and moody blue tints but over in India they have bright greens, pinks and yellows. There are some who think Bollywood should be darker and more gritty, I disagree. It’s reassuring to know in these bleak times that there is still somewhere in the world where brightness still prevails and it’s what gives Bollywood its’ identity. Never change.

That said, it doesn’t stop Bollywood from churning out its fair share of shit. And Himmatwala is shit. An ‘Entertainer’ from director Sajid Khan, who brought us Hummshakals (see number 16), it’s a remake of a film from the 80’s and it’s reassuring to know Indian audiences are just as disdainful toward remakes as Western audiences. And from what I can gather, the original isn’t particularly well loved either.

It promises to ‘take us back to the eighties’ and that at least is true. The first scene is in a nightclub and you can tell it’s the 80’s because there’s a giant Rubik’s cube hanging from the ceiling. It’s 1983 to be exact, which makes the Ghostbuster’s (1984) logo and Top Gun (1986) poster a little pre-mature. There’s a female singer performing what I think might be an Indian-Disco version of The Cure’s Friday I’m in Love. Then it turns into fight club. I’m no expert but I’m sure this didn’t happen in 1980’s nightclubs in India. That’s all just to introduce us to superhero Ravi. Not literally a superhero but he may as well be he is so ridiculously tough.

The main story is in a village outside Mumbai, where Ravi “returns” (why the quotation marks? Wait and see) to see his mother and sister and to take revenge on the cruel landlord who controls the area and had framed his father for murder, Sher Singh. As a young boy Ravi had attempted to murder Singh but had been forced to flee for his life, now he puts the scares on him by beating up some of his goons.

Singh has a daughter, Rekha, who starts as a cruel, spoilt brat and after being humiliated by Ravi, tries to take revenge by releasing a tiger into the village (yes, really). But her plan goes wrong when it looks like the tiger might attack her but Ravi makes the save and wrestles the tiger (it’s as stupid as it sounds). The tiger wrestling is fun when you play the ‘real tiger/man in suit’ game. Ravi then befriends the tiger and sends it on its’ merry way. From this point, Rekha does a 180 and becomes the romantic interest in the film.

There is another sub-plot with Ravi’s sister Padma who wishes to marry Singh’s son-in-law, Shakti. This is all a ruse by Singh to get back at Ravi, as when they are married they treat Padma like dirt, beating her and making her sleep with the cattle. Ravi plots with Rekha to get back at him by having her pretend to be pregnant with his baby so she will have to marry him. India is a more liberal culture than some may think but very conservative in other ways, an unmarried mother for a daughter would bring great shame to Sher Singh. Ravi uses this fake pregnancy to blackmail Singh into giving up his power and returning the land to the villagers.

There is a twist though, because Ravi is not Ravi. The real Ravi died when he was run over by a car, the fake Ravi was a friend from the orphanage they grew up in and was fulfilling the last wish of his dead friend to look after his family. When Singh learns of this falsehood and the false pregnancy, he makes a last attempt to regain power bringing in a team of cage fighters to destroy him.

Lots of awkward wire-fighting later and they finally have Ravi on the ropes when the tiger from earlier makes the save! With his new found feline ally, Ravi finally conquers the meathead army and is about to kill Singh when his ‘mother’ begs him to spare his life. Singh is indebted to Ravi and begs his forgiveness.

Much of the above sounds quite serious stuff but that’s the problem, it’s not. 80% of the movie is played for laughs but the bizarre tonal shifts really jar. For example, there is a scene with Ravi’s sister Padma when she is in the back of a truck with a group of Sher Singh’s goons and it is implied they are about to gang-rape her until Ravi makes the save. The next scene is Singh and his brother-in-law having comedy japes with cartoon sound effects. And that happens ALL THE TIME. Make a choice, you are either a revenge thriller or a light-hearted comedy with characters breaking the fourth wall at random intervals. You can’t be both.

Ravi is ridiculously over the top, he’s not a man, he’s Thor. He can lift and swing a wagon with ease, knives have no effect on him, he can bust a steel lock with a swipe of his hand. His 'mother' is a little too quick to forgive his deception, though.

Rekha also changes a little too fast. She is a really horrible person at the start and , granted Ravi does save her life but to have changed so completely in an instant stretches credibility.

