IMDB Bottom 100: Number 9 - Yes Sir!

Number 9: Yes, Sir (2007)

Who wants to watch Police Academy?

But set in the army?

And in Turkish?

You’re in luck, because that’s basically what we are offered here.

Full title Emret Komutanim: Sah Mat, I don’t entirely understand the premise. In Police Academy there was a lowering of the standards that let the likes of Mahoney and Tackleberry join the police force, these guys seem to have literally been taken from a mental hospital. Not many of them particularly stand out though, there was one guy with a love of guns and one who liked to dance around but that’s it. Oh, and one of them enters a Turkish Oil Wrestling event (not as sexy as it sounds). But that’s it really.

From what I could gather, the new recruits were organised by a criminal (a Dr Evil type character with sexy female guards) whom I think wanted revenge on the commander of the base for shooting his balls off. I didn’t have any subtitles when I watched so I could be wrong but I’m pretty sure that’s what it was, he literally had his testicles shot off.

Though there aren’t any elaborate set-pieces, it’s clearly supposed to be played for laughs. Which makes it strange when there’s a tonal shift, such as when a soldier is reading a letter from home. It is difficult to do comedy and then insert real drama. It is well beyond the capabilities of this film-maker. It doesn’t lead to anything anyway, so why even bring it up?

There is one what could have been really cool scene near the end when the soldiers are trapped in two cages which need to be opened at the same time or they will blow up. It’s a great set-up but the limitations of the budget really show when the Commander is going to shoot both locks. I could imagine a Hollywood film would have really ramped up the tension: close-up shots of the commander, sweat pouring from his brow, the timer ticking down towards zero. Here? He just shoots them.

Even though I couldn’t really understand what was being said, I doubt subtitles or even speaking Turkish would have greatly improved my enjoyment of Yes, Sir. I was wrong to say this is like Police Academy.

This is more like Police Academy 6.

IMDB Bottom 100: Number 10 - Turks in Space

Number 10: Turks In Space (2006)

(This is actually a trailer for the first Turkish Star Wars but screw it)

We’re in the real shit now. I have watched 90 cruddy films now, ten to go. The 10 worst films (as listed by IMDB on 31/08/2015) ever. And it’s a whopper.

Turks In Space, otherwise known as Turkish Star Wars. Or in Turkish Dünyayi Kurtaran Adam'in Oglu, which translates as ‘Son of the Man who Saved the World’. This is actually a sequel to 1982 film Dünyayi Kurtaran Adam, ‘The Man who Saved the World’, a cult classic in Turkish cinema. Got all that? Good.

It’s worth bringing up, Turkey has a bit of a reputation in the cult cinema world. Basically, they take existing popular franchises and put their own spin on them. There are Turkish versions of Batman, Superman and Spider-Man, none of which have any relation to the original source material. Batman for example, is a homicidal, sexual deviant.

Turks In Space is a take on Star Wars, though crossed with Star Trek. More specifically, Star Trek III: The Search for Spock, as they go off looking for a guy all logic would tell you is dead, very dead. The Captain has been searching for his friend for 8 years without success with his rag-tag crew. There’s his incompetent first officer; an android; an old woman who washes the floors; an old man who has apparently slept the last 8 years; a small child; a sexy woman who doesn’t seem to have a specific job and only seems to be there because she has a crush on the Captain; a computer that makes me wonder if I can cram in a Blake’s 7 reference; a black guy. Your standard Sci-Fi crew.

It starts with a montage of great moments in Turkish history, such as the rise of the Ottoman Empire, Attaturk, Galatasary winning the UEFA Cup before they finally get a Turk into space. Can you imagine that? A Turk. In Space!

There’s a warlord, who I guess is our Darth Vader of the piece but nowhere near as badass. I don’t think he actually has a plan of his own but we just accept he does because he looks like a villain. There’s a lot of guff about twins separated at birth and arranged weddings, some not so subtle satire about American foreign policy. None of it very coherent.

It should be said, it is played a lot for laughs with silly set-pieces. There is a Death Star of sorts and we do get a lightsabre battle at the end. I quite enjoyed the impromptu love story, mainly because they done a 3 minute flashback sequence that made me realise the two characters had literally only spent 3 minutes of screen-time together.

And some amazing special effects on display here, like they had been made on an Amiga 600 in the early 90’s. Industrial Light and Magic have little to fear.

Turks In Space or Turkish Star Wars could in no way be described as a ‘good’ movie but it is certainly an enjoyable one. It actually broke my rule: bad films can be so bad they’re good but bad comedies are always just bad. Turks In Space is not exactly funny but it is fun and doesn’t take itself too seriously in any way.

So even if just out of curiosity, I recommend giving it a go.