Number 34: The Maize: The Movie (2004)
There are some things that interest me about watching the
films in the IMDB Bottom 100. One such thing is what qualifies to get you on
the list.
The first thing is a film has to have at least 1500 votes.
The second thing is it needs to have been commercially released.
And for that I have to give The Maize some credit for getting what is essentially a homemade
video distributed. I also appreciate the addition of ‘The Movie’ to the film
title, just in case you got it mixed up with the TV series or the book.
Alternative title Dark
Harvest 2, it’s about two girls lost in a cornfield and their father with
psychic abilities who has to go and rescue them before the supernatural killer
gets them.
But honestly, if you know where there’s a cornfield near you
and you have a camera, you can make this movie. Just grab some friends and
family members, head out there, run around for a bit, edit it all together in
Windows Movie Maker. And somehow persuade Lions Gate Films to distribute it for
you.
That’s what Bill Cowell done.
Number 33: The Pumaman (1980)
The old rule is never truer than here: if there is a major
film release that is successful, there will be a dozen or more cheap imitators.
To put this in it's historical context, Superman
had been released in 1978 and was a massive hit. I’m not a massive fan of
the first Superman movie but its brilliant
sequel Superman II was released in
1980. I am of the opinion those films were actually intended as one movie but
got split into two (note Zod and his gang are at the start of the first Superman movie). So the first film is
basically like a proof of concept before the real movie they intended all along
came out.
Also released in 1980 was Italian movie The Pumaman, hoping to catch a piece of the superhero pie.
Pumaman is about a
regular Joe who discovers he is the latest in a line of Pumamen, dating back to
ancient Aztec times. He’s given a belt by an Aztec guy who reminds me of Billy
from Predator. It’s not actually him
but I did find myself shouting at him to ‘Get to da choppa’!!!’ anyway. Sadly
for actor Miguel Angel Fuentes, The
Pumaman was probably his career highlight.
The belt was given to the Aztecs by a race
of aliens. What is with that? Why are Aztecs and aliens synonymous with each
other?
The powers given to Pumaman are the obligatory super strength,
night vision and feral claws. He can also fly and walk through walls just like
a real puma can’t. Actually, a puma is the name of a genus of the cat family rather
than any particular species. Members of this group are the cougar and the
mountain lion. Is it important to know that? Does knowing this improve your
film viewing experience? No and no. It’s just more interesting than anything else
going on.
Pumaman has one of the worst superhero costumes you are ever
likely to see. Costumes are pretty difficult to transpose into the real world
without them looking ridiculous anyway but these guys just didn’t put any
effort in at all. A black jumper, red cape and tan corduroys. Really imposing.
The flying effects are abysmal. Actor Walter George Alton
looks really awkward hanging on wires in front of a projector screen. For Alton,
The Pumaman was probably his career
highlight.
Standing in for Lex Luger is Donald Pleasance, playing a
criminal called Kobras with a penchant for tight black leather. His plan is to
take over the world (what else?) using a mystical mask left behind by an alien
culture (those damn aliens again?!) which he will use to take control of
peoples’ minds.
Pleasance gives his best Blofeld in this but it was not a
career highlight for him. He actually described it as the worst film he ever
made and he done a lot of bad films.
The Lois Lane equivalent is archaeologist Jane Dobson. The
Pumaman has to rescue her after her mind is put under the control of Kobras.
Luckily for actress Sydne Rome, she has had a long career in film and TV so has
been able to put The Pumaman fiasco
behind her.
The film is allegedly set in London but it’s no version of
London either you or me ever saw. They could have at least put in some stock
footage of Big Ben (and yes, I know Big Ben is the bell and not the tower).
That The Pumaman is
bad goes without saying but it’s enjoyable in its own campy way and I put that
down to its theme song. When Richard Donner made Superman, he had John Williams doing the music. Think of a classic
theme from a movie and Williams probably wrote it. Star Wars, Jurassic Park, Jaws, Harry Potter, Indiana Jones the
list goes on. If you have Williams and his orchestra behind you, you are on to
a winner.
The Pumaman has a
guy called Renato Serio with a Casio keyboard and damn is it catchy. You’ll be
humming it for weeks afterwards.
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