IMDB Bottom 100: No.s 94 & 93 - Simon Sez & Laserblast

Number 94: Simon Sez (1999)

For some reason in the 1990’s, Hollywood producers got in their heads that basketball players would make good movie stars. Because the ability to hit a slam dunk is obviously transferrable to acting.

Michael Jordan had a go. Shaquille O’Neal went into movies, video games and rap. He sucked at all three.

The star of Simon Sez is Dennis Rodman, the original bad boy of the NBA. Rodman has a distinctive look with his bleached hair and multiple piercings, he regularly courted controversy throughout his NBA career. He carried on much the same after retirement becoming good friends with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un.

Rodman won a Razzie Award for his role in the lead role of Simon Sez but to be fair to ‘The Worm’, he’s not the worst thing in the film. Don't get me wrong, he is bad but at least he has some charisma about him. More offensive is Dane Cook as his goofy sidekick, Nick. Dane Cook isn’t a much known figure outside the US and for that we should all be grateful (unless you live in the US in which case, you have our sympathies). He just gurns his way through every scene to the point Rodman’s appearance actually becomes a blessed relief.

Simon Sez is a spiritual successor to 1997 movie Double Team, in which Rodman also starred with Jean Claude Van Damme.  Unfortunately, the Van Daminator is nowhere to be found here…wait, did I just write that?

Rodman plays Interpol agent Simon who has to foil a suitably over the top terrorist’s plot to blow up the world’s monuments with a kidnapped girl sub-plot. Simon is ‘assisted’ by CIA Agent Nick, the Cyber-Monks (two tech guys who dress up as Monks and like to dance) and his ex-girlfriend, Dancer (look out for an epilepsy inducing sex-scene).

So, the terrorists take over the world…of course they don’t, the good guys kill the terrorists, save the world and our hero gets the girl.

There are some good action scenes and well done fight choreography but you to have to put up with the ‘comic relief’ to get to it. Don’t expect too much out of it and Simon Sez is not too bad.

Number 93: Laserblast (1976)

As far as titles go, Laserblast is pretty spot on. There’s a laser and it blasts. You can’t really argue with that.

To sum up, an alien lands on earth pursued by another group of aliens but they leave one of their weapons behind . A teenage boy finds the laser gun but it doesn’t work. Then he finds it power source, so now he can blow stuff up and take revenge on everyone who ever done him wrong. The more he uses the gun however, the more it begins to mutate his body and he becomes more indiscriminate with his killing, until the aliens return to reclaim their property.

That all looks fairly interesting but truthfully, Laserblast is a fairly unremarkable film with not much really going for it. There is a small role for Roddy McDowall and the aliens look interesting, a sort of cross between our traditional idea of aliens and a dinosaur.

The early to mid-70’s were not a great time for Sci-Fi with not many major productions coming through and Planet of the Apes franchise getting worse with each sequel. Luckily, by the time of this films release, Star Wars was just one year away.

(these are from the list of IMDB bottom 100 as it was on 31^st August 2015)

IMDB Bottom 100: No.s 96 & 95 - Oasis of the Zombies and The Beast of Yucca Flats

Number 96: Oasis of Zombies (1982)

Horror movies. They feature quite heavily in worst movie lists and often with good reason.

They are cheap, easy to produce and don’t require a great amount of effort put into them. They are chiefly used by studios as ‘tent-pole’ movies which they can use the profits to make their major productions.

Even by horror movie standards, Oasis of the Zombies is cheap. OotZ is a Spanish horror movie that plods along at a slow pace, so slow in fact I’m reminded of comedy series Garth Marenghi’s Dark Place in which title character Marenghi explains they used slow motion as much as possible as they found all their episodes were running under time.

The camera is jerky throughout, so a tripod must have been out of the films budget. Plus I think they were only given one camera to work with anyway and it had to be back in the shop by 12.

Then there’s the awful incidental music on an organ that plays throughout coupled with often odd choice of angles and watching this film becomes a nausea inducing experience.

Oh, and there is some of the worst over-acting since Cristiano Ronaldo's last match on display.

The story does what it says on the tin, there’s an oasis and there’s zombies. The story goes that the German’s were transporting gold across a North African desert during World War II, they got attacked by the Allies and now the gold is lost in the desert. 40 years later, a group of teenagers decide to go out looking for it, only now it’s guarded by zombies for…reasons. They get attacked, they turn into zombies but one of the kids survives because these are only night zombies so when dawn comes they all disappear.