Then there’s Sher Singh’s brother-in-law, Narayan Das. He’s supposed to be comic relief which is probably why he’s in 75% of the movie. With a silly wig and fake moustache, he’s your typical bungling sort. I suppose he’s amusing in his way but he grates a bit seeing him in nearly every scene.

And an outtake reel over the end credits, don’t you just love those?

I know Bollywood has its tendency to melodrama but man, there are limits. I’m also worried director Sajid Khan has an s&m fetish. There is a LOT of whipping that takes place here.

So it’s bye-bye to Bollywood but I know you’re better than this.

IMDB Bottom 100: Number 5 - Birdemic 2

Number 5: Birdemic 2 – The Resurrection (2013)

So, despite all sense and logic, the first Birdemic movie was a cult hit. Enough so that a sequel was made.

To sum up the story so far: some birds attacked and then flew away, all due to global warming. That was easy, a whole film in 12 words.

The sequel is the same as the first movie but with the insanity turned up to eleven.

Now we have pre-historic birds to deal with, resurrected by the acid rain from the tar pits in LA. So, the heavy handed environmental message is still there, thank goodness.

There is also another point been made about the Hollywood studio system. These big studios don’t give directors creative control over their films you see, not like in the Indies where you can make any old pap. This is not something James Nguyen will ever have to worry about of course.

In terms of structure, it’s identical to the first film. It’s 45 minutes of nothing before the kamikaze birds strike.

The first part is about an award-winning director Bill and his struggles to make his movie while seducing a naïve young actress, Gloria. That’s not quite how its presented but it’s basically what happens. Rod and Nathalie are back! And their funding Bill’s movie.

In fact, all the old gang are back: the scientist guy who gives another lecture on global warming; Nathalie’s mum (who is actually producer Patsy van Ettinger, who has produced all of James Nguyen’s movies. So now you know who to blame); Damian Carter has some new material to serenade us with; Treehugger is back and now he’s a reality TV star.

Other highlights include:

• -          An attack by the worst looking CGI jellyfish you’ll ever see (which ironically is also the best CGI jellyfish you’ll have ever seen. How many others can you think of?)
• -          A great bit of continuity. Tony, one of the children from the first film, has now been adopted by Rod and Nathalie. To explain other child Susan’s absence, he says ‘she got a disease from that fish that Rod cooked.’ Apparently, he improved that. Bravo, young man, bravo.
• -          Everyone’s favourite modern trope: zombies. Acid rain brings the dead back to life apparently. On a side note, when people get buried isn’t it usually in their finery? Suits and fine dresses and such. These zombies are just wearing regular clothes.
• -          Faces been blurred because they didn’t clear their image rights
• -          Attacking birds with coat-hangers again. Rod is not content with this and feels he has to crescent kick them. Also, guns have unlimited ammo in this universe.

My absolute favourite moment though, is when they are being attacked by killer birds on the set of Cabot Cove (home of Jessica Fletcher of Murder, She Wrote. Yes, it is the real set but they only had an hour to film before it was opened to tourists). This is the moment one of the characters (he’s just bird fodder so he doesn’t need a name) feels it is important, no, absolutely vital, that he tells us ‘Jaws is my favourite movie.’ Ok. Thanks for sharing. I don’t know how they could ever have got out of their situation without that information.

I don’t know the connection either.

Sticking rigidly to structure of the first film, the killer birds fly away at the end. Because movie. Also, if you want to survive in this world, you've gotta wear green. Green, you see? The environment, save the planet, etc.

Only skimming the surface again, the film is hilarious in its ineptitude. Student film-makers would be embarrassed to have made this.

The best news though? Birdemic 3 is rumoured to be in production.

IMDB Bottom 100: Number 6 - Birdemic

Number 6: Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010)

I’ve noted before, I didn’t go into this 100 worst thing entirely blind, I have seen a lot of these films before.

Some I’ve seen many times. Many, many times. Birdemic is one such film. It’s similar to whenever I watch Superman IV, I know what I’m watching is awful but there’s always something new I hadn’t noticed before that makes me enjoy it more.

