Number 24: Dracula 3000 (2004)
Trailer:
A joint effort from Germany and South Africa but don’t be fooled, this is not the 3000th
Dracula film to be made. It just feels that way.
Throughout his film history, Dracula has gone up against
everyone from Frankenstein to Billy the Kid to Batman. Heck, even Scooby Doo.
It’s hard to maintain total respect for a character who has been outwitted by a
dog and his stoner friend.
This should really be subtitled ‘Dracula In Space.’ And
actually, I’m amazed it’s taken this long for me to find a film like this. I’m
sure there are others out there but it’s the first time I’ve seen the Count on
a spaceship. How did he get there? Who knows, just accept it, Dracula is in
space finally, just like you always wanted.
There are some semi-famous names involved here. Casper Van
Dien (Johnny Rico from Starship Troopers),
Erika Eleniak from Baywatch, the
rapper Coolio who seems to pop up in just about every early noughties horror
film. My favourite though is Tommy ‘Tiny’ Lister.
Standing 6’5”, the ‘Tiny’ is obviously ironic. He has had
small roles in lots of films such as playing neighbourhood bully Deebo in Friday and as a prisoner in The Dark Knight (he was the one who
threw the detonator out the window). But I will best remember him as Zeus in
Hulk Hogan film No Holds Barred. This
actually led to him having a short-lived career in wrestling, as his character
wants revenge on Hulk Hogan for what happened to him in the movie. So it’s an
actor playing a fake character in a fake movie he thinks is real and wants
revenge in real life on a fake wrestler in a fake sport.
And that’s not even in the top 50 of stupid wrestling
storylines. It was all to promote No Hold
Barred, which flopped by the way.
Back to Space Dracula, a freighter ship comes across another
ship but it’s been abandoned. After some investigation they find the corpse of
the ship’s captain who has a crucifix in front of him. None of the crew know
what it is as religion no longer exists in the future. This slightly jars as
Coolio and Lister’s characters are the same as how black characters are
portrayed today. So in a thousand years, we are no longer divided by religion
but we are still divided on racial lines. That’s a depressing thought.
Dracula slowly picks them off, turning them into vampires
along the way. The character names offer nods to the books such as Van Helsing
and Mina Murray but that’s as far as it goes.
Nothing else to say, though it does have an interesting if
confusing ending to it.
It’s bearable.
Number 23: Invasion of the Neptune Men (1961)
Hang on a minute, this is familiar.
A Japanese sci-fi film about an alien invasion, fought off
by an invincible hero in a spacecraft with no explanation of how he acquired
his abilities. Children running around for no reason and generally getting in
the way.
This is just Prince of
Space (number 44) again but slightly worse.
You might as well just read that again, they’re so alike: http://badmoviehq.blogspot.co.uk/2015/10/imdb-bottom-100-nos-44-43-prince-of.html
The only differences are the Neptune men look even more
ridiculous than the aliens in Prince of
Space with their stupid funnel head helmets. Though they do blow up a building that has a swastika emblazoned on it (?).
And at least the Prince does spend some time in space so it’s
probably just as well our hero here has been downgraded to ‘Space Chief’.
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