IMDB Bottom 100: No's 50 & 49 - Dream.net and Titanic: The Legend Goes On

Number 50: Dream.net (2009)

Another film from Hungary, what do the not-so-Magical Magyars have to offer us this time?

I suppose the best way to describe it is Mean Girls meets Bring It On. Mean Girls Bring It On would be a good title.

Regina is a spoilt, rich girl, the most popular girl in school and entirely superficial. Then one day her parents change her school. I don’t really understand why, they haven’t moved anywhere. I guess they thought it would be good for her?

Naturally, she doesn’t fit in at her new school and falls foul of the schools current reigning queen bee, Lívia. The only person who seems to like her is Mark, a musician who also happens to be Regina’s neighbour and has a crush on her. To help her fit in, Regina starts a new cheerleading squad and wins over her former enemies.

This puts Regina in an awkward position, caught between her old friends and her new ones as there is an upcoming basketball match between the two schools. She is also caught between Mark and her former boyfriend, David who is the spitting image of Chris Evans (the Captain America one, not the TFI Friday one).

So the game comes and they have a, erm, cheer off and Regina’s new school go on to win the game. Which I guess means they won the cheerleading as well and Regina is most popular girl in school again. There's a prom, Regina and Mark reveal their feelings, she gets crowned prom queen. High school in Hungary is a lot like high school in America it seems.

And there’s a gag reel in the credits. Well, you’ve got to find something to laugh at I suppose.

Should say a little something about the title, dream.net (or Álom.net) is a mysterious social media website that seems to act as a Cupid service.

One of my main gripes with this film, is that it rather puts me in mind of Chris Lilley’s Ja’mie: Public Schoolgirl. It’s nowhere near as clever or funny as that but it’s the point that just like Ja’mie, you never get any sense that Regina has learnt anything from the experience, she is still just as shallow at the end as she is at the start. Which makes the whole thing a waste of time, superficiality conquers all.

The principal looks a lot like Vladimir Putin too.

Number 49: Titanic: The Legend Goes On…(2000)

If you have a film that is wildly successful, it is inevitable there will be imitators looking to cash in. In this case it’s James Cameron’s 1997 epic Titanic.

There is a problem with adapting the Titanic story into a children’s cartoon of course, namely that most of the people on board died.

Now, don’t get confused when watching this because though the animation looks like it comes from the 1940’s, this was actually made in the year 2000.

The quality of the voice acting is abysmal, as if they just grabbed people off the street, didn't give them any context and just told them, 'Read this.'

They do keep the main romantic story from Cameron’s movie but they switch it around so now that Jack (called William in this) is the wealthy socialite and Rose (Angelica) is the poor, working class one. Angelica actually has a Cinderella story arc where her wicked step-mother and two ugly step-sisters won’t let her go to the ball. No seriously, that is a thing here just that instead of a fairy godmother it is her new animal friends who get her a dress so she can go to the ball.

Apart from William and Angelica, all the other human characters are dodgy in some way or other. Everyone seems to be either a thief or a scammer. Seriously, I think to get on board Titanic you needed to have committed at least five felonies.

There’s all the animal characters as well you have to put up with, brought in to cutify this tragedy in which 1517 people (wiki) lost their lives. And it is a case of putting up with them, they are real Disney rejects.

The good thing about watching a movie about Titanic is knowing what is going to happen and by the time the iceberg hits, you have been praying for it. And when it does happen, keeping in line with the rest of the movie, it is entirely underwhelming. The ship doesn’t so much hit the iceberg, as gently breeze a few metres away from it.

This is still enough to cause the ship to sink of course and everyone makes their escapes. Apart from the captain who goes down with his ship. As some of you may know, Captain Edward Smith was believed (but not substantiated) to have killed himself on the bridge of the Titanic, shooting himself in the head. In a harrowing scene, this is fully depicted here in gory, graphic detail…of course it isn’t but imagine if it was, it would have made a much more interesting film. Imagine having to explain that to your kids.

William sacrifices himself so Angelica can get away on one of the lifeboats. Once on the lifeboat, Angelica sees someone floating in the water and thinks it might be Will but it isn’t so she throws him back in the water. No she doesn’t but she thought about it I tell you. She does find him in the end though.