And that’s it really. Just a dull zombie movie.

There is one amusing line though, when one of the kids shouts, ‘Make some Molotov cocktails! Just like in school.’ Because we all remember that chemistry lesson don’t we?

Number 95: Beast of Yucca Flats (1961)

Ah, Tor Johnson. If you know about the history of bad movies then you probably know about Tor Johnson, as he was a regular feature in the films of Ed Wood, who is often referred to as ‘the Worst Director of All Time.’ (I think director of this film Coleman Francis, gives him a run for his money though)

Tor Johnson was a former wrestler in his native Sweden and stood 6’7”, weighed 390lbs but was by all accounts a real teddy bear of a man. Late in his career he was often typecast as brainless monsters due to his impressive size and Beast of Yucca Flats is no different.

On the plus side, at only 54 minutes Beast of Yucca Flats is short. How they packed so little into that time I’ll never know.

Johnson is a defecting Russian scientist who gets involved in an atomic accident (Yucca Flats is a region of Nevada that was used for nuclear testing) and is transformed into a monster who stalks the flats killing all he comes across apart from pretty women. Because he may be a monster but he’s still a man.

The story is told via a narrator, with very little spoken dialogue, who litters his narration with phrases such as ‘the wheels of progress’, ‘man’s humanity to man’, ‘scales of justice’. All of which have nothing to do with what is happening on the screen.

Two cops go out hunting for the beast and after eventually killing him, the beast’s dead body is gnawed on by a rabbit. Ok. Then.

Sure Beast of Yucca Flats is boring with bad acting, a rubbish story and bad direction but hey, 54 minutes!

(these are from the list of IMDB Bottom 100 as it was on 31^st August 2015)

IMDB Bottom 100: No.s 98 & 97 - Demon Island & Tees Maar Khan

The next two films in the worst of the worst list

Number 98: Demon Island (2002)

The best way to sum up Demon Island would be Nightmare on Elm Street meets Predator. Seriously, the monster in this film uses heat vision and then steals their souls.

So, the film begins with a drawn out explanation of how a demon was trapped inside a clay piñata hundreds of years ago (it’s not specific about the time) in an unknown Central American country.  So obviously, a group of American teenagers come along and set it free.

Chief among our teens are Nicholas Brendon (better remembered as Xander in long running tv series Buffy the Vampire Slayer) and Jaime Pressley (who was excellent as Joy in My Name is Earl).  Along with a group of other rather forgettable teens, they arrive on island as some sort of College fraternity break to play a game that involves them collecting lots of underwear scattered across the island. Yes, really.

They all get paired up with Xander and Joy being forced together, which neither is happy about as they recently broke up but that doesn’t really play much of a role in the rest of the film. Two of the kids find the piñata, they break it open and the demon escapes.

From there on, it’s like every slasher film you ever saw as all the kids get picked off one by one. Xander and Joy survive to the end (along with a tour guide who disappeared from movie for about 40 minutes), they kill the monster, escape the island and there’s a shot to establish a possible sequel.

I don’t know if Demon Island’s really that bad, just generic.

Number 97: Khan the Con (2010)

This is an interesting one as Khan the Con (or Tees Maar Khan) takes us into the world of Bollywood.

This is not a genre I am overly familiar with, I have seen a few Bollywood films but am by no means an expert. I am going to focus on the film elements rather than the songs because it’s not a style of music I listen to and in all honesty, I probably could not tell you a good Bollywood song from a bad one.

However, even with my limited knowledge of Indian cinema I know the likes of Akshay Kumar and Katrina Kaif are fairly big name stars in Bollywood, so that’s got to be a good sign going in, right? Well, given that all the reviews from people who are more acquainted with this style are saying that the great songs can’t cover for how bad this film is, possibly not.

Well, it’s certainly as bright and colourful as you’d expect from a Bollywood movie.

The story revolves around Akshay Kumar as the titular Tees Maar Khan, an internationally renowned criminal, who is planning a great train robbery. His plan involves duping a village into commiting the robbery for him by pretending to be a Hollywood director shooting a movie. That’s not a typo by the way, I did mean Hollywood as Khan pretends to be M Night Shyamalan (or M Day Ramalan as he calls himself in this film).

