Wrestler Movies: Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe

Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe

James Janos, aka Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura, has had an incredibly interesting life.

He served in the US Navy during the Vietnam conflict and became a Navy SEAL. After leaving the military, he became a bodybuilder and served as a bodyguard for The Rolling Stones. He then transitioned into the world of professional wrestling, where he became known for his flamboyant style and cheating antics. Injuries curtailed his career but he soon took on a position in the commentary booth where he became arguably the greatest colour commentator in wrestling history.

He left the WWF in 1990 following a dispute with owner Vince McMahon regarding royalties and entered the world of politics. In 1999, running as a candidate for the Reform Party, he defeated his Democrat and Republican opponents to become Governor of Minnesota. He only served one term but has stayed politically active. He has not entirely ruled out the idea of one day running for President (Hey, if Trump can do it).

Ventura has also stayed involved in television, running several series based around conspiracy theories.

You can also add ‘movie star’ to his resume. His best known roles were opposite fellow future State Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger in The Running Man and every mans’ favourite movie Predator as ‘Sexual Tyrannosaur’ Blain Cooper, who we all know ‘ain’t got time to bleed.’

Unfortunately, this blog is dedicated to the films he’d like to forget, like Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe.

Written, directed and produced by Damian Lee, this is not my first brush with his work. Early Jim Carrey film Copper Mountain also came from his pen and I endured it for my IMDB Bottom 100 series (http://badmoviehq.blogspot.co.uk/2015/10/imdb-bottom-100-nos-58-57-copper.html).  So I know not to expect much good from this.

In all honesty, I’m not sure what Abraxas is. It looks like a Sci-Fi action film but other times it feels like it’s a parody of the genre.

Ventura plays title character Abraxas, who has tracked criminal Secundus to Earth. They used to be partners until Secundus turned heel on Abraxas, in pursuit of eternal power through mcguffin ‘the anti-life equation’. They both have ‘plasteel vaulting’ on their bodies so they are basically Terminators. Apparently Secundus plan means he needs impregnate a woman. He finds a young woman Sonia and puts his child in her. Sonia gives birth minutes later as Abraxas chooses to spare her life despite her mothering this incredibly dangerous being. From what I gather, the child could potentially eliminate all life on Earth.

Skip forward five years and Sonia is struggling with life as a single parent to mute child Tommy. One problem is him being bullied in school. She speaks to the Principal who is none other than Jim Belushi. And I’m sure his participation had nothing to do with being married to actress Marjorie Bransfield (Sonia).

Not that Tommy needs protection of course. He can make bullies wet their pants and send them flying with his mind. So the film is basically The Terminator meets The Omen.

The Comb Eater

Secundus had been imprisoned the previous five years but had now escaped and was looking for his son, he calls the ‘Comater’ but all I hear is ‘comb eater’. What does he have against combs? Remember in The Terminator when Arnie went through the phone book finding all the Sarah Connor’s? Secundus takes a more obtuse method and seeks out every woman hoping to find the right one. Even though he does know Sonia’s name. How does he know who and where she is? Yes.

But this brings back Abraxas and he fights to protect Sonia and Tommy, against the orders of his higher ups who think he should kill the boy. Romance is hinted between Abraxas and Sonia but can a machine learn to love (He’s not actually a machine but the lack of emotion means he might as well be)? And Abraxas’ organisation forbids romance. He shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children. Wear no crowns and win no glory. Live and die at his post…sorry, got a little carried away there.

Abraxas is aided by his Answer Box, a smart-alec know it all wristwatch. How about that? Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe predicted the iWatch and Siri 20+ years early.

Secundus is defeated as The Terminators duel it out in truly epic fashion and the Comb Eater (such a bad habit) is safe. Abraxas chooses to stay on Earth with Sonia. There looks to be a noticeable age gap between the two on screen. Even though Ventura was 40 when the film was made and Bransfield likely in her mid-to-late twenties, he looks about 60 and she looks about 19.

Lets talk Arnie now because Schwarzenegger’s fingerprints are all over this. First there is the plot of the seemingly indestructible machine looking for the girl who has her own protector trying to keep her safe. Then look at the cast. Ventura we already know about but Jim Belushi also appeared with Arnie in Red Heat. Which Marjorie Bransfield also had a small role in. Sven-Ole Thorsen (Secundus) has appeared in 13 different Schwarzenegger movies.

I don’t know if you are supposed to take Abraxas seriously or not and though its certainly not good, it can easily be described as fun.

Wrestler Movies: No Holds Barred (1989)

No Holds Barred (1989)

My newest series: wrestler movies.

That is, movies with wrestlers in them. And not just little cameo appearances like The Big Show in Jingle all the Way. I’m talking about films with wrestlers in lead roles.

It sort of makes sense doesn’t it? Wrestlers are already actors in a way, playing a character on TV every week. Just generally, they aren’t very good actors.

