IMDB Bottom 100: Number 11 - The Hottie and The Nottie

Number 11: The Hottie and the Nottie (2008)

Oh Paris, Paris, Paris. Here we are again. When I wrote about Final Justice (number 22), I declared Joe Don Baker the King of bad movies. Well, every King must have his Queen and Miss Hilton fits the bill perfectly.

She released a music album once too. And if there was a list of 100 worst albums, it would be on there. Probably. I haven’t listened to it. I’m not a masochist. I think. Well, this is the third Paris Hilton film I’ve watched. Because I thought watching all the worst films in the world would be fun.

To be honest, I was trying to avoid concentrating on The Hottie and the Nottie because I looked at the synopsis and was less than enthralled. Plus The Dark Knight was on TV at the same time I was watching, so I might be confused about what happened.

So it starts with the Joker robbing a bank and escaping in a school bus. The hero of our film Nate (Joel David Moore) is dumped by his girlfriend, who attempts to run him over. This is the escape pod scene from Star Wars. If you aren’t familiar with what I mean, this is a reference to a five second scene at the start of Star Wars that is actually the most pivotal moment in the whole of the original trilogy. R2D2 and C-3PO escape an Imperial attack in an escape pod but the gunners on the Star Destroyer choose not to blow it up as ‘there are no life signs on board’. Had they blown it up there would be no Luke, no Obi Wan, no Yoda and the Empire takes over the Galaxy. Obviously, Hottie and Nottie isn’t on that scale but if Nate’s ex-girlfriend had succeeded this film would have been a lot shorter.

This is a sign to Nate that he has to track down a girl called Christabel he once fancied when he was eight. Makes sense. Batman catches Scarecrow in a car park but also has to save some vigilantes in hockey pads.

Nate meets up with his old friend Arno, played by The Greg Wilson. Yes, The Greg Wilson! Star of, umm…and, err…The Greg Wilson (this is what he’s credited as). Arno it turns out has been stalking the girl Nate is after and has a record of her movements. Yet somehow he’s clearly supposed to be a fun, lovable character. The Joker then does a cool trick with a pencil.

Nate finds the girl he’s been after at the beach. In no time at all and without much prompting, Christabel (Paris Hilton) reveals she won’t date anyone until her hideous looking best friend June (Christine Lakin) is dating someone as well. Shakespeare could have written the script. If he’d been a bit simple.

Nate enacts pays someone to date June but it doesn’t go well. Christine Lakin is a very attractive woman but they’ve gone all out to make her as ugly as possible here. Moles on the face, bad skin, bad teeth, greasy hair, obscene body hair. It's basically zombie make-up.

Paris Joker is caught after a cool car chase across Gotham and Commissioner Gordon had faked his death all along!

Nate’s plan is complicated with the arrival of Johann, the former marine, Harvard graduate, dentist, sometimes model who can play guitar and has a singing voice like a tenor. He makes out he’s trying to help June by fixing her teeth and generally beautifying her with various treatments but it’s all a convoluted plan to get to Christabel. Two guys with the same goal but differing methods. Yeah, Shakespeare for simpletons. On a side note, I can’t look at the name Christabel without being reminded of the episode of Family Guy when the Griffins move to New York and Chris becomes an artist called, obviously enough, Christabel.

Joker Hilton escapes jail and sets an explosion killing Maggie Gyllenhall and transforming Harvey Dent into Two-Face.

The whole story is basically about seeing someone’s inner beauty, as Nate comes to realise he loves June and not Christabel. A message slightly undermined by the fact Nate only realises his attraction when June becomes more attractive. Shallow Hal done it better. And when you’re getting beaten out by Jack Black, you are in big trouble.

Paris Joker Hilton blows up a hospital and then tries to get people on boats to blow each other up.

Despite being the big star of the film, Paris Hilton’s character actually spends a lot of time on the side-lines. Her chief role being stand around, look attractive which is just about within her range of capabilities. It’s when she opens her mouth it all goes wrong. There is one scene where she has to act drunk but I’m pretty sure not much acting was required for that part. It's the vanity that annoys me though. The films she is in, the only objective seems to be for Paris Hilton to tell the world how beautiful she is and in a film supposedly based on inner beauty, there is a touch of irony to that.