All the animals get off too though and are brought back to land by dolphins. Well why not?

The film ends telling us what happened to all the characters after Titanic. So, it’s a happily ever after ending.

If you forget about the 1517 people who died.

IMDB Bottom 100: No's 52 & 51: Ator the Invinvible and The Bat People

Number 52: Ator the Invincible (1984)

Oh alright, I love Conan films.

‘What is best in life?’

‘To crush your enemies. See them driven before you. Hear the lamentations of their women.’

Although, Arnie looks a little smaller here. His hairs longer than I remember and I don’t remember him having a mute sidekick before. Wait a minute, this isn’t Schwarzenegger at all and this isn’t Conan at all. It’s just a cheap rip-off.

A very cheap rip-off. I’m not even being cute. Also known as The Blade Master, Ator is a trilogy of Italian films made for the sole purpose of cashing in on the success of Conan the Barbarian.

You realise early on how little money was spent on this when the heroes are running across a field and their enemies are chasing after them on foot. The budget didn’t extend to horses.

This being the second film, we are given a recap of the events of the first film. Which is a nice acknowledgement from the makers that no one would have seen it.

Ator’s old teacher Akronas has discovered a new devastating explosive power but a former student of his, Zor, wants his secret for bad purposes. And he wants to show off his impressive moustache. Or it would be impressive if I wasn’t so sure it was stuck on. Akronas’ daughter Mila escapes and goes to find Ator to sort everything out. As is tradition with all attractive women in fantasy movies, she is wearing a very short leather dress but has complimented it with a hubcap across her chest.

It is here where the fun and frolics begin. Well, frolics anyway.

After fighting off standard goons, they fight invisible enemies (did I mention the cheap budget?) and cave people. The film gets distracted for a while as I guess the director realised they didn’t have enough material for a feature length film so go on a side-quest to kill a cult of snake-worshippers. Remember the great scene in Conan the Barbarian when Arnie fights the giant snake? This is nowhere near as good as that but if you have ever wondered what it’s like to see a man wrestle a giant cuddly toy in a film, look no further.

We get back on track when Ator makes up for lost time when he rushes to the final battle by flying a hang-glider (yes, a hang glider. Kurt Russell surfing in Escape from LA doesn’t seem so silly now, does it?) to Akronas’ castle. Where did he get it? Who knows, by this point I’ve already seen Ator fight thin air, wrestle a toy and heard snakes growl. What does a hang-glider matter now?

The final fight between Ator and Zor is very underwhelming. Just a regular sword battle and Zor is killed. After everything before it’s a big disappointment. There should have been a swarm of bees involved or something.

So, to summarise Ator the Invincible. Well, he’s no Conan that’s for sure. Conan movies might be silly but at least make sense within their own universe. Nothing makes sense in Ator. Cavemen, barbarians and medieval architecture all exist within the same universe. Miles O’Keefe as Ator is a worse actor than Arnold Schwarzenegger. I’ll repeat that: Miles O’Keefe as Ator is a worse actor than Arnold Schwarzenegger.

There is another Ator film. But that’s another story…

Number 51: The Bat People (1974)

I’m struggling with this one.

Purely because I’m struggling to find anything interesting to say about The Bat People.

It is remarkable just how unremarkable this film is. The bad acting and poor production goes without saying but there are no big names in the cast to vent over. It’s just a nothing TV movie.

It’s a basic vampire film, just they transform into man-bat creatures at night instead.

You have a couple, John and Cathy, on their honeymoon but unfortunately John gets bit by a bat. I guess it must have been radioactive or something because it causes him to turn into a bat creature at night. If comics have taught me anything it is that animal bites always cause you to take on characteristics of that animal. It’s implied it’s a reaction to an experimental serum he’s been taking but I think it is definitely the bite. Anyway, it puts a bit of a dampener on their honeymoon.

Naturally, nobody believes it when John says he turns into a bat. Apart from one scientist, who says, ‘He believes it, so it must be true.’ Because that’s how science works. Don’t waste your time with research and experiments, just believe in it and it is so.

People start turning up dead in unusual circumstances so they start taking his claims more seriously. When I say more seriously, I mean they think John is the killer not that he turns into a bat.

