IMDB Bottom 100: Number 1 - Jurassic Shark

Number 1: Jurassic Shark (2012)

Here it is. The last one.

On August 31^st 2015, this is the film IMDB had listed as the worst ever made. And it really deserves it, I hope you’re proud Canada.

As the title suggests, this is about a shark from prehistoric times. Sharks get a bad reputation in popular culture and since by quirk of fate at time of writing Discovery Channel are having their annual Shark Week, here’s an interesting fact about sharks to even the balance:

Sharks have existed for 400 million years, pre-dating humans by a mere 398 million years.

The film starts with a scrawl of facts about the Megalodon. The largest shark to have ever existed, the film says they were 16 metres in length but scientists have estimated they could have been up to 30m. This will be a problem later on.

A scientist is drilling for oil in a lake but Dr. Science-Lady warns him they are drilling too deep. Or I think she does, hard to tell with all the echoes in the stairwell. But Dr Misogyny mocks her warnings until a sudden earthquake rocks the building. Well, the camera shakes while they fall over. This all results in an explosion.

Shark fact #2: there are at least 500 different species of sharks in the world’s oceans today.

Two girls in bikini’s who have been sunbathing by the lake (might be a river, not sure) see the explosion but figure it’s nothing and go out for a splash in the water. And this is where, five minutes in, any hope this film might have had is ended. Bikini girl one goes several metres out into the water and it barely reaches her knees. A Megalodon is the largest shark to ever live and this water is too damn shallow. Never mind Megalodon was an ocean dweller and this is freshwater, any suspension of disbelief is gone right there.

After the world’s longest splash fight (really not as sexy as it sounds), it comes as a blessed relief when the two girls are dragged underneath the water.

Shark fact #3: 5-10 people are killed by sharks each year. 100 million sharks are killed by people.

Movie starts proper when a gang of thieves who have stolen a painting from an art gallery make their escape across the lake. They brag about how the police will never catch them now. Sure, they might have caught you in your high-speed van but no way they could ever catch you as you slowly get away in your little row boat. The inevitable happens, the boat is capsized, one of them is eaten. They get to shore but Evil Boss Lady orders one of the henchmen to go back out and retrieve the painting. Henchman 1 is inevitably eaten but maybe standing waiting for it to sneak up on you wasn’t the best idea. It also brings us our first look at the shark and it is exactly the low-budget cgi shit-fest you are expecting it to be.

Incidentally, the painting they stole is John Copley’s Watson and the Shark. A 1778 oil painting, it is believed to be the first artistic depiction of a shark attack. Yeah, went all high-brow on your asses, weren’t expecting that were you?

A second group arrives, a group of teenagers (well, obviously. It wouldn’t be a shark movie if there wasn’t teenagers getting killed) arrive at the lake too. Something about a journalism degree and exposing the oil company. They go out on the lake, the inevitable happens, the boat is capsized, one of them is eaten.

Shark Fact #4: More people are killed by falling coconuts than sharks every year.

The criminal gang wants to use the teens to get their painting back. Their plan is send them wading out into the water to grab the painting, where they are of course eaten by the shark. This goes on for about forty minutes, even getting the old scientist guy from the beginning involved (after some not so subtle product placement for Hogsback brewery).

In the end, it comes down to the last two girls and the Evil Boss Lady and the most amazing scene I’ve ever seen. Evil Boss Lady (who is clearly on land with land behind her) has her gun pointed at the girls. But sharks have an inate sense of justice, so from behind the two girls the shark leaps out of the water, goes over the girls, scoops up Evil Boss Lady leaving only her feet behind and goes back into the water all in one swift movement. I’m not a shark expert but I’m pretty sure sharks can’t leap and if they could they couldn’t do it in water that shallow and then change direction in mid-air. Mere words can’t do it justice, so I’ve drawn a diagram of what happened:

Shark Fact #5: Almost all sharks like to do their hunting solo.