I don’t feel like I even need to watch it again to do a review of it. I can describe the whole intro right up to the opening line of dialogue. In fact I’ll do just that:

Opening with a POV shot inside a moving car with an awful music loop playing over the top. Seriously, it’s just two bars repeating over and over. Windows Movie Maker credits appear giving us the main players but also ‘Supporting Casts’ because one supporting cast just isn’t enough. Watching this car drive slowly along the road for four minutes but feels three times as long. Eventually our, for lack of a better word, ‘hero’ carefully parks his car (if there is one message to take from this film its park safely because there is a lot of car parking coming up). Rod slowly walks from his car in a way that you would not expect any person to walk in, he looks so unnatural. Eventually he makes it to the restaurant where a terminator is disguised as a waitress. It’s the only explanation I have for the ridiculous way the first line is delivered. You would need to hear it to fully appreciate it, its’ only one word ‘Hi!’ but if you assume multiple takes are done for each shot, like a proper film-maker would, you have to conclude that was the best take. So God only knows how bad the others were.

One new thing I did notice when re-watching was a credit for Tippi Hedren, star of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds which Birdemic is a loose remake of. Though writer and director James Nguyen clearly didn’t take note of how Hitchcock built suspense in his films. But seriously Hedren is on screen for a second on a TV in a motel room. I do like the cheekiness of it.

Since Nguyen tried and failed to get Birdemic shown at the 2009 Sundance Film Festival, driving a truck with the film’s title emblazoned on the side, it has picked up quite the cult following. If you go on You Tube and type in ‘Birdemic’ hundreds of videos reviews will appear, from little nobodies in their basements to big million plus subscriber channels.

The criticisms always note the same things: the awful acting; Rod being the worlds’ worst salesman; Nathalie apparently being a Victoria’s Secret model but has all her photo sessions in a one-hour photo shop; the excessive parking; the ham fisted environmental message; the stupid song in the nightclub (‘Just hanging out, hanging out, with the family, Yeah!’); it being 47minutes before we even see anything with wings; the kamikaze exploding birds with plane sound effects; fighting off birds with coat-hangers (the motel wouldn’t let them take out the shower rails); the children who immediately forget the brutal murders of their parents; the movie occasionally taking a break to bring you an environmental lecture on global warming and Spruce Bark Beetles; fishing apparently requiring no hooks or bait.

That’s a small sample that barely skims the surface. The one thread that runs through all reviews though is: this is the best bad movie ever! And it really is. Everything about it is wrong. Some claim that Birdemic is intentionally bad. I disagree, to have deliberately made a film as bad as this would have required far too much thought and effort.

The problem with there being all this material available makes it hard to find anything new or original to say about it. So rather than try and sum up the film any more, lets’ see what happened to the principal casts since then:

Alan Bagh – Rod – By all accounts a really nice guy, Birdemic was his first film role. Since then he’s kept himself busy with a number of straight-to-dvd releases and even had a role as an extra in Parks and Recreation. When website Rifftrax took their show on the road and done a live riff of Birdemic, Bagh attended as a special guest.

Whitney Moore – Nathalie – auditioned for her role in a car park and had to take over as make-up artist on the film after the previous two had quit. How appropriately chaotic. She’s kept herself busy since then, mostly in independent low-budget movies even if a lot of her roles do seem to be of the ‘woman in diner’ variety. There’s probably not many actresses who can list ‘Batman’ on their CV though.

Damian Carter – Nightclub singer – he of ‘Hanging out with the Family’ fame (‘gonna have ourselves a parrrrr-ty!’). Despite appearances, he is a proper musician, has performed in venues all over America and released an album. In a 2013 interview he said he had a lot of fun with Birdemic and was happy it gave him a chance to showcase his music. It’s still a weird song though.

James Nguyen – the Vietnamese born writer, director and producer. A former IT Software salesman, which is surprising given how little his films seem to understand the industry (nb. Giving away a 50% discount is never a good deal, there is such a thing as ‘profit margins’ you know). He’s never had any formal training in filmmaking, which explains a lot, but founded Moviehead Pictures in 2001. The people he casts in his films typically have little movie experience themselves. The blind leading the blind. Though he's so out there I think he might secretly be a genius.

One day, I hope for peace between man and birds too...

They would all be re-united though, one more time…

IMDB Bottom 100: No. 7 - Foodfight!

Number 7: Foodfight (2012)

The bad movie that was 10 years in the making.

Which is quite impressive really. Most films are bad because they’re rushed through with little thought behind them. They had a decade to mull over this one and still got it spectacularly wrong.