There’s a cop on the trail who I guess is supposed to be a villain but doesn’t really do much other than have hots for John’s wife, Cathy. He tracks John down to a cave where he witnesses John make his ‘transformation’, which is basically putting on a gorilla mask.

The cop tries to use Cathy to lure John out but in a twist a four year old can see coming, she’s a bat person too. The spoiler is in the title.

The one interesting thing in this is the expression on the faces when a transformation is about to happen. Let’s just say, they look excited.

This film happened. It exists, that is as interesting as you can say.

IMDB Bottom 100: No's 54 & 53 - Ghosts Can't Do It and Zombie Nightmare

Number 54: Ghosts Can’t Do It (1989)

Sometimes, mistakes get made, even here at Bad Movies HQ. I’d watched the film, had my review all written out until I found out there was one small, tiny little problem: I’d watched the wrong film.

It turns out there is a film with a very similar title to this called Ghosts Can Do It, a strange Australian comedy film with Pamela Stephenson. Watching that was my first mistake. My second was finding the right movie to watch.

Ghosts Can Do It is by no means good but Ghosts Can’t Do It is just plain terrible and fully deserving of its four Razzie awards. If you aren't aware of the Razzie awards, they are like the Oscars for bad movies and usually happen about a week before. Most actors don't turn up to receive their awards but some are game for it. They create good bits of trivia such as Sandra Bullock being the only actress to have picked up the Razzie for worst actress and Oscar for Best actress in the same year.

What happens in this film is you have married couple Scott and Kate, very much in love but Scott is at least 30 years older than his young wife. Scott is played by late Anthony Quinn, another Oscar winning actor on the list, while Kate is played by Bo Derek, who just sucks as an actress. Sure Ten was a success but that was nothing to do with her.

Scott has a heart attack and rather than wait to die, he commits suicide. In the gateway between worlds he meets an angel played by Julie Newmar. She gives Scott the opportunity to return to life but he needs to persuade his wife to kill a man so he can possess his body. So Scott comes back as a ghost to convince Kate to find a body for him.

When people hear Kate speaking to her dead husband they naturally assume she’s gone loopy but now that she’s single, lots of menfolk are now making plays for her much to Scott’s chagrin.

The film takes a break in the middle from the main plot to give us a story about sorting out Scott’s business affairs, which includes bartering with Donald Trump. And as the credits point out ‘yes, that really is Donald Trump!’ Wow, what a scoop! We are so lucky. At the time of writing, Donald Trump (who won a Razzie for his cameo here) is running to become the Republican candidate in the US Presidential election and I can’t decide if his hairpiece was more preposterous now or then?

After Kate has a very casual conversation with a hitman (who has been sent to force her to miss an important business meeting) about whether it’s worse to be raped or murdered, everything is sorted out. I think I must be missing a few minutes because Kate just switches about locations with no explanation how she got there or how anything was resolved.

Now that’s all done with back to the main plot. Scott and Kate find a body to takeover but Kate gets cold feet about committing murder. Apparently a body has to be near to death before Scott can take control of it which allows a moral loophole, where Kate saves the young man from drowning and as she is resuscitating him this gives Scott the opportunity to return to life.

Everyone lives happily ever after. Apart from the man whose body Scott took over. He’s still dead.

It gets really sickening listening to Scott and Kate being so lovey-dovey all the way through because firstly, Bo Derek is such a horrible actress and two because Scott just never comes across as being likeable character. They try and justify it all by making out the guy whose body they took over is a shallow opportunist but at no point are you rooting for Scott.

There’s no doubt to me this was a vanity project from writer and director, John Derek. He was married to Bo Derek and coincidentally, he was 30 years older than her. To show there is some justice in the world, this film won the Razzie for Worst Film and Worst Director.

So, don’t watch Ghosts Can’t Do It. Watch Ghosts Can Do It instead. Or better yet, don’t watch either.

Number 53: Zombie Nightmare (1987)

Zombies. Heavy metal. Adam West.

That’s it really. And Tia Carrere. I’m a big fan of Tia Carrere, I must have seen at least five episodes of Relic Hunter.

Writing this in 2015, the last decade has seen a zombie explosion in films, TV, comics and video games. It may be a little unfair on Zombie Nightmare as it came before but this over-saturation makes it difficult for me to get hyped about another zombie film.

