Number 28: Die Hard Dracula (1998)
When I saw the title of this film, two possibilities came to
mind:
1)
This is a little known entry in the Die Hard series where John McClane takes
on the undead. With huge explosions and helicopter crashes (not likely)
2)
This is a spoof comedy (more likely)
Actually it’s neither. At least, I don’t think it is. It’s
obviously not Die Hard but I’m not
exactly sure what it is. I think it’s supposed to be a standard horror update
of the Dracula but it’s so goofy in places, I’m not sure it isn’t meant to be a
comedy.
That’s the biggest problem this film has: it doesn’t know if
it’s a serious horror or a comedy. It’s another cheaply made film, to the point
where if you listen closely enough, you can hear the director giving
instructions to the cast.
This film goes wrong right from the opening narration when
they recount the story of Vlad the Impaler, long believed to have been the
inspiration for Bram Stroker’s most famous creation. It states he died in 1599.
Vlad the Impaler actually died in 1477 so history is already a loser.
Then we see Dracula’s coffin flying through the air. Yeah.
Apparently he got fed up listening to all the prayers from the local church for
300 years. As good a reason as any to move I guess.
Cut to present day and we meet Steve and Julia, enjoying
some water-skiing. Steve gives Julia a life jacket to wear but she turns it
down. Can you guess what happens next?
To get over it all, Steve heads over to Europe. And actor
Denny Sachen had obviously been watching Francis Ford Coppola’s 1992 Bram Stroker’s Dracula because he is
really channelling his inner Keanu Reeves. A blanker slate you will not find.
Dracula on the other hand is channeling his inner Meatloaf
from the I Would Do Anything for Love video
crossed with Arnold Schwarzenegger as Dr Freeze in Batman and Robin. He likes to make a pun but he feels deep inner
pain because of it.
Van Helsing makes his appearance and well, even in the
original book the good Doctor was a bit eccentric but here he is just
ridiculous. I don’t even know what country he is supposed to be from, we’ll say
Germerica. He is the expert in killing vampires, apart from thinking silver
tipped bullets kill vampires. Not that I’d ever try to tell Dr Van Helsing how
to do his job but that’s werewolves.
He actually tries to kill Dracula with his silver bullet
which doesn’t work because he’s not a werewolf. But Van Helsing comes to the
perfectly logical conclusion it didn’t work because Dracula’s heart floats
around his body. It sounds so obvious when you say it out loud. Or maybe it’s
because Dracula is NOT A F&*%ING WEREWOLF!
The story is the standard Dracula village-in-peril plot
where young ladies are being taken and transformed into vampires. The village
is somewhat confusing because it’s not quite sure what time period its set in.
Some of the people are dressed in modern clothes while some are from the 18th
century. Amongst the confusion, Van Helsing and Keanu Steves have vowed to stop
Dracula.
Where I will give this film some props is the ending, it’s
not what you would expect and dammit, it works.
The soundtrack is a curious thing in this film. The
background music is taken from 80’s episodes of Dr Who while the rest comes from Now That’s What I Call Classical and mostly doesn’t fit with the
images on screen. Though there is one part where Dracula is playing Tchaikovsky’s
Swan Lake on the piano. This is
actually something I thoroughly approve of as this is the main theme from the
1931 Universal adaptation of Dracula (and as an aside, Bela Lugosi is still the
best screen Dracula there has ever been).
It’s an odd thing this one. If it tried to be a horror or a
comedy this could probably have been a half decent film. Unfortunately, because
it’s neither it comes out as a confused mess. But it’s an enjoyable confused
mess.
Number 27: Who’s Your Caddy? (2007)
Oh God. I just looked at the title and knew this was going
to be painful. Who’s your caddy and what does he do?
It’s a comedy so that’s always a bad sign for this list. Bad films can
have redeeming features such as ridiculously bad acting that can make them
enjoyable, bad comedies are always just bad.
It’s a hip-hop comedy with black rappers as well, so better
get my white guy subtitles on.
This film wastes no time with the implied racism as two
minutes in we are given the main crux of the film. Rapper C-Note (played by
rapper Big Boi) arrives with his entourage at an exclusive golf and country
club wanting membership. Never explicitly stated but heavily implied is they
don’t want him to join as they don’t want a black member in their club.
C-Note is able to exploit a loophole to get in the club
using some nearby property he buys. Which is convenient. The film then becomes
about villain Cummings (Principal Rooney from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off) trying to get C-Note out of his club. It’s
very important because a decision is being made about hosting the US Open in a
couple weeks. I guess the USGA must be racist and wouldn’t want to hold their
biggest event at a venue with a black member?
So shenanigans ensue as C-Note and his crew show all the
stuffy, uptight white people how to hang loose and ‘be real.’ There is a touch
of misogyny about it and I don’t know about the ethics of giving cannabis to
horses but it is generally good fun.
The film builds towards its inevitable conclusion: a golf
match between C-Note and Cummings for Presidency of the golf club. And it’s
just as exciting as a real golf match i.e, it’s as exciting as watching paint
dry while waiting for the kettle to boil.
It delves into 90’s Sports movie territory when losing at
the halfway point, Uncle Phil from Fresh
Prince of Bel Air steps in to deliver the inspirational speech. You see
C-Notes father had been a caddy at the club and had broken the course record
but Cummings wouldn’t accept it and he was fired from the club. Again, racism
implied. This should be a major plot point in the rivalry between C-Note and
Cummings but is so rarely referred to it comes across as coincidental.
I don’t need to tell you who goes on to win the game. One in
the eye for da man.
There are some good characters in the film but protagonist
C-Note is not one of them. That’s mainly because he has it too easy. Cummings
is obviously a horrible person but C-Note has his number at every turn so it
never feels like he’s ever in peril. Even when he is losing the final game it
never feels like he’s in any trouble so the whole thing lacks any dramatic
tension.
Even with his love interest in the film, Shannon, who is
Cummings lawyer, there is nothing to it. No shenanigans or contrived
misunderstandings they just meet a couple times and hey presto! They’re a
couple!
I have seen worse films (such as any of Adam Sandler movies)
but this is far from good. The biggest crime for a comedy film, it’s not funny
and the story is dully predictable right from the start. I could have saved
myself a lot of time just by seeing the first meeting between C-Note and
Cummings and then fast-forwarding right to the final golf match at the end.
And I would not have missed a thing.
No comments:
Post a Comment