Made for a budget of $65 million, the first question that strikes you is: where did all the money go? I can tell you where it didn’t go: the animation. It’s not the worst I’ve ever seen to be fair (maybe one day I’ll get to those) but it’s very crude and basic. Not $65 million worth. To put this budget in some sort of perspective, the first Toy Story cost $30 million and Shrek cost $60 million. And both of those films look a thousand times better.

Maybe the cast were a big expense? Well there are some biggish names attached: Charlie Sheen, Eva Longoria, both Hilary and Haylie Duff (I guess they were still relevant when voices were recorded) and Christopher Lloyd. Oh, Chris. I expected this from Charlie but you? You should know better. Still, you were the best thing in 1000 Ways to Die in the West.

Foodfight is written and directed by Lawrence Kasanoff, who brought us such treats as Mortal Kombat: Annihilation and erm, Foodfight! Actually I’m being unfair, as a producer he’s done some good stuff. As a writer and director, not so much.

Thematically, this comes at an interesting time as at time of writing, Seth Rogan comedy Sausage Party is currently in cinemas. They are similar in that they revolve around supermarket items coming to life at night when the store is closed, though Sausage Party is about the food itself while Foodfight! is about the colourful mascots you see on the front of the boxes. They also differ in that Sausage Party is intended for adults while Foodfight! isn’t really suitable for anyone to watch. And by all accounts, Sausage Party is rather good.

I’m starting to worry about the amount of times ‘Sausage Party’ is appearing on this page.

Foodfight! does have its ‘one for the dad’s’ moments (you know, the adult moments they put in kids films they aren’t supposed to get). One that stands out is having Eva Longoria’s characters crotch area dominate the screen but through trick of perspective, make it look like giant insect bugs are flying from her vagina. Is this a commentary on man’s fear of female sexuality, so her vagina is presented as both desirable and to be feared? Nah, they just thought it looked funny.

The plot, such that it is, centres on our main character Dex Dogtective (Charlie Sheen). The film can’t quite make its mind up about Dex, he looks like a canine Indiana Jones but alternates between this and a mix of Humphrey Bogart characters Sam Spade and Rick Blaine. Please, pick one and stick with it. The store all the characters live in turns into a city the moment the store closes but needs to be back in place by the time the sun rises. If the store owner ever watched his CCTV he would be freaked out.

Dex’s girlfriend Sunshine disappears about the same time new mysterious product Brand X hits the shelves. Which brings us to Christopher Lloyd’s character who brings Brand X into the store and his character is something else. The way he talks, overprooonooounciaaaating all his words, the amazing unnatural movements. I like to think they motion captured Christopher Lloyd for this, the image of it would be incredible. It would explain where the budget went, that stuffs expensive.

The mascot for Brand X is Lady X (Eva Longoria), the sexy femme fatale wannabe Fuhrer. Yes, as Brand X takes over the store Nazi-style, she even has her own Nuremberg Rally. She wants to kill off all the other mascots and have their products ‘recalled’. Mascots can be killed conventionally but being recalled seems to be considered worse though both seem to be effectively the same.

Dex leads the resistance against Lady X, assisted by his best friend squirrel Daredevil Dan. Dan is Donkey to Dex’s Shrek but a lot more annoying. And they really ram home he’s the black character early on with lots of reference to him being ‘chocolate’. You know, squirrels, chocolate, that whole connection. But then Dex’s girlfriend is a weird cat lady that somehow promotes raisins, so why question it?

Dex leads the resistance against the naXi’s (see what I did there) that culminates in a, you guessed it: FOODFIGHT!!! Actually there are some amusing ideas here, seeing real life weapons reduced to foodstuff like the ketchup water cannons and cherry pie bombs.

So eventually good guys win after a patience breaking 90 minutes, Dex gets his girl back and everyone dances for far, far too long. Seriously, we don’t need to see what happened to every single character, especially when only 4-5 have more than 1 minute of screen time.

And if you’re hoping to see icons like Count Chocula and Captain Crunch, you’ll be very disappointed. Not many big brands wanted to attach themselves to this so you get a lot of rip-offs instead. Vlad Chocool anyone?