The two remaining girls kill the shark Jaws style with dynamite in the mouth (though they call it ‘Hillbilly style’). A lot of posts online about the film ask where the dynamite came from but I believe I have the answer: earlier in the film the teens are running through the office building and there’s a shitty sign saying ‘WARNING! EXPLOSIVES! NO SMOKING!’ right above an equally hilarious photocopy of filing cabinets stuck to the wall.

The film ends with a sting of two guys fishing and another bit of product placement (do you think Hogsback could have been funding this movie? Oh yeah, there’s their logo. Right at the start of the credits.) They are eaten by a shark of course and ‘Fin’ flashes on screen. Because Fin is French for ‘end’ and sharks have fins you see? Hilarious. But doesn’t work if you are going to put a stinger right before it suggesting the possibility of sequels. Not that this film should have sequels of course.

Shark Fact #6: 30% of all species of sharks are close to extinction.

So, it’s a no budget piece of crap for which I blame two people: Steven Spielberg and JJ Abrams. Steven Spielberg for making Jurassic Park and Jaws. The obvious ‘inspirations’ for the film but nobody ever seems to get Jaws. It’s not about the shark, he’s minor, it’s the characters and their interactions that make it work.

Abrams I blame for a speech he made saying with all editing software available now ‘anyone can make a movie.’ Some took him literally and this is the result.

So, that’s it. I made it, 100 crappy movies. Did I like any of them? I appreciated the enthusiasm of many even if the result wasn’t that great. And though I may mock them, I respect that these guys and girls actually got out, made these films and got them released.

Is it the end? No, as long as people make movies there will be shitty ones. And I’ll find them. I hear there’s a Sharknado 5 coming out…

IMDB Bottom 100: Number 2 - Saving Christmas

Number 2: Saving Christmas (2014)

So, let’s talk about Kirk Cameron.

Cameron was a child actor who first shot to fame in the eighties playing Mike Weaver in US sitcom Growing Pains, for which he received two Golden Globe nominations and has worked steadily since. But no one cares about that. The thing they care about most is that he is a Christian.

Being apatheist myself, this is of no interest to me but seems to make a lot of people very angry. If you do a google search of Kirk Cameron, beyond the standard IMDB/Wikipedia profile pages, all the results centre around his Christian beliefs.

Which brings us to Saving Christmas. The poster has Kirk Cameron in action movie pose. A big sell for what is essentially a seventy-minute Bible studies lesson.

So, it starts with Cameron sitting in his living room, sipping his hot chocolate (reports of marshmallows unconfirmed), talking about how much he loves Christmas for four minutes and hates all the people who run it down as a commercialised, pagan festival. I’m getting Ed Wood flashbacks, imagining Kirk Cameron as Crisswell.

Film starts proper and Kirk is at a Christmas party. Snow falling all around him, children playing, having fun. It’s the season of love and understanding. Merry Christmas everyone!

And we have Kirk narrating the story. Great.

There is a problem though, Kirk’s brother in-law Christian. He (gasp!) doesn’t like Christmas. He leaves the party to sit in his car and mope. Christian (played by director Darren Doanne, who looks a bit like Bryan Cranston, ‘I am the one who prays’) tells Kirk it’s because he doesn’t see the Christianity in the season. It’s a celebration of materialism and paganism, Baby Jesus has been pushed into the corner (No one puts Baby Jesus in the corner!).

Kirk counters this by telling him about the Nativity and its significance for Christian’s. Which is all well and good and I’m sure would be reaffirming for a Christian but doesn’t actually address Heisenberg’s complaint about Jesus being pushed to the side.

Then Heisenberg moves on to the Christmas tree as a symbol of pagan worship. Kirk explains the tree (and Jesus) as a symbol of light for the world. He also links Adam eating the apple in the Garden of Eden to Jesus’s crucifixion, which may be a bit of a stretch but I’ll go with it. Kirk doesn’t disprove anything Walter White said, just puts his own interpretation on it. Which is all you need in this movie.

That brings us to Santa Claus, the big evil. Everything wrong with Christmas, the one all the kids are worshipping. If you rearrange the letters in Santa, you get Satan. But you know, ‘God’ spelt backwards is ‘Dog’. Or Santa is just the Spanish word for ‘Saint’.