Coming to us from Canada, the film starts with a guy being stabbed and killed while trying to protect a black girl from a pair of teenage thugs. His son Tony grows up and is also stabbed by another gang of teenage thugs, including Tia Carrere (shwing).

This is too much for his mother to bear and she goes to see a voodoo lady who brings him back from the dead as a zombie, who cannot rest in peace until he has taken revenge on his killers.

So predictably from there, all the gang members are slowly picked off one by one. Adam West, with a terrific moustache, is a police captain who just wants all the deaths swept under the carpet. Unfortunately for him, he has a new, young detective on his force who just won’t let things lie.

With the gang members all taken out there is one loose end and in what is actually a pretty good call-back, we learn Adam West was the thug who stabbed Tony’s father at the beginning of the movie and the voodoo lady who raised the zombies was the girl he had attacked.

West gets his comeuppance and is quite literally dragged to hell.

It’s occurs to me I’ve watched a film with Julie Newmar in it and then one with Adam West right after. A weird cosmic fate that has brought Batman and Catwoman together once more. For the record, despite the overall campness of the 1960’s Batman TV series, there are still those who proclaim Newmar to be the best on screen portrayal of Catwoman. If only they were both in one of these films together, one of them could have been a little less awful.

Not much else to Zombie Nightmare. Heavy metal soundtrack might be good if you like that sort of thing. Some shockingly bad acting on display throughout. When you are looking to Adam West to add some grit to proceedings, you know you are in trouble.

Some funny bits of dialogue, such as when a young woman tells one of the guys she is ‘old enough to be your sister.’ Erm, wouldn’t any woman be old enough to be your sister?

It’s watchable but if you must watch one zombie film, do yourself a favour and watch Night of the Living Dead. Not only the best zombie movie ever made but arguably the best horror film ever made.

IMDB Bottom 100: No's 56 & 55 - The Incredibly Strange Creatures...and Legend of Drona

Number 56: The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies (1964)

There is a school of thought that less is more, that film titles should be short, snappy and to the point. Examples of this would be Star Wars, Gladiator, Snatch. This is not a philosophy shared by Gene Pollock and Robert Silliphant, the writers of The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies. Doesn’t that just roll off the tongue?

You’d think with a title like that, the film would be pretty self-explanatory wouldn’t you? But actually a more accurate title would be The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies but They Don’t Turn Up Until 10 Minutes Before the End and They Aren’t Even Really Zombies Anyway but You’ll Have to Sit Through 70 Minutes Of Tedium Before Then By Which Time You Would Have Forgotten All About Them Anyway.

The carnival is in town so there are lots of fairground rides and fun to be had. The fortune teller is the villain of the film and seems to have it in for all the dancing girls and wants them all dead. Why? No idea but everyone needs a hobby I guess. She hypnotises a young man called Jerry into killing one of them for her. But Jerry figures something is up and goes back to see her but she throws acid in his face.

The fortune teller tries to put Jerry in a cellar with all her other deformed creatures but they all break out, kill her and go on a rampage. The police show up and kill them all, Jerry gets shot off a cliff.

And that is really the whole movie in two short paragraphs, maybe 30 minutes of screen time. The rest of the film is taken up with nauseating shots of fairground rides and lots of song and dance numbers.

Some of those dance routines are of questionable racial sensitivity but it was a different time. Ignorance was perfectly acceptable back then,

The overly long title isn’t even accurate about the creatures you see at the end. They aren’t zombies, they are alive and they’re not even creatures really. Just slightly deformed people.

There is a bit of 60’s psychedelia vibe running through it and the camera often just films whatever it wants to, creating a feeling of nausea. But truthfully, apart from its stupid title, its just not a lot of fun.

Number 55: The Legend of Drona (2008)

Back to Bollywood now. Their films are always so colourful and fun.

As with my review of Khan the Con, I’m steering clear of the songs and trying just to focus on the film element.

How to summarise The Legend of Drona, well it’s got elements of Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, The Matrix, and Superman all mixed up in there. And yeah, a fair bit of the Prince of Persia games too.