Predictably, he grows a heart and can’t let the villagers take the blame for his crimes. He escapes prison, beats the bad guys and we have our happy ending (which is appropriately enough, the title of the last song in the film).

There are a few too many characters, the three stooges in Tees Maar Khan’s gang start to grate pretty quickly and Katrina Kaif’s character Anya doesn’t add anything to the movie. The film drags on a bit too long and would have benefitted from being cut down to 80-90 minutes but from my experience Bollywood doesn’t believe in shorter movies.

But in fairness, Akshay Kumar is charming in the title role and he has the charisma to carry the rest of the movie.

Overall, it wasn’t too bad so is maybe a little unlucky to be in the bottom 100 of all time.

IMDB Bottom 100: Numbers 100&99 - Breaking Wind and Underground Comedy

I like watching bad movies. I do like watching good movies too but there is a charm to watching bad movies too. And these are the worst, or at least they are according to the users of www.IMDB.com.

These are the official 100 bottom movies of all time (http://www.imdb.com/chart/bottom?ref_=chttp_ql4). And I have resolved to watch them all.

A list of this kind obviously is always subject to change but this is the list as it was on 31^st August 2015 when I first decided to embark on this endeavour.

Number 100: Breaking Wind: Part 1 (2012)

Number 100 on the list is ‘Breaking Wind: Part 1’, which as you might expect is a parody of the Twilight movies. So it’s a terrible comedy based on a terrible film and book franchise. Remember what I said about bad movies having a charm to them? That doesn’t apply to comedies, they’re always just bad.

There’s not a lot new that can be said about Twilight that hasn’t already been said: the nonsensical story, the bland characters and the fact Bella is a terrible role model for young girls. So what great comedic insights does Breaking Wind have for us? Well, three minutes in and we’ve already had a fart joke and a joke about adult incontinence. That’s the level we’re dealing with here.

As you may have guessed from the title, there are a lot of fart jokes. And I mean a lot. If they aren’t actually farting they are talking about it. Given the right context and set-up a fart can be as funny as anything else but farts for the sake of it is not.

Bella and Edward are just as dull as their Twilight counterparts, so at least they got that right. Jacob is fat and eats all the time. However, he is always talking about his abs and ‘six-pack’. This might actually be the only good idea in the film that Jacob’s delusion about his body is an allegory for his delusion he could actually end up with Bella. But I suspect the director (Craig Moss, who is also the writer) just thought it would be funny to make him fat.

Danny Trejo (of Machete fame) turns up to prove he will do anything for a pay cheque as the head of the werewolves telling a nonsense story about the birth of their race that references Transformers, The Smurfs and just about every other 80’s cartoon series they could cram in. Then there’s a bit about the tribe being wiped out by four Johnny Depp characters (Edward Scissorhands, Willy Wonka, the Mad Hatter and, of course, Captain Jack Sparrow. I didn’t get it). And then Danny Trejo farts. Obviously.

The story is the standard Twilight, new group of vampires moves into area, they want to kill Bella for…reasons, blah,blah, blah. But that’s all just a distraction from the director’s perfect vision of non-stop farting. I hate that I’ve had to mention farts so many times but Breaking Wind just gives you no choice.

The last bit of the film is real life footage of Twilight fans (who I have now learned are called ‘Twi-hards’) reacting to footage of a Twilight film trailer (doesn’t say which one). One girl in particular, who says she saw a Twilight film (again, doesn’t say which one) 5 times in the same day, gets a good kicking.

After the credits have ended there is an extra-scene that is actually a call-back to the start of the movie. A man lying on all fours in the rain, screaming ‘I’m sorry!’

Too little, too late.

Number 99 - The Underground Comedy Movie (1999)

On to the 99^th worst film of all time is The Underground Comedy Movie. This was a hard movie to track down and in the end I had to watch in Italian with English subtitles. But it was absolutely not worth the effort.

What you have here is a collection of not very funny short films. Bat-man (he uses a baseball bat), Dickman (a superman parody about a guy with a penis for a head, guess how he attacks his enemies) and an almost certainly racist Asian sex instruction video.

Some notable cameos though such as from Michael Clarke Duncan, who plays a gay virgin saving himself ‘for the right guy’ but being hit on by the same man in a series of skits that repeat throughout the movie and has no real pay-off. Michael Clarke Duncan was a fine actor (though probably limited in his roles by his size) but for every Green Mile there was a Daredevil, Scorpion King and a, well, Underground Comedy Movie to go with it.

