Number 7: Foodfight (2012)
The bad movie that was 10 years in the making.
Which is quite impressive really. Most films are bad because
they’re rushed through with little thought behind them. They had a decade to
mull over this one and still got it spectacularly wrong.
Made for a budget of $65 million, the first question that
strikes you is: where did all the money go? I can tell you where it didn’t go:
the animation. It’s not the worst I’ve ever seen to be fair (maybe one day I’ll
get to those) but it’s very crude and basic. Not $65 million worth. To put this
budget in some sort of perspective, the first Toy Story cost $30 million and Shrek
cost $60 million. And both of those films look a thousand times better.
Maybe the cast were a big expense? Well there are some
biggish names attached: Charlie Sheen, Eva Longoria, both Hilary and Haylie
Duff (I guess they were still relevant when voices were recorded) and
Christopher Lloyd. Oh, Chris. I expected this from Charlie but you? You should
know better. Still, you were the best thing in 1000 Ways to Die in the West.
Foodfight is written
and directed by Lawrence Kasanoff, who brought us such treats as Mortal Kombat: Annihilation and erm, Foodfight! Actually I’m being unfair, as
a producer he’s done some good stuff. As a writer and director, not so much.
Thematically, this comes at an interesting time as at time of
writing, Seth Rogan comedy Sausage Party
is currently in cinemas. They are similar in that they revolve around
supermarket items coming to life at night when the store is closed, though Sausage Party is about the food itself
while Foodfight! is about the
colourful mascots you see on the front of the boxes. They also differ in that Sausage Party is intended for adults
while Foodfight! isn’t really
suitable for anyone to watch. And by all accounts, Sausage Party is rather good.
I’m starting to worry about the amount of times ‘Sausage Party’ is appearing on this
page.
Foodfight! does have its
‘one for the dad’s’ moments (you know, the adult moments they put in kids films
they aren’t supposed to get). One that stands out is having Eva Longoria’s
characters crotch area dominate the screen but through trick of perspective,
make it look like giant insect bugs are flying from her vagina. Is this a
commentary on man’s fear of female sexuality, so her vagina is presented as
both desirable and to be feared? Nah, they just thought it looked funny.
The plot, such that it is, centres on our main character Dex
Dogtective (Charlie Sheen). The film can’t quite make its mind up about Dex, he
looks like a canine Indiana Jones but alternates between this and a mix of
Humphrey Bogart characters Sam Spade and Rick Blaine. Please, pick one and
stick with it. The store all the characters live in turns into a city the
moment the store closes but needs to be back in place by the time the sun
rises. If the store owner ever watched his CCTV he would be freaked out.
Dex’s girlfriend Sunshine disappears about the same time new
mysterious product Brand X hits the shelves. Which brings us to Christopher
Lloyd’s character who brings Brand X into the store and his character is
something else. The way he talks, overprooonooounciaaaating all his words, the
amazing unnatural movements. I like to think they motion captured Christopher
Lloyd for this, the image of it would be incredible. It would explain where the
budget went, that stuffs expensive.
The mascot for Brand X is Lady X (Eva Longoria), the sexy
femme fatale wannabe Fuhrer. Yes, as Brand X takes over the store Nazi-style,
she even has her own Nuremberg Rally. She wants to kill off all the other
mascots and have their products ‘recalled’. Mascots can be killed
conventionally but being recalled seems to be considered worse though both seem
to be effectively the same.
Dex leads the resistance against Lady X, assisted by his best
friend squirrel Daredevil Dan. Dan is Donkey to Dex’s Shrek but a lot more annoying. And they really ram
home he’s the black character early on with lots of reference to him being ‘chocolate’.
You know, squirrels, chocolate, that whole connection. But then Dex’s girlfriend
is a weird cat lady that somehow promotes raisins, so why question it?
Dex leads the resistance against the naXi’s (see what I did
there) that culminates in a, you guessed it: FOODFIGHT!!! Actually there are
some amusing ideas here, seeing real life weapons reduced to foodstuff like the
ketchup water cannons and cherry pie bombs.
So eventually good guys win after a patience breaking 90
minutes, Dex gets his girl back and everyone dances for far, far too long.
Seriously, we don’t need to see what happened to every single character, especially
when only 4-5 have more than 1 minute of screen time.
And if you’re hoping to see icons like Count Chocula and
Captain Crunch, you’ll be very disappointed. Not many big brands wanted to attach
themselves to this so you get a lot of rip-offs instead. Vlad Chocool anyone?
I can’t help thinking this was a Producer’s style set-up,
this was meant to fail. They had the worst script, the worst animators, the
worst story, worst directors, worst actors (well, some).
Though unlike The Producers, this time it did all go
wrong/right (RIP Gene Wilder).
Now let's all go see Sausage Party.
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