It starts with a back story about the Drona, Guardians of the Universe. Which is pretty big-headed given they never leave Earth. Aditya (Abishek Bachchan, son of Amitabh Bachchan who is arguably the greatest actor in Bollywood history) is the latest in the line of Drona but is sent away at a young age to protect him from a demon called Riz Razaida. He lives with his Aunt and cousin who don’t seem overly fond of him (but his uncle is ok) and he has a room in the attic to sleep in.

He grows up working in their shop (which IMDB synopsis says is in Britain but it was filmed in Prague) and takes blame for everything. Poor guy is all lonesome and knows nothing of his heritage. Then one day he has a chance meeting with Riz, who is delighting the crowds with his magic. He is what will happen if David Copperfield ever turns bad, so keep an eye on that situation people.

Riz tries to capture Adi but this is where he finds out he’s not alone but has had people watching over him his whole life. That’s the Harry Potter sequence over with and we move into The Matrix portion of the film as Adi discovers he is The One. Sorry, Drona, he is Drona.

He is helped along by Trin…Sonia (Priyanka Chopra) as he discovers his destiny and learns the skills he will need to defeat Riz.

Riz is searching for the nectar of life that will grant him immortality. Though he seems quite long lived anyway so I’m not convinced he actually needs it. To find the nectar he actually needs Drona to take him to it, which ironically means the best course of action the good guys could have done is to do nothing and have just kept Adi in the dark about everything.

The rest of the time is taken up with a lot of travelling across the desert with some decent fight sequences against the Nazgul to break it up. Adi goes to see Gandalf (seriously, it’s not even subtle) to collect his Excalibur sword before his final fight with Riz.

They have a bit of a barney before Drona slays Riz and ‘saving the universe’, though I really didn’t see anything to suggest the universe was in any trouble. I’m not even convinced Earth was in much danger.

It’s a decent enough film give or take a few dodgy cgi effects and cardboard sets. After the last few films I’ve watched, it’s a pleasure just to see something made by someone who knows how to hold a camera.

What really lets this film down though is the acting. I appreciate Abishek Bachchan is supposed to be playing an everyman character but he’s too ordinary looking, I just can’t buy him as a superhero. Priyanka Chopra might actually be a tree. Kay Kay Menon just isn’t menacing enough as Riz to come across as a legitimate threat.

It’s ok but nothing more.

IMDB Bottom 100: No.s 58 & 57 - Copper Mountain and A Fox's Tale

Number 58: Copper Mountain (1983)

Copper Mountain could be worth checking out just for its curiosity value as it features Jim Carrey in one of his earliest film roles. If his IMDB profile is correct he would have been just 20 years old while he was filming this. It would be another decade before he would really hit the big time with Ace Ventura, but it’s interesting to see that even back then he was doing the rubber face-goofy voice shtick that would become his trademark.

His co-star in this is Alan Thicke, a man who made a career as a supporting actor in 100 different films and TV shows over the years. But perhaps his career highlight was composing the theme tune to Different Strokes (and yes, his son is Robin Thicke).

So how’s the movie? Well, bad films don’t move to the beat of just one drum.

It’s not really even a film. It’s only 60 minutes for one thing. And it comes off as a 60 minute infomercial for the Copper Mountain ski resort in Colorado. Lots of shots of the mountains, bars, restaurant, spa. It looks very nice, just the skiing part that puts me off.

Carrey and Thicke are Bobby and Jackson, two guys heading to the resort for different reasons. Jackson wants to join a pro-ski team while Bobby just wants to meet women. They say they come from Grimsby, which is Ontario but I like to imagine they mean Grimsby in Lincolnshire. It makes their story about chasing buffalo more interesting.

Jackson gets a chance to earn his spot on a pro-team in an, erm, ski-off but Bobby’s attempts to woo the ladies don’t go so well. Apparently, women don’t like it when you make silly noises and faces at them. I’m learning so much.

The film then takes a break to show a music concert from Romping Ronnie Hawkins. We don’t get just one song though, oh no, we get five. With Rita Coolidge too. A one hour film (shorter if you exclude the credits) and it is dragging itself out. 

I have looked up Ronnie Hawkins as its not a name I'm familiar with and it would seem he was a big pioneer in the early days of Rock ‘n’ Roll but never enjoyed the same sort of commercial success as his contemporaries. Still, that is no excuse for dragging out this segment and it makes Copper Mountain look a bit Butlins.