I can’t help thinking this was a Producer’s style set-up, this was meant to fail. They had the worst script, the worst animators, the worst story, worst directors, worst actors (well, some).

Though unlike The Producers, this time it did all go wrong/right (RIP Gene Wilder).

Now let's all go see Sausage Party.

IMDB Bottom 100: Number 8 - Keloglan vs the Black Prince

Number 8: Keloglan vs The Black Prince (2006)

Oh Turkey, Turkey, Turkey.

Please stop making movies. Pretty please?

This is the third Turkish movie I’ve watched in a row and I don’t think it’s good for me.

It’s the fourth overall and I think that probably makes me an expert in the subject of Turkish cinema. Four movies is more than 99% of the rest of the worlds’ population have seen (the other 1% being actual Turkish people obviously). There is an interesting sub-genre in the bad film world known as ‘Turkish Remakesploitation’ as it was common for Turkish film-makers to take Hollywood films and remake them for Turkish audiences. The myth is that this was because of a ban on Western movies in Turkey. There wasn’t it was just hacks looking to make a quick buck off somethings success.

Keloglan vs The Black Prince appears to be exploiting two sources. Unfortunately those sources appear to be Hoodwinked and Friedberg and Seltzer movies.

Set in the world of Fairy Tales, Keloglan is a simple shepherd who has been betrothed to the Princess, why I’m not sure but just go with it. Keloglan (which I believe means ‘Bald hero’) is played by Mehmet Ali Erbil, who played the villain in Yes, Sir. As he was about the only entertaining thing in that movie, I wasn’t entirely upset to see him again. Amazing rubbery face.

When first we meet him, he has long flowing blonde locks but he loses them while saving the Princess from a crappy CGI dragon. Its’ actually quite a good sequence as the Black Prince also appears and the two squabble over who gets to save the Princess while she remains in mortal danger. Keloglan saves her in the end but loses his hair in the process. Forward four years and Keloglan is suicidal while the Princess Cankiz has been trying to get out of the marriage sending him off on quests hoping he’ll fail. Which is quite the 180 as in the previous scene she had seemed very much into him.

The latest quest she has for him is to go steal a belt from a particularly ill-tempered giant. But along the way, Keloglan and his side-kick Cankuslogan have the idea that any belt would do so set off in search of a less dangerous giant to steal a belt from. They are aided and/or hindered by Temyuslogan, who is actually a woman called Balkiz who is in love with Keloglan so has dressed as a man to be near him. This is because the film has ideas way above its station and wants to parallel Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night. You can’t miss it as the book is directly referenced throughout to the point Balkiz is actually reading a copy of it. Which makes no sense at all. Firstly, this is clearly not the same Universe as Shakespeare and if you did apply a time period to this, it would be long before Shakespeare was born.

Anyway lots of fairy tale references in here: Aladdin, Rapunzel, Red Riding Hood, Snow White, Cinderella (who is a villain for some reason). There’s a meeting of villains and I’m sure one of them is supposed to be Bluto from Popeye, which was a bit weird. There were more modern references as well such as The Ring and the Macarena (I did say ‘more modern’). The finale has Keloglan doing an Elton John impression in a pink wig.

Back to the story, they find a female giant performing Hamlet (see point above re Shakespeare) in a circus and persuade her to come back with them (dressed as a man, I think it’s the writers fetish) to show they completed the task. This brings out the real giant and Keloglan’s deception is revealed. He then has to escape his entrapment and stop the Princess marrying the Black Prince.

The Black Prince, ostensibly our villain but I don’t get him. I don’t know what his grand plan is. He wants the Bad guys to be on the top and to do this he wants to marry Princess Cankiz of the Goodie kingdom, which she is very much up for. But after that? Nothing. No great grab for the Kingdom, just marry the Princess. I guess he’s happy to wait for the Sultan to pop his clogs.

Interestingly though, by the end of the film the Black Prince HAS married the Princess but has apparently failed because Keloglan has realised she wasn’t as nice as he’d thought she was and told him so. I guess in Fairytale Land that stuff makes a difference.

All the characters dance to a cover of 'I Will Survive' to finish. I don't get the song choice.

Overall, I’d say Keloglan vs The Black Prince is: meh. It’s a comedy that’s not funny but at least the ideas are there if not the execution.

I’d sooner watch this again than anything Friedberg and Seltzer have ever made.