Number 11: The Hottie and the Nottie (2008)
Oh Paris, Paris, Paris. Here we are again. When I wrote
about Final Justice (number 22), I
declared Joe Don Baker the King of bad movies. Well, every King must have his
Queen and Miss Hilton fits the bill perfectly.
She released a music album once too. And if there was a list
of 100 worst albums, it would be on there. Probably. I haven’t listened to it.
I’m not a masochist. I think. Well, this is the third Paris Hilton film I’ve
watched. Because I thought watching all the worst films in the world would be
fun.
To be honest, I was trying to avoid concentrating on The Hottie and the Nottie because I
looked at the synopsis and was less than enthralled. Plus The Dark Knight was on TV at the same time I was watching, so I
might be confused about what happened.
So it starts with the Joker robbing a bank and escaping in a
school bus. The hero of our film Nate (Joel David Moore) is dumped by his
girlfriend, who attempts to run him over. This is the escape pod scene from Star Wars. If you aren’t familiar with
what I mean, this is a reference to a five second scene at the start of Star Wars that is actually the most
pivotal moment in the whole of the original trilogy. R2D2 and C-3PO escape an
Imperial attack in an escape pod but the gunners on the Star Destroyer choose
not to blow it up as ‘there are no life signs on board’. Had they blown it up
there would be no Luke, no Obi Wan, no Yoda and the Empire takes over the
Galaxy. Obviously, Hottie and Nottie
isn’t on that scale but if Nate’s ex-girlfriend had succeeded this film would
have been a lot shorter.
This is a sign to Nate that he has to track down a girl called
Christabel he once fancied when he was eight. Makes sense. Batman catches
Scarecrow in a car park but also has to save some vigilantes in hockey pads.
Nate meets up with his old friend Arno, played by The Greg
Wilson. Yes, The Greg Wilson! Star of, umm…and, err…The Greg Wilson (this is
what he’s credited as). Arno it turns out has been stalking the girl Nate is
after and has a record of her movements. Yet somehow he’s clearly supposed to
be a fun, lovable character. The Joker then does a cool trick with a pencil.
Nate finds the girl he’s been after at the beach. In no time
at all and without much prompting, Christabel (Paris Hilton) reveals she won’t
date anyone until her hideous looking best friend June (Christine Lakin) is
dating someone as well. Shakespeare could have written the script. If he’d been
a bit simple.
Nate enacts pays someone to date June but it doesn’t go
well. Christine Lakin is a very attractive woman but they’ve gone all out to
make her as ugly as possible here. Moles on the face, bad skin, bad teeth,
greasy hair, obscene body hair. It's basically zombie make-up.
Paris Joker is caught after a cool car chase across Gotham
and Commissioner Gordon had faked his death all along!
Nate’s plan is complicated with the arrival of Johann, the
former marine, Harvard graduate, dentist, sometimes model who can play guitar
and has a singing voice like a tenor. He makes out he’s trying to help June by
fixing her teeth and generally beautifying her with various treatments but it’s
all a convoluted plan to get to Christabel. Two guys with the same goal but differing methods. Yeah, Shakespeare for simpletons. On a side note, I can’t look at the
name Christabel without being reminded of the episode of Family Guy when the Griffins move to New York and Chris becomes an
artist called, obviously enough, Christabel.
Joker Hilton escapes jail and sets an explosion killing
Maggie Gyllenhall and transforming Harvey Dent into Two-Face.
The whole story is basically about seeing someone’s inner
beauty, as Nate comes to realise he loves June and not Christabel. A message
slightly undermined by the fact Nate only realises his attraction when June
becomes more attractive. Shallow Hal done
it better. And when you’re getting beaten out by Jack Black, you are in big trouble.
Paris Joker Hilton blows up a hospital and then tries to get
people on boats to blow each other up.
Despite being the big star of the film, Paris Hilton’s
character actually spends a lot of time on the side-lines. Her chief role being
stand around, look attractive which is just about within her range of
capabilities. It’s when she opens her mouth it all goes wrong. There is one
scene where she has to act drunk but I’m pretty sure not much acting was
required for that part. It's the vanity that annoys me though. The films she is in, the only objective seems to be for Paris Hilton to tell the world how beautiful she is and in a film supposedly based on inner beauty, there is a touch of irony to that.
The Hottie and the
Nottie is not the film the world deserves but it’s not the film it needs
either.