As I review the films, I may use insider wrestler terms to describe events. Mainly because I think it would be more fun to view the films in a wrestling context. You may already know these but it never does well to assume so likely phrases that will pop up:

‘face’ or ‘babyface’ – the good guy

‘heel’ – the bad guy

‘-turn’ – when a good guy becomes a bad guy or visa versa

‘kayfabe’ – the wrestler’s code. They do not admit to being the f word.

‘marks’ – the fans

‘smarks’ – the fans who think they have insider knowledge

‘sell/selling’ – a wrestler putting over how much pain a move is hurting them. Variations are ‘no sell’ (not reacting at all) and ‘over-sell’ (going way over the top with it)

‘heat’ – cheers for a good guy or boos for a bad guy means they are over with the crowd. The worst thing for a wrestler is no reaction as it means the fans don’t care about them

Where better to start a review of wrestler movies than with perhaps the most well-known wrestler of all, Terry Bollea aka Hulk Hogan.

It’s 1988, wrestling has become a big business and no one is bigger than Hulk Hogan. Hulkamania is running wild. Some bright spark at the WWF has the idea, ‘Let’s cash in on this and make a movie.’ Released in July 1989, is No Holds Barred, produced by WWF films. This was not Hogan’s first foray into the world of movies, he had already made a memorable appearance in Rocky III as ‘Thunderlips’ and had made appearances on TV in The Love Boat and The A-Team. The script itself was written by Hogan himself with WWF owner Vince McMahon Jr. They hated the original script so much they locked themselves in a hotel room for 72 hours to re-write it. And that was all.

Hogan plays a character called Rip, a professional wrestler whom to all intents and purposes is just Hulk Hogan. He is the World Wrestling Federation champion after all. Weird that they would keep the WWF name but change the character to Rip. He is the most watched thing on TV.

This annoys the head of a rival network Brell (played by Kurt Fuller, best known for his appearances in Wayne’s World and Ghostbusters II). He wants Rip on his network and invites him to his office to sign a contract with him. Pretty sure his contract is with WWF not the TV network, strange that the WWF doesn’t know how their own industry works. Rip says he’s not interested. I disagree, he got in the network limo and went all the way to Brell’s office to meet with him, that sounds like an interested man to me. Brell calls Rip a ‘jock-ass’ and sends some goons after him in the limo.

The limo driver takes Rip to a parking lot where the goons attack. Rip makes short work of them. Many action hero stars would have gone for witty one liners in here but all Hogan needs are visceral grunts. He grabs the limo driver for perhaps the film’s most memorable line:

Rip: What’s that smell?

Limo Driver: Do…do…dookie!

That guy must have had it bad because all the back of his jacket is damp.

Rip is then off to an agency meeting where he meets his new PA Samantha (Joan Severance, best known for See No Evil, Hear No Evil and er, No Holds Barred). Samantha is going through marketing strategies for Rip but he thinks they should focus on his work for charidee. Because Rip and by extension Hogan himself is all about charidee. This gets him an impromptu invite to dinner from Samantha.

The date is in a swanky restaurant where both Samantha and the snooty waiter think Rip is out of place. Turns out Rip is friends with the head chef and is a regular customer. Take that snobby bitches!

Brell meanwhile visits a dirty dinge bar where he thinks he has the answer to his ratings problem. As a mirror to the previous scene, Brell and his two equally well-suited henchman Ordway and Unger look like fish out of water. The patrons of this bar are tobacco spitting, gap-toothed drunkards. There is a dwarf sitting in a cage flicking peanuts. There is an internet rumour the dwarf is Tyrion Lannister himself, Peter Dinklage but its not. No Holds Barred was filmed in Georgia and Dinklage was still studying in New Jersey at the time.

Amongst all this chaos of spitting, vomiting and tattooing going on, Brell’s eye is drawn to two hicks fighting in a make-shift arena. Brell is sadistic enough to like what he is seeing and wants to put this on the air, because that’s what people want to see isn’t it? Two drunken hicks fighting. Yeah, right. Oh. https://www.amazon.com/Bum-Fights-bum-Vol-Dvd/dp/B004I9HXXQ

The imaginative title for this slugfest is ‘Battle of The Tough Guys’. I thought Vince McMahon wrote this? I thought he was supposed to be a promoter. Enter Zeus, played by Tom ‘Tiny’ Lister (Friday, that prisoner in The Dark Knight who throws the detonator out of the boat), a 7ft cross-eyed monster missing half of one eye-brow. He gets immediate heat by beating up a small waitress. He destroys all his opponents with ease, no-selling all their punches, to become the what, ‘Ultimate Tough Guy’ I guess.

Rip is watching at home and recognises Zeus, apparently his coach had also trained him until he killed someone but Rip and Zeus’s shared history is not delved into any further.

Rip and Samantha go off somewhere to do I’m not exactly sure but Rip stops the robbery of a diner by throwing food at a gunman along the way. They check into a hotel but oh no, there’s only one bed. Mild amusement follows. Rip breaks the bed but Samantha thinks it was all a trick. Rip doesn’t want to stay with such a cold fish so goes to sleep in the lobby.