Slash from Guns ‘n’ Roses turns up in one skit, not looking like he has any idea what’s going on. I don’t think he was acting.

The start of the film has a definition of ‘satire’ but what exactly is being satirised isn’t quite clear. At the end a message comes up on screen saying, ‘To all the self-righteous, prima-donna, cock-sucking hypocrites: You are our inspiration.’ This is a cynical attempt by the director Vince Offer, to deflect any criticism. If you don’t like the film because it’s an unfunny piece of crap, it’s not their fault,iIt’s you who has the problem.

The main problem the film has is that it’s just flat out boring, the biggest crime for a comedy movie. Breaking Wind was bad but at least it didn’t drag out it’s scenes. Every scene UCM just goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on. You are probably thinking I should have stopped that at least four ‘and on’s’ ago. Well, that’s what watching The Underground Comedy Movie is like.

Two down, 98 to go.

End Credit Scenes are Over. Damn you, Shawarma!

When I went to watch the latest Marvel Avengers film, at the end of the movie the lights went up in the theatre. But nobody moved.
The same thing had happened when I saw The Guardians of the Galaxy. And a few other times before that.
Why was no one leaving? Because they were waiting for the end credit scene of course!

The first end credit scene I remember seeing was in Masters of the Universe when Skeletor's head came up out of the red lake to say 'I'll be back!' (still waiting for that, unless you count the abominable 90's cartoon The New Adventures of He-Man. Which nobody does). I have found many others since that time.
Action films are rife for them. Comedy films are a good source too (and I'm not counting blooper reels in that). Animated kids movies are another good place to look.
To clarify, by end credits I am also including the 'mid-credits' scenes as well which are becoming increasingly in vogue.

These were unexpected treats though. There was no guarantee you'd have one waiting for you. When you found them, they were a reward for your patience in sitting through 10-15 minutes of credits and wondering what actually is a 'Best Boy' anyway?

This is where Marvel have gone wrong. Sure, the scenes are good for setting up their movie universe and I recognise the value they have in that sense. The problem is, everyone is expecting them now.
Nobody wants to be the guy who misses out so everyone sits through to the end. In days past if you found them, you were in a niche club of the few who had seen the extra 20 seconds at the end. Now everyone is seeing them there isn't a lot of point to them and so they might as well have just been put in the cut of the movie.

Marvel aren't the only ones doing this but they are the main offenders. The end credit scene once so rewarding has now become just another film device.

Best Movie Villains: Gaston

It’s fair to say, the Walt Disney Company have created a lot of memorable screen villains in their time. Jaffar, Ursula, Cruella and Maleficient have become icons in their own right. They all had their own various plots and schemes but perhaps one of the more interesting Disney villains is Gaston from the highly acclaimed 1991 film, Beauty and the Beast.

'No one says 'no' to Gaston!'

So what makes the champion hunter with a penchant for antler décor so interesting? Well for one thing, Gaston doesn’t really have a grand plan. His only desire is to marry the film’s heroine, Belle. Why does he want to marry Belle? She’s not a princess. She owns no land. She’s not rich. Gaston does not stand to gain anything from marrying Belle, so why does he want to marry her? Because he thinks he should marry her. After all, she’s the most beautiful girl in town and he’s the most handsome man. The fact that Belle doesn’t want to marry Gaston is only a minor obstacle. Gaston is a man used to getting what he wants and Belle’s rejections probably just make her all the more alluring for him.

                                                'He's no monster, Gaston. You are!'

To put the character in his proper context, it should be noted Gaston is not a character from the original Beauty and the Beast fairy tale. His character is actually based on the character of Avenant from 1946 French film adaptation La Belle et Le Bête (a film Disney’s version owes a great deal of debt to) but with extra narcissism.  Avenant was created to act as a stark contrast to the Beast. Avenant/Gaston is outrageously handsome while the Beast is frighteningly repulsive. Both Gaston and the Beast begin as equally bad people (if in different ways) but whereas the Beast learns to embrace his kinder, gentler side with Belle’s influence, Gaston descends further into the depths consumed by his own rage and jealousy. If he couldn’t have Belle, no one would.

By the time of his final confrontation with the Beast, Gaston is arguably more wild and animalistic than Beast had ever been (and this is what would ultimately cost Gaston his life).