Jackson gets his spot on the team, despite losing his race because the guy he lost to is an employee of the resort and wants him to have it. Aren’t the staff lovely? While this is going on, Bobby finds the confidence to be himself after speaking to Jean Claude Killy, a gold medal winning Olympic skier. But when he’s doing his impressions of famous people and zaney antics is that not him being himself? Someone who likes to entertain (debatable) others? Why does it seem like ‘being yourself’ often means ‘be bland and uninteresting’.

Still, he has to go on a crazy run down the slopes before he has any success, impressing the ladies with his awesome ski skills. This negates the advice he was just given as this was actually his first time skiing and he just got lucky but the women thought he was great, so he went along with it. So don’t be yourself then, always be something you’re not. Lie, lie and lie again.

Not much to say about Copper Mountain as a film but as an advert for Copper Mountain Ski Resort, it’s fantastic.

Number 57: A Fox’s Tale (2008)

The first animated film on the list. And from Hungary too, another country to cross off the list. Truly, bad films are a global experience.

It does have a decent cast for the English dub of the film with Bill Nighy, Sienna Miller and Miranda Richardson adding their voices to the film. I imagine this is where the films budget went as they sure as hell didn’t spend any of it on the animation as this is truly horrendous. I don’t expect Toy Story levels of detail but this level of 3D animation wouldn’t have been acceptable on an early 90’s pc game. Chopping and swirling about all over the place, characters who look less convincing than Wallace & Gromit (I don’t even know how you do that) moving in bizarre ways.

Do not watch this film in one sitting. You will be ill.

From my background research (yes, I do research on these), A Fox’s Tale is an intended sequel to 1981 film The Little Fox, which is considered a highpoint for Hungarian animated films. I won’t argue that but if true, what a way to shit all over its legacy with this turd.

The story is something about animals being taken from the forest and made to perform in a circus. Led by Jack the fox they plan their escape, though the circus is right next to the forest and there aren’t any fences so it’s not exactly The Great Escape. There’s also a subplot about a young female acrobat and a supposedly disabled boy in a wheelchair. I say supposedly as he’s able to walk at the end and we're supposed to be amazed at this but even before that he moves his legs to trip up a goon. I say he’s just lazy.

Don’t worry if you miss anything though, as a crow turns up every few minutes to rap at you everything that’s just happened. I think it’s meant to make this film seem cool and hip but it reminds me of old CBBC series Maid Marion, which would have musical breaks every so while to recap the story of each episode. And that was never cool nor hip but still better than A Fox’s Tale.

They all escape and its happy endings all round. I think. It’s hard to concentrate with animation that juts about all over the place.

It’s always tempting to go easier on a film if it’s targeted at children but in this case, I don’t think so. If anything we need to be harder as children need to learn an important lesson: Half-arsing it like this is absolutely not acceptable.

It’s times like these I wonder what I am doing, watching a badly animated, Hungarian children’s cartoon and getting worked up about it. But I'm committed to it now, so I plow on...

IMDB Bottom 100: No.s 60 & 59 - Boggy Creek II and Soultaker

Number 60: Boggy Creek II: The Legend Continues (1985)

Aah, it feels good to be back on familiar ground with good old reliable, b-movie horror.

From looking on IMDB, this appears to be the third Boggy Creek movie. So we’re off to a good start already.

I haven’t seen the other films but I’m sure I’m not missing much.

A university professor, Dr Lockhart takes three students on a trip into the Arkansas woods in a search for a yeti creature. Tim is a bit of a dogsbody for the professor lugging stuff around but the two girls, Leslie and Tanya, contribute nothing. They have no useful skills. The film is quite honest that they only exist for the purpose of eye candy.

While setting up the equipment to track any large beasts in the area, Lockhart regales the students with stories about the beast they are looking for. It’s a dull life the beast has led, just walking around not really doing much. The kids aren’t that interested, apart from teacher’s pet Tim. The two girls don’t much like roughing it in their tents and wish they could go to a hotel instead. Why did they volunteer to go?

Not much happens until towards the end. I think the director Charles B.Pierce (who also plays Professor Lockhart) is trying to build tension but you need events to build suspense around. It picks up a little when there is a storm and they have to take refuge in Old Man