Kirk counters by telling him the story of the real Saint Nick but apparently to do that it needs to be done ‘Lord of the Ringsy.’ Which apparently means lots of slow-motion and broody walking.

Saint Nikalaos of Myra was a key figure in the early years of the Church. Some accounts of him have him dropping gifts for the poor via their chimneys, probably the basis of the Santa mythos. Surprisingly, the film makes little mention of that focusing instead on the Nicaea Council in 325. Even in those early years there were splits in the Church and the Nicene Creed was the document that confirmed Jesus as God made man. Not everyone agreed, such as Arius of Alexandria. So what did Jolly Saint Nick do? He beat the shit out of him, that’s what. I don’t know if ‘believe what I do or I’ll thump you’ is really the message the film should go for but there you have it: Santa Claus, defender of the faith and professional ass-kicker.

Now what this has to do with Santa advertising Coca-Cola, I don’t know.

That’s enough for Walter who gives up the meth business and embraces the Christmas spirit. He charges back to the party, slides across the floor and joins the Christmas party. Kirk Cameron saved Christmas. Not that it was ever really in much danger in the film, I suspect the tile is supposed to be a broader message of preserving the seasons ‘true’ message.

So, that’s it…oh wait, it’s still going on. Of course, Walter still needs to make up with Skyler for being such a jerk. Kirk pauses the action to ask if he should make up with her by being give her a kiss but instead we get an impromptu dance number. The joke would have worked better without the break. On reflection, they should have just gone with the kiss because the dancing is stupid. They're good dancers and all, it’s just so out of nowhere it just feels weird. Still, if you ever wanted to see Kirk Cameron do the Worm, this movie is for you.

An upbeat number like that means the end of the film…what? This is still going on? You took that Lord of the Rings thing too literally. Four minutes sitting round a table eating dinner (by the way, this is supposed to be a party at Kirk’s sisters house and she’s cooked a full Christmas dinner for all her guests which looks like at least thirty people. No wonder she looks so exhausted in all her scenes) and Kirk narrates that all this commercialism is good and what God wants us to do. Hmm, maybe but I would be sceptical of anyone who says they know what an omniscient, omnipresent deity wants from us.

Now the film actually ends and we get a gag reel in the credits, including the director asking if water or celery is better for a dry mouth. Hilarious. Post-credit scene is two minor characters beat-boxing. Marvel, you need to up your game.

I don’t like to shit on anyone’s beliefs and I don’t doubt for a moment part of the reason for the films low rating is Kirk Cameron’s Christianity but as a film Saving Christmas doesn’t really work. Cameron makes a lot of points about the symbolism of Christmas that may strike chord with any Christians watching but in-film don’t address the questions being asked. Cameron may have his interpretation of the Christmas tree as being a symbol of Jesus but that doesn’t make his brother-in-law necessarily wrong for interpreting it as a symbol of pagan ritual. But I don’t want to get into that, enough blood has been spilt over the existence or non-existence of a God or Gods and I don’t want to add to it here.

On a technical level, it’s competent enough. No crazy jump-cuts or weird angles to complain about. And actually, some of the imagery is really quite good. Tonally it’s a bit weird though. Going from light and jovial to deep and serious back to a guy complaining they need to fight to keep ‘Crazy Shirts Friday.’ If I could describe this film in a word, it would be ‘weird.’ Which is not a word I was expecting to use. The opening credits have a ska version of 'Silent Night'. Ska has a high tempo, high energy beat. This is not that kind of film.

I don’t necessarily hate this film. I like that they do try to have an upbeat message about the season even if I don’t agree with all the points they make. I don’t think it’s as terrible as many make out but I’d say it’s misguided.

Talking Dicks at the Cinema

There I was watching Spider-man: Homecoming. It seemed a decent enough film but it was hard for me to fully concentrate on the film to give any proper opinions on it. The reason being I was getting live updates on the film from two rows behind.
And these guys didn't have the decency to even whisper, they were talking at normal volume. All the way through.