This does raise a question though: if Belle could change the Beast and bring out his better side, could she in time have done the same for Gaston? After all, it was after Belle’s rejection of his marriage proposal that Gaston felt something he had likely never experienced in his life before: self-doubt.

'I'll have Belle for my wife! Make no mistake about that.'

Of course, none of this is to say Gaston doesn’t have any true villainous moments. Gaston does after all attempt to black mail Belle into marrying him by having her father put into an insane asylum and he's more than adept at manipulating a mob to join him in his quest to slay the beast. But Gaston doesn’t start off as a villain though. Compared to Jaffar from Aladdin who has his plan to take over the kingdom mapped out from the start, Gaston more kind of falls into villainy. As said above, Gaston’s only goal is to marry Belle but it’s his jealousy of her relationship with Beast that turns him into a full-fledged villain.

'Were you in love with her, Beast? Did you honestly think she'd want you when she had someone like me?'

On the surface, Gaston seems like a typical big, dumb, self-absorbed jock. Scratch beneath however, there is a more complex character than first appears and that’s what makes him one of the most compelling Disney villains.

Nobody does villainy like Gaston.

A Tribute to Robin Williams

"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2SliEAGamw

As the news filtered in of the death of Robin Williams, the world reacted with an outpouring of sadness for a man who had touched so many lives through his work. 

A comedian, an actor and a brilliant improv entertainer. There will never be another like him.

 "Mork calling Orson"

 Early in his career, Williams worked a lot of comedy clubs as an improv comedian. To be able to not only do improv but to be able to do it well is a rare gift. Audiences were often amazed at how quickly Williams mind worked. That these jokes came to his mind so fast, funny jokes too, was an incredible thing to behold.

Williams first big break came when he won a role as the alien Mork in an episode of Happy Days, a role he won by sitting on his head in the audition. This one episode was so popular that the producers decided to give him his own series on the strength of it, Mork & Mindy. A series about an alien visitor trying to understand earth (more specifically American) culture brought him to the attention of major movie producers.

"You ain't never had a friend like me"

Robin Williams will be mainly remembered for his comedy films which, if you're honest, are quite variable.

There are some good ones (Jumanji, Mrs Doubtfire) but there are some poor ones too (Patch Adams, Popeye). But even in his worst movies, you could never put the fault with Williams who always seemed to put everything he had into his roles.

For a generation though, Robin Williams will always be remembered as the voice of the Genie in Disney's Aladdin. I don't believe there's another actor who could have done what he did as the Genie.

There are other talented comedians who could have played the Genie and though he might have still been funny he would have been a different character. Only Williams could give the Genie the warmth, playfulness and child-like innocence that so endeared the character to cinema audiences.

"GOOD MORNING VIETNAMMM!!!"

As well as his comedy, Williams was a superb dramatical actor.

He received his first of four Oscar nomination for his role as Adrian Cronauer in 1987 tragi-comedy Good Morning, Vietnam. Williams plays a radio DJ stationed in Saigon during the Vietnam conflict. It should come as no surprise to learn, many of Williams lines were improvised.

Other roles followed such as Dead Poets Society, The Fisher King (both earning him Oscar nominations) and Awakenings. It was 1998 however when Williams finally won a golden statue when he won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for his role in Good Will Hunting.

In the early 2000's, he played darker roles such as in One Hour Photo and Insomnia, showing the full range of his acting skills. Even in the otherwise forgettable Bi-Centennial Man, the tragedy of Williams performance still shines through.

"People think they know you. They expect you to be literally like you are on TV or in the movies, bouncing off the walls."

As is too often the case with great performers, there is a tragedy that lies behind the laughter.

Williams suffered a lot of personal issues stemming from his alcoholism and drug abuse. He checked himself into rehab on several occasions to try and overcome it.

Twice divorced, Williams had money troubles forcing him to take on a lot of work he was ill prepared for. There are currently six Robin Williams films in post-production.

However, despite his personal problems there are many stories of his great kindness. The late actor Christopher Reeve, a long time friend, once told a story of how Williams would visit him in hospital following his riding accident that caused his paralysis. Williams, he said, was the first person to make him smile and laugh since it happened.

I don't want to focus on his tragic death but remember the great moments he provided to millions around the world.

The Genie is free. Mork has returned to the planet Ork.