Good move as she had been working heel all along and was in the employ of Brell to seduce him. But she thinks he’s a good guy now and Brell goes full-heel and whacks her full across the face. It was the eighties. She makes a face-turn when she confesses everything to Rip and they are now all in love.

Zeus makes a public challenge to Rip at one of his charidee events but he says he’s not interested. Brell has other tricks though. One is to send a goon after Samantha and though I can’t say for certain that is what would have happened but it looks like he attempts to rape her before Rip makes the save on his motorcycle. He knocks the goon down and runs him into a tree, laughing maniacally the whole time.

Then Rip’s brother Randy (Mark Pellegrino, Lost, Supernatural) goes to watch one of Zeus’s fights. He’s caught by Brell and Zeus duffs him up. It doesn’t look like Zeus does that much to him but its enough to put him in hospital. Which means Hogan has to try his hand at dramatic acting, its painful to watch but it is motivation enough for Rip to accept Zeus and Brell’s challenge to a no holds barred fight.

Crap montage of Zeus training and Rip helping his brother back to fitness later and fight day has arrived. In a really small venue (300 at most) for the most anticipated fight ever. But Brell wants to ensure victory for his man by having Samantha kidnapped and tells Rip to take a dive in the tenth minute of the fight. But its okay, Samantha gets out by…walking out the door. Worst. Guards. Ever.

In the ring, Rip and Zeus have been battering the tar out of each other but Zeus is getting the better of it. He even tries to kill Rip with the ring post. Zeus had been brutal in his previous fights but this was the first time he was homicidal. Maybe if we had been given the back story, we might know why Zeus hates Rip so much.

Rip makes his comeback however and takes the fight out into the crowd. Brell goes crazy when it looks like Zeus could lose and starts ripping out electrical cables to cut the television feed. Rip and Zeus continue to brawl until Rip knocks Zeus off a balcony and through the ring. He turns his attention to Brell, who backs into a broken monitor and is electrocuted. Rip leaves to rapturous applause. Erm, a man has just been electrocuted? He could be dead, you know. Not going to do anything about that? Ok then.

The end. Or not, as its’ after the film was released things take a turn for the weird. To boost profits for the struggling film, Zeus became involved in WWF programming and had a feud with Hogan. The motivation being he was upset at losing to Hogan in the movie but can beat him in real-life. In wrestling. Which is fake. Brell is even involved. So, Tom Lister plays a character in ‘real life’ wrestling upset at losing in a fake movie. It’s meta.

It all culminated when the film came to pay-per-view and WWF packaged it alongside a steel-cage match with Hogan and Brutus ‘the Barber’ Beefcake against Zeus and ‘Macho King’ Randy Savage.

On a critical level, No Holds Barred is awful. Hogan (grunts aside) is in his element during fight scenes but whenever he needs to do any proper acting he struggles badly. It turned a small profit at the box office but nowhere near what was hoped for. It would be 14 years before WWF ventured into making movies again.

But the sheer ridiculousness of it all (Brell is off the charts insane) makes it hard not to enjoy it just a little bit.

Also look out for Jesse Ventura, 'Mean' Gene Okerland, Bill Eady and Stan Hansen.

You Don't Want Original Movies

One of the most common gripes you’ll hear from people today about modern cinema is ‘Sequels, sequels, sequels! Where are the original films?’

I believe I have an answer: you don’t get them because people don’t want them.

First to clarify, I’m talking about big blockbuster films. There are obviously original films out there but what I’m talking about are the next Jurassic Park and Indiana Jones to take the world by storm. Gravity for example is a fine film but not likely to make an impact on pop-culture any time soon.

Now consider the case of Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets. Though not great, it received generally decent reviews. But the problem it always had was that it was based on a cult comic series not many people have heard of. Made on an estimated budget of $178m (and you can generally always add a marketing budget of $50m on top of these things), it was marketed aggressively and the hope was this would be the next big franchise. But it flopped. Badly. It made just $17m on its opening weekend in the US and made just $115m worldwide. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2239822/business?ref_=tt_dt_bus

Compare it to Suicide Squad. Panned by just about everyone, you don’t need me to tell you how bad it is. Though it may be a critical failure, Suicide Squad is a commercial success raking in $750m on a $175m budget. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1386697/business?ref_=tt_dt_bus

All future Valerian projects have been cancelled and Suicide Squad 2 is in production.

Why did Suicide Squad succeed where Valerian and many others have failed? Established audience base.

Superhero franchises are big right now in films and on TV. Riding the crest of the wave of the Marvel movies, DC Comics are able to make their own pitch for that audience who don’t particularly care whether it is Marvel or DC. Suicide Squad may be a relatively obscure title to many but it has connections to the established Justice League universe, already well known to comic fans and being established cinematically. Similar to Guardians of the Galaxy and The Avengers, only GotG was good. Add a villain like The Joker, one of the most well-known villains in all pop-culture, and you have a commercial hit regardless of how good or bad it may be.

Film studios are not in the business for the art, they are looking to make money. That’s not to say they won’t make artistic films but since they generally aren’t especially profitable they need money to fund them. For that they need to make the big blockbusters. Expensive to make but potentially far more profitable. And while that is the case, you can expect to see a lot more Transformers and Pirates of the Caribbean films. In the future, you’ll get Fast & Furious 27: Mobility Scooters of the Furious. Because these films are proven franchises with a loyal fan base who will lap up each instalment.

It will also mean studios are more cautious about trying to make any new franchises. Even the powerhouse that is Disney couldn’t make John Carter of Mars a success so have switched focus to a dozen new Star Wars films and live action versions of their well-loved animated movies. Because they are low-risk and almost guaranteed to be profitable.

This is what you like.

There will be no change to this any time soon. Studio’s react to what people like to see and what they like to see are sequels and familiar remakes. If you are waiting for the next Star Wars, you probably already skipped over it to see the next X-Men movie.

IMDB Bottom 100: Number 1 - Jurassic Shark

Number 1: Jurassic Shark (2012)

Here it is. The last one.

On August 31^st 2015, this is the film IMDB had listed as the worst ever made. And it really deserves it, I hope you’re proud Canada.

As the title suggests, this is about a shark from prehistoric times. Sharks get a bad reputation in popular culture and since by quirk of fate at time of writing Discovery Channel are having their annual Shark Week, here’s an interesting fact about sharks to even the balance:

Sharks have existed for 400 million years, pre-dating humans by a mere 398 million years.

The film starts with a scrawl of facts about the Megalodon. The largest shark to have ever existed, the film says they were 16 metres in length but scientists have estimated they could have been up to 30m. This will be a problem later on.

A scientist is drilling for oil in a lake but Dr. Science-Lady warns him they are drilling too deep. Or I think she does, hard to tell with all the echoes in the stairwell. But Dr Misogyny mocks her warnings until a sudden earthquake rocks the building. Well, the camera shakes while they fall over. This all results in an explosion.

Shark fact #2: there are at least 500 different species of sharks in the world’s oceans today.

Two girls in bikini’s who have been sunbathing by the lake (might be a river, not sure) see the explosion but figure it’s nothing and go out for a splash in the water. And this is where, five minutes in, any hope this film might have had is ended. Bikini girl one goes several metres out into the water and it barely reaches her knees. A Megalodon is the largest shark to ever live and this water is too damn shallow. Never mind Megalodon was an ocean dweller and this is freshwater, any suspension of disbelief is gone right there.

After the world’s longest splash fight (really not as sexy as it sounds), it comes as a blessed relief when the two girls are dragged underneath the water.

Shark fact #3: 5-10 people are killed by sharks each year. 100 million sharks are killed by people.

Movie starts proper when a gang of thieves who have stolen a painting from an art gallery make their escape across the lake. They brag about how the police will never catch them now. Sure, they might have caught you in your high-speed van but no way they could ever catch you as you slowly get away in your little row boat. The inevitable happens, the boat is capsized, one of them is eaten. They get to shore but Evil Boss Lady orders one of the henchmen to go back out and retrieve the painting. Henchman 1 is inevitably eaten but maybe standing waiting for it to sneak up on you wasn’t the best idea. It also brings us our first look at the shark and it is exactly the low-budget cgi shit-fest you are expecting it to be.

Incidentally, the painting they stole is John Copley’s Watson and the Shark. A 1778 oil painting, it is believed to be the first artistic depiction of a shark attack. Yeah, went all high-brow on your asses, weren’t expecting that were you?

A second group arrives, a group of teenagers (well, obviously. It wouldn’t be a shark movie if there wasn’t teenagers getting killed) arrive at the lake too. Something about a journalism degree and exposing the oil company. They go out on the lake, the inevitable happens, the boat is capsized, one of them is eaten.

Shark Fact #4: More people are killed by falling coconuts than sharks every year.

The criminal gang wants to use the teens to get their painting back. Their plan is send them wading out into the water to grab the painting, where they are of course eaten by the shark. This goes on for about forty minutes, even getting the old scientist guy from the beginning involved (after some not so subtle product placement for Hogsback brewery).

In the end, it comes down to the last two girls and the Evil Boss Lady and the most amazing scene I’ve ever seen. Evil Boss Lady (who is clearly on land with land behind her) has her gun pointed at the girls. But sharks have an inate sense of justice, so from behind the two girls the shark leaps out of the water, goes over the girls, scoops up Evil Boss Lady leaving only her feet behind and goes back into the water all in one swift movement. I’m not a shark expert but I’m pretty sure sharks can’t leap and if they could they couldn’t do it in water that shallow and then change direction in mid-air. Mere words can’t do it justice, so I’ve drawn a diagram of what happened:

Shark Fact #5: Almost all sharks like to do their hunting solo.

The two remaining girls kill the shark Jaws style with dynamite in the mouth (though they call it ‘Hillbilly style’). A lot of posts online about the film ask where the dynamite came from but I believe I have the answer: earlier in the film the teens are running through the office building and there’s a shitty sign saying ‘WARNING! EXPLOSIVES! NO SMOKING!’ right above an equally hilarious photocopy of filing cabinets stuck to the wall.

The film ends with a sting of two guys fishing and another bit of product placement (do you think Hogsback could have been funding this movie? Oh yeah, there’s their logo. Right at the start of the credits.) They are eaten by a shark of course and ‘Fin’ flashes on screen. Because Fin is French for ‘end’ and sharks have fins you see? Hilarious. But doesn’t work if you are going to put a stinger right before it suggesting the possibility of sequels. Not that this film should have sequels of course.

Shark Fact #6: 30% of all species of sharks are close to extinction.

So, it’s a no budget piece of crap for which I blame two people: Steven Spielberg and JJ Abrams. Steven Spielberg for making Jurassic Park and Jaws. The obvious ‘inspirations’ for the film but nobody ever seems to get Jaws. It’s not about the shark, he’s minor, it’s the characters and their interactions that make it work.

Abrams I blame for a speech he made saying with all editing software available now ‘anyone can make a movie.’ Some took him literally and this is the result.

So, that’s it. I made it, 100 crappy movies. Did I like any of them? I appreciated the enthusiasm of many even if the result wasn’t that great. And though I may mock them, I respect that these guys and girls actually got out, made these films and got them released.

Is it the end? No, as long as people make movies there will be shitty ones. And I’ll find them. I hear there’s a Sharknado 5 coming out…

IMDB Bottom 100: Number 2 - Saving Christmas

Number 2: Saving Christmas (2014)

So, let’s talk about Kirk Cameron.

Cameron was a child actor who first shot to fame in the eighties playing Mike Weaver in US sitcom Growing Pains, for which he received two Golden Globe nominations and has worked steadily since. But no one cares about that. The thing they care about most is that he is a Christian.

Being apatheist myself, this is of no interest to me but seems to make a lot of people very angry. If you do a google search of Kirk Cameron, beyond the standard IMDB/Wikipedia profile pages, all the results centre around his Christian beliefs.

Which brings us to Saving Christmas. The poster has Kirk Cameron in action movie pose. A big sell for what is essentially a seventy-minute Bible studies lesson.

So, it starts with Cameron sitting in his living room, sipping his hot chocolate (reports of marshmallows unconfirmed), talking about how much he loves Christmas for four minutes and hates all the people who run it down as a commercialised, pagan festival. I’m getting Ed Wood flashbacks, imagining Kirk Cameron as Crisswell.

Film starts proper and Kirk is at a Christmas party. Snow falling all around him, children playing, having fun. It’s the season of love and understanding. Merry Christmas everyone!

And we have Kirk narrating the story. Great.

There is a problem though, Kirk’s brother in-law Christian. He (gasp!) doesn’t like Christmas. He leaves the party to sit in his car and mope. Christian (played by director Darren Doanne, who looks a bit like Bryan Cranston, ‘I am the one who prays’) tells Kirk it’s because he doesn’t see the Christianity in the season. It’s a celebration of materialism and paganism, Baby Jesus has been pushed into the corner (No one puts Baby Jesus in the corner!).

Kirk counters this by telling him about the Nativity and its significance for Christian’s. Which is all well and good and I’m sure would be reaffirming for a Christian but doesn’t actually address Heisenberg’s complaint about Jesus being pushed to the side.

Then Heisenberg moves on to the Christmas tree as a symbol of pagan worship. Kirk explains the tree (and Jesus) as a symbol of light for the world. He also links Adam eating the apple in the Garden of Eden to Jesus’s crucifixion, which may be a bit of a stretch but I’ll go with it. Kirk doesn’t disprove anything Walter White said, just puts his own interpretation on it. Which is all you need in this movie.

That brings us to Santa Claus, the big evil. Everything wrong with Christmas, the one all the kids are worshipping. If you rearrange the letters in Santa, you get Satan. But you know, ‘God’ spelt backwards is ‘Dog’. Or Santa is just the Spanish word for ‘Saint’.

Kirk counters by telling him the story of the real Saint Nick but apparently to do that it needs to be done ‘Lord of the Ringsy.’ Which apparently means lots of slow-motion and broody walking.

Saint Nikalaos of Myra was a key figure in the early years of the Church. Some accounts of him have him dropping gifts for the poor via their chimneys, probably the basis of the Santa mythos. Surprisingly, the film makes little mention of that focusing instead on the Nicaea Council in 325. Even in those early years there were splits in the Church and the Nicene Creed was the document that confirmed Jesus as God made man. Not everyone agreed, such as Arius of Alexandria. So what did Jolly Saint Nick do? He beat the shit out of him, that’s what. I don’t know if ‘believe what I do or I’ll thump you’ is really the message the film should go for but there you have it: Santa Claus, defender of the faith and professional ass-kicker.

Now what this has to do with Santa advertising Coca-Cola, I don’t know.

That’s enough for Walter who gives up the meth business and embraces the Christmas spirit. He charges back to the party, slides across the floor and joins the Christmas party. Kirk Cameron saved Christmas. Not that it was ever really in much danger in the film, I suspect the tile is supposed to be a broader message of preserving the seasons ‘true’ message.

So, that’s it…oh wait, it’s still going on. Of course, Walter still needs to make up with Skyler for being such a jerk. Kirk pauses the action to ask if he should make up with her by being give her a kiss but instead we get an impromptu dance number. The joke would have worked better without the break. On reflection, they should have just gone with the kiss because the dancing is stupid. They're good dancers and all, it’s just so out of nowhere it just feels weird. Still, if you ever wanted to see Kirk Cameron do the Worm, this movie is for you.

An upbeat number like that means the end of the film…what? This is still going on? You took that Lord of the Rings thing too literally. Four minutes sitting round a table eating dinner (by the way, this is supposed to be a party at Kirk’s sisters house and she’s cooked a full Christmas dinner for all her guests which looks like at least thirty people. No wonder she looks so exhausted in all her scenes) and Kirk narrates that all this commercialism is good and what God wants us to do. Hmm, maybe but I would be sceptical of anyone who says they know what an omniscient, omnipresent deity wants from us.

Now the film actually ends and we get a gag reel in the credits, including the director asking if water or celery is better for a dry mouth. Hilarious. Post-credit scene is two minor characters beat-boxing. Marvel, you need to up your game.

I don’t like to shit on anyone’s beliefs and I don’t doubt for a moment part of the reason for the films low rating is Kirk Cameron’s Christianity but as a film Saving Christmas doesn’t really work. Cameron makes a lot of points about the symbolism of Christmas that may strike chord with any Christians watching but in-film don’t address the questions being asked. Cameron may have his interpretation of the Christmas tree as being a symbol of Jesus but that doesn’t make his brother-in-law necessarily wrong for interpreting it as a symbol of pagan ritual. But I don’t want to get into that, enough blood has been spilt over the existence or non-existence of a God or Gods and I don’t want to add to it here.

On a technical level, it’s competent enough. No crazy jump-cuts or weird angles to complain about. And actually, some of the imagery is really quite good. Tonally it’s a bit weird though. Going from light and jovial to deep and serious back to a guy complaining they need to fight to keep ‘Crazy Shirts Friday.’ If I could describe this film in a word, it would be ‘weird.’ Which is not a word I was expecting to use. The opening credits have a ska version of 'Silent Night'. Ska has a high tempo, high energy beat. This is not that kind of film.

I don’t necessarily hate this film. I like that they do try to have an upbeat message about the season even if I don’t agree with all the points they make. I don’t think it’s as terrible as many make out but I’d say it’s misguided.

Talking Dicks at the Cinema

There I was watching Spider-man: Homecoming. It seemed a decent enough film but it was hard for me to fully concentrate on the film to give any proper opinions on it. The reason being I was getting live updates on the film from two rows behind.
And these guys didn't have the decency to even whisper, they were talking at normal volume. All the way through.

If you are a person who talks during a movie, you are a dick. That's not an opinion, that is a fact. Although just to clarify, I'm not talking about someone who might turn to their friend/partner to ask, 'Who's that guy?' That's a minor annoyance but its a couple seconds then its done. No, I mean the ones who talk all the way through. And not always about the film either. I really don't want to know what your dinner plans are.

I know it's cliche to complain about this but it is a real nuisance. I have a cousin who hates people bringing snacks into the cinema. As long as they aren't noisy with it I don't mind but I can see where he is coming from. It's a distraction that takes you away from the whole cinema experience and that is whats key.
Films work by suspension of disbelief and immersing you in their world. You can accept a man with superpowers given to him by a spider. An island where dinosaurs have been brought back to life, why not? One man taking down an army of terrorists without any shoes on, sure. Film plots can be quite ridiculous but you can forget all that during the films run-time because you are immersed in its world. You can't achieve that immersion however, when a voice behind you is talking about what time they need to be round at Michaela's.

The worst part being if you were to say something, they would act like you are the one with the problem. No, it's you. It's most definitely you.
Why even bother buying a ticket if you are just going to natter the whole way through? There are other far more suitable venues you could have gone to. Pubs, for instance, I am given to understand are very popular for socialising in. Cinema tickets cost money and you are ruining the experience for everyone in the theatre. If you had any decency, you would refund all of them the money they paid for their ticket.

So, basically, next time you are in a movie theatre and want to talk: zip it.

And don't get me started on mobile phones...

IMDB Bottom 100: Number 3 - Codename Koz

Number 3: Code Name KOZ (2015)

Propaganda movies. They have existed almost along as moving pictures have. Birth of a Nation, Triumph of the Will and Brexit: The Movie being notable examples.

Now it’s Turkey’s (who have been making a late stab at being the home of bad movies) turn to have a go at it. The main message being: President Erdoğan, what a guy.

Code Name Koz is a re-telling of the 2013 corruption scandal in Turkey. Basically, what happened was a number of government ministers were accused of bribery and money-laundering of Iranian gold in return for Iran’s gas and oil despite Iran being under international sanctions.

Except that isn’t what happened. Not if you’ve watched this movie. No, it was all a conspiracy by Erdoğan’s enemies backed by the evil United States. Needless to say, this film was funded by the Turkish government. Nobody really wanted to show the film but 850 cinemas in Turkey were forced to put the film on, pushing back the release dates of more legitimate films. Luckily, this doesn't mean people have to go to see it. And they didn't. Well done.

But, let’s be fair. Let’s imagine this isn’t just a cheap propaganda movie. Let’s imagine this as a film in its’ own right without the government angle. After all, this blog is about film and not politics. And…it still sucks balls.

In fairness, the production isn’t terrible even if the director is a little too keen on his jump cuts and split-screens. It’s just everything else.

If I hadn’t looked up the background of this movie, I would not have a clue what was going on. Even the subtitles didn’t help much with so many different characters flitting in and out all the time.

Apart from the acting, confusing plot and awful music, the worst thing about Code Name Koz is that it is deathly dull. More than once I found myself thinking ‘is this still going on?’, then I would look at the timer and realise it was not even half way through. They even manage to make a helicopter crash look boring, how do you do that?

I hope you are a fan of watching men sitting at tables talking because there is a lot of it. I would estimate a good 80% of the film is men talking at tables (with an occasional woman as well) with other events happening in between, such as the afore mentioned helicopter crash. But those were just to whet your appetite for more table sitting. One scene it looks like they are just sitting on chairs without a table setting off my OCD but luckily, its soon revealed there is a small coffee table in between the men. Crisis averted.

It presents itself as an action/political thriller but it’s not. It’s really not.

Back in the real world, following the scandal of government officials taking bribes, Erdoğan had 350 police and intelligence officers removed from their positions and changed a number of regulations relating to how financial crimes are investigated. Because that’s not suspicious. But as we all know the truth from this movie, it was all a plot from America to remove him from power as part of a 10 year plan to take control of the middle-east (which in fairness, isn’t that unbelievable).

Still, what a guy.

IMDB Bottom 100: Number 4 - Himmatwala

Number 4: Himmatwala (2013)

A moment please: this will be the last trip to Bollywood on this journey but please, no tears.

I don’t proclaim to be an expert on Bollywood cinema but there is something that draws you to it: colour! Hollywood is awash with grey, brown and moody blue tints but over in India they have bright greens, pinks and yellows. There are some who think Bollywood should be darker and more gritty, I disagree. It’s reassuring to know in these bleak times that there is still somewhere in the world where brightness still prevails and it’s what gives Bollywood its’ identity. Never change.

That said, it doesn’t stop Bollywood from churning out its fair share of shit. And Himmatwala is shit. An ‘Entertainer’ from director Sajid Khan, who brought us Hummshakals (see number 16), it’s a remake of a film from the 80’s and it’s reassuring to know Indian audiences are just as disdainful toward remakes as Western audiences. And from what I can gather, the original isn’t particularly well loved either.

It promises to ‘take us back to the eighties’ and that at least is true. The first scene is in a nightclub and you can tell it’s the 80’s because there’s a giant Rubik’s cube hanging from the ceiling. It’s 1983 to be exact, which makes the Ghostbuster’s (1984) logo and Top Gun (1986) poster a little pre-mature. There’s a female singer performing what I think might be an Indian-Disco version of The Cure’s Friday I’m in Love. Then it turns into fight club. I’m no expert but I’m sure this didn’t happen in 1980’s nightclubs in India. That’s all just to introduce us to superhero Ravi. Not literally a superhero but he may as well be he is so ridiculously tough.

The main story is in a village outside Mumbai, where Ravi “returns” (why the quotation marks? Wait and see) to see his mother and sister and to take revenge on the cruel landlord who controls the area and had framed his father for murder, Sher Singh. As a young boy Ravi had attempted to murder Singh but had been forced to flee for his life, now he puts the scares on him by beating up some of his goons.

Singh has a daughter, Rekha, who starts as a cruel, spoilt brat and after being humiliated by Ravi, tries to take revenge by releasing a tiger into the village (yes, really). But her plan goes wrong when it looks like the tiger might attack her but Ravi makes the save and wrestles the tiger (it’s as stupid as it sounds). The tiger wrestling is fun when you play the ‘real tiger/man in suit’ game. Ravi then befriends the tiger and sends it on its’ merry way. From this point, Rekha does a 180 and becomes the romantic interest in the film.

There is another sub-plot with Ravi’s sister Padma who wishes to marry Singh’s son-in-law, Shakti. This is all a ruse by Singh to get back at Ravi, as when they are married they treat Padma like dirt, beating her and making her sleep with the cattle. Ravi plots with Rekha to get back at him by having her pretend to be pregnant with his baby so she will have to marry him. India is a more liberal culture than some may think but very conservative in other ways, an unmarried mother for a daughter would bring great shame to Sher Singh. Ravi uses this fake pregnancy to blackmail Singh into giving up his power and returning the land to the villagers.

There is a twist though, because Ravi is not Ravi. The real Ravi died when he was run over by a car, the fake Ravi was a friend from the orphanage they grew up in and was fulfilling the last wish of his dead friend to look after his family. When Singh learns of this falsehood and the false pregnancy, he makes a last attempt to regain power bringing in a team of cage fighters to destroy him.