The Hottie and the Nottie is not the film the world deserves but it’s not the film it needs either.

IMDB Bottom 100: Number 20 - Pledge This!

Number 20: Pledge This! (2006)

Trailer link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iyefc0vJwj4

I’ve been trying to think how to best tackle this review of the 2006 Paris Hilton film about a group of awkward outsiders who want to join a bitchy sorority and I think the best way to go about it is this:

THIS FILM IS HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE! HORRIBLE I TELL YOU! HORRIBLE IS TOO SMALL A WORD TO DO JUSTICE TO THIS CATASTROPHE OF A MOVIE.

RIGHT FROM ITS GAUDY OPENING CREDITS TO ITS STUPID FOODFIGHT ENDING, I WANTED TO SCOOP MY EYES OUT WITH A RUSTY SPOON.

PARIS HILTON, WHO REMINDS ME OF A GIRAFFE BY THE WAY, HAS NO BUSINESS BEING IN MOVIES. LUCKILY HER ‘CHARACTER’ IS JUST PARIS HILTON SO SHE DOESN’T EXACTLY HAVE TO STRETCH HERSELF. SHE SHOULD STICK TO WHAT SHE DOES BEST WHICH FROM WHAT I CAN TELL IS STANDING AROUND BEING RICH. HER CHARACTER, WHO IS CLEARLY THE VILLAIN, DOESN’T EVEN GET HER COME-UPPANCE AT THE END (SORRY, SPOILER BUT IF YOU CHOOSE TO WATCH THIS AFTER MY WARNINGS FRANKLY YOU DESERVE TO HAVE YOUR ‘ENTERTAINMENT’ RUINED). NO, SOMEHOW SHE EMERGES AS THE GODDAMN HERO FROM THIS ALL. IT'S OTHER PEOPLE MAKING HER BAD YOU SEE. SHITTY COP OUT ENDING BECAUSE WE CAN'T MAKE OUR STAR LOOK BAD CAN WE?

NATIONAL LAMPOON! NATIONAL LAMPOON WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? REMEMBER THE GRISWALDS? THEY WERE FUNNY. SOMETIMES. ANIMAL HOUSE! OK, IT MIGHT BE VIEWED AS SEXIST NOW BUT AT LEAST IT WAS ENTERTAINING WITH IT. IF NOT A STAMP OF QUALITY, NATIONAL LAMPOON USED TO AT LEAST MEAN PASSABILITY.

OH AND FHM’S ENDORSEMENT OF THIS! ISN’T THAT JUST THE CHERRY ON TOP OF THE CRAP FILLED CAKE. THEY’RE NOT A THING ANYMORE BUT THEY HELPED PRODUCE THIS SO GOOD RIDDANCE TO THEM.

In short, I didn’t like it.

IMDB Bottom 100: No's 66 & 65: Nine Lives and Brothers in Arms

Number 66: Nine Lives (2002)

Yeah, Paris Hilton. You know this is going to be a classy movie.

Hilton plays a rich, self-obsessed bimbo in this horror movie. She plays herself basically. She goes to a Scottish manor with a group of other equally obnoxious but British friends (there’s nine of them in total, hence the title). We get to see their boring conversations, with some awkward editing, all culminating in them saying their old latin school motto which they say means ‘To follow the exploits of our ancestors’ (it doesn’t, I checked). Whatever is going to kill them all can’t come soon enough.

It would seem there was an old 14^th century warrior called Murray who was former owner of the mansion and has now returned to reclaim his property after it had been seized by the English.

Now the problem you will immediately spot with this is that shots of the interior and exterior will tell you the house is nowhere near that old.

Luckily, we don’t have to put up with Miss Hilton for too long as she’s the first to be killed off around the 20 minute mark. Murray takes over the body of one of the group and starts to kill the group off. However, if the body Murray is currently in is killed he transfers to the body of his killer so he can carry on. To be fair, it’s a pretty decent plot device and a good twist on the unstoppable monster theme. So the survivors have to figure out a way to stop the ghost without killing it.