If you are a person who talks during a movie, you are a dick. That's not an opinion, that is a fact. Although just to clarify, I'm not talking about someone who might turn to their friend/partner to ask, 'Who's that guy?' That's a minor annoyance but its a couple seconds then its done. No, I mean the ones who talk all the way through. And not always about the film either. I really don't want to know what your dinner plans are.

I know it's cliche to complain about this but it is a real nuisance. I have a cousin who hates people bringing snacks into the cinema. As long as they aren't noisy with it I don't mind but I can see where he is coming from. It's a distraction that takes you away from the whole cinema experience and that is whats key.
Films work by suspension of disbelief and immersing you in their world. You can accept a man with superpowers given to him by a spider. An island where dinosaurs have been brought back to life, why not? One man taking down an army of terrorists without any shoes on, sure. Film plots can be quite ridiculous but you can forget all that during the films run-time because you are immersed in its world. You can't achieve that immersion however, when a voice behind you is talking about what time they need to be round at Michaela's.

The worst part being if you were to say something, they would act like you are the one with the problem. No, it's you. It's most definitely you.
Why even bother buying a ticket if you are just going to natter the whole way through? There are other far more suitable venues you could have gone to. Pubs, for instance, I am given to understand are very popular for socialising in. Cinema tickets cost money and you are ruining the experience for everyone in the theatre. If you had any decency, you would refund all of them the money they paid for their ticket.

So, basically, next time you are in a movie theatre and want to talk: zip it.

And don't get me started on mobile phones...

IMDB Bottom 100: Number 3 - Codename Koz

Number 3: Code Name KOZ (2015)

Propaganda movies. They have existed almost along as moving pictures have. Birth of a Nation, Triumph of the Will and Brexit: The Movie being notable examples.

Now it’s Turkey’s (who have been making a late stab at being the home of bad movies) turn to have a go at it. The main message being: President Erdoğan, what a guy.

Code Name Koz is a re-telling of the 2013 corruption scandal in Turkey. Basically, what happened was a number of government ministers were accused of bribery and money-laundering of Iranian gold in return for Iran’s gas and oil despite Iran being under international sanctions.

Except that isn’t what happened. Not if you’ve watched this movie. No, it was all a conspiracy by Erdoğan’s enemies backed by the evil United States. Needless to say, this film was funded by the Turkish government. Nobody really wanted to show the film but 850 cinemas in Turkey were forced to put the film on, pushing back the release dates of more legitimate films. Luckily, this doesn't mean people have to go to see it. And they didn't. Well done.

But, let’s be fair. Let’s imagine this isn’t just a cheap propaganda movie. Let’s imagine this as a film in its’ own right without the government angle. After all, this blog is about film and not politics. And…it still sucks balls.

In fairness, the production isn’t terrible even if the director is a little too keen on his jump cuts and split-screens. It’s just everything else.

If I hadn’t looked up the background of this movie, I would not have a clue what was going on. Even the subtitles didn’t help much with so many different characters flitting in and out all the time.

Apart from the acting, confusing plot and awful music, the worst thing about Code Name Koz is that it is deathly dull. More than once I found myself thinking ‘is this still going on?’, then I would look at the timer and realise it was not even half way through. They even manage to make a helicopter crash look boring, how do you do that?

I hope you are a fan of watching men sitting at tables talking because there is a lot of it. I would estimate a good 80% of the film is men talking at tables (with an occasional woman as well) with other events happening in between, such as the afore mentioned helicopter crash. But those were just to whet your appetite for more table sitting. One scene it looks like they are just sitting on chairs without a table setting off my OCD but luckily, its soon revealed there is a small coffee table in between the men. Crisis averted.

It presents itself as an action/political thriller but it’s not. It’s really not.

Back in the real world, following the scandal of government officials taking bribes, Erdoğan had 350 police and intelligence officers removed from their positions and changed a number of regulations relating to how financial crimes are investigated. Because that’s not suspicious. But as we all know the truth from this movie, it was all a plot from America to remove him from power as part of a 10 year plan to take control of the middle-east (which in fairness, isn’t that unbelievable).

Still, what a guy.