Lots of awkward wire-fighting later and they finally have Ravi on the ropes when the tiger from earlier makes the save! With his new found feline ally, Ravi finally conquers the meathead army and is about to kill Singh when his ‘mother’ begs him to spare his life. Singh is indebted to Ravi and begs his forgiveness.

Much of the above sounds quite serious stuff but that’s the problem, it’s not. 80% of the movie is played for laughs but the bizarre tonal shifts really jar. For example, there is a scene with Ravi’s sister Padma when she is in the back of a truck with a group of Sher Singh’s goons and it is implied they are about to gang-rape her until Ravi makes the save. The next scene is Singh and his brother-in-law having comedy japes with cartoon sound effects. And that happens ALL THE TIME. Make a choice, you are either a revenge thriller or a light-hearted comedy with characters breaking the fourth wall at random intervals. You can’t be both.

Ravi is ridiculously over the top, he’s not a man, he’s Thor. He can lift and swing a wagon with ease, knives have no effect on him, he can bust a steel lock with a swipe of his hand. His 'mother' is a little too quick to forgive his deception, though.

Rekha also changes a little too fast. She is a really horrible person at the start and , granted Ravi does save her life but to have changed so completely in an instant stretches credibility.

Then there’s Sher Singh’s brother-in-law, Narayan Das. He’s supposed to be comic relief which is probably why he’s in 75% of the movie. With a silly wig and fake moustache, he’s your typical bungling sort. I suppose he’s amusing in his way but he grates a bit seeing him in nearly every scene.

And an outtake reel over the end credits, don’t you just love those?

I know Bollywood has its tendency to melodrama but man, there are limits. I’m also worried director Sajid Khan has an s&m fetish. There is a LOT of whipping that takes place here.

So it’s bye-bye to Bollywood but I know you’re better than this.

IMDB Bottom 100: Number 5 - Birdemic 2

Number 5: Birdemic 2 – The Resurrection (2013)

So, despite all sense and logic, the first Birdemic movie was a cult hit. Enough so that a sequel was made.

To sum up the story so far: some birds attacked and then flew away, all due to global warming. That was easy, a whole film in 12 words.

The sequel is the same as the first movie but with the insanity turned up to eleven.

Now we have pre-historic birds to deal with, resurrected by the acid rain from the tar pits in LA. So, the heavy handed environmental message is still there, thank goodness.

There is also another point been made about the Hollywood studio system. These big studios don’t give directors creative control over their films you see, not like in the Indies where you can make any old pap. This is not something James Nguyen will ever have to worry about of course.

In terms of structure, it’s identical to the first film. It’s 45 minutes of nothing before the kamikaze birds strike.

The first part is about an award-winning director Bill and his struggles to make his movie while seducing a naïve young actress, Gloria. That’s not quite how its presented but it’s basically what happens. Rod and Nathalie are back! And their funding Bill’s movie.

In fact, all the old gang are back: the scientist guy who gives another lecture on global warming; Nathalie’s mum (who is actually producer Patsy van Ettinger, who has produced all of James Nguyen’s movies. So now you know who to blame); Damian Carter has some new material to serenade us with; Treehugger is back and now he’s a reality TV star.

Other highlights include:

• -          An attack by the worst looking CGI jellyfish you’ll ever see (which ironically is also the best CGI jellyfish you’ll have ever seen. How many others can you think of?)
• -          A great bit of continuity. Tony, one of the children from the first film, has now been adopted by Rod and Nathalie. To explain other child Susan’s absence, he says ‘she got a disease from that fish that Rod cooked.’ Apparently, he improved that. Bravo, young man, bravo.
• -          Everyone’s favourite modern trope: zombies. Acid rain brings the dead back to life apparently. On a side note, when people get buried isn’t it usually in their finery? Suits and fine dresses and such. These zombies are just wearing regular clothes.
• -          Faces been blurred because they didn’t clear their image rights
• -          Attacking birds with coat-hangers again. Rod is not content with this and feels he has to crescent kick them. Also, guns have unlimited ammo in this universe.

My absolute favourite moment though, is when they are being attacked by killer birds on the set of Cabot Cove (home of Jessica Fletcher of Murder, She Wrote. Yes, it is the real set but they only had an hour to film before it was opened to tourists). This is the moment one of the characters (he’s just bird fodder so he doesn’t need a name) feels it is important, no, absolutely vital, that he tells us ‘Jaws is my favourite movie.’ Ok. Thanks for sharing. I don’t know how they could ever have got out of their situation without that information.

I don’t know the connection either.

Sticking rigidly to structure of the first film, the killer birds fly away at the end. Because movie. Also, if you want to survive in this world, you've gotta wear green. Green, you see? The environment, save the planet, etc.

Only skimming the surface again, the film is hilarious in its ineptitude. Student film-makers would be embarrassed to have made this.

The best news though? Birdemic 3 is rumoured to be in production.