One of them does survive to the end, the Scottish one. He suggests it’s only because he’s Scottish he was spared and Murray just wanted to kill the English ones and Paris Hilton (well, why not?). There is no evidence to support this though other than the Scots undying hatred for the English. And Paris Hilton.

The film is probably guilty by association and the cast is pretty obnoxious and unlikable but I did like the idea they were put in a situation where they couldn’t kill the enemy without becoming the monster themselves. Apart from that, it’s pretty standard horror but none of the kills are particularly creative which is what these kind of movies really thrive on.

It’s ok. Better than most the Friday the 13^th movies anyway.

Number 65: Brothers in Arms (2005)

It’s different, that’s one thing you can say for Brothers in Arms. It is positively Tarantino-esque in its disregard for historical accuracy.

It’s set in the Old West and is centred round a gang planning a bank heist. They are most notable for being an almost all black gang (plus one Mexican and technically one of them is supposed to be half-native American), a rarity to see in a Western. You’d think race would play more into it but apart from one use of the n-word at the start, it doesn’t ever come up again. This is a far more multi-cultural community than you would expect in a western.

The gang itself is introduced in a Guy Ritchie style of cuts, explaining their skills and a bit about their backgrounds. So for example, there is Slim played by Jean Claude LaMarre (who is also writer and director) who is the smooth operator of the group able to talk his way out of any situation. The most notable member of the group for film and TV buffs is the Reverend, played by Raymond Cruz better known for his role as Tuco in Breaking Bad.

The clothing the gang wear can’t go unmentioned, the gang all clad out in frilly black leather and denim jeans. Mara, the only female member of the group, appears to be wearing Jennifer Garner’s Elektra outfit from Daredevil. This is very distracting and breaks all suspension of disbelief. The only person dressed appropriately to the period is the Reverend, which just makes it harder to swallow. Tarantino plays fast and loose with history but at least you can buy his characters as being from that period, the same cannot be said here.

So, to the story. As mentioned earlier, the gang are planning to rob a bank in a cliché cardboard cut-out Old West town. It always bothers me when I see those towns: you have the saloon, a few stores 

but where are the houses? Where do all these people live?

The town is controlled by Mr Driscoll, played by David Carradine (yeah, sorry, another Tarantino connection). He is essentially a Mr Potter character who owns everything in town. Unfortunately, there was no George Bailey in this town to stop him and it’s now been renamed Driscollville.

The gang’s plans get messed up when they kill Driscoll’s son and he hires a gang of bounty hunters to kill them. They hide out in the hills for a sequence that goes on far too long before returning to rob the bank. I appreciate the director is trying to flesh out their characters but it could have been done in half the time this takes.

They go to rob the bank but get trapped inside with hostages. This is where the movie just stops dead. We know they aren’t getting out of this so now we’re just killing time until the climax.

A female sheriff comes to try and get them to come out. We learn she had a prior relationship with Linc, the leader of the gang. Until that point, gender aside, she came across like every world weary sheriff that exists in every western. She abandons her duties and tries to help them escape but is gunned down by Driscoll for her efforts.

The gangs’ numbers slowly get whittled down until it’s just Linc and his brother Kansas (played by rapper Kurrupt which explains the hip hop soundtrack). Linc makes the ultimate sacrifice so his brother can escape through a back window (why they didn’t do that earlier?). With his last bit of strength, Linc shoots Driscoll between the eyes. This would have been more dramatic if they had any interaction beforehand but they never spoke a word to each other in the whole film. It’s a shame really, as for the few minutes Carradine was on screen he was hugely entertaining. As if he knew this was a stupid movie and he was just having fun with it.

I suppose as a Western based around a black character that pays no heed to historical accuracy, I’m going to have to mention Django Unchained. Now Brothers in Arms came out several years before Django so it’s not a knock-off but how does it compare? Not very well you’ll be shocked to hear. As noted before, Quentin Tarantino plays fast and loose with history but you can buy into his characters and the stories are very enjoyable. You just can’t say the same here: the story is nothing special, the characters look out of time and they just aren’t all that interesting anyway.

Apart from Tuco, he’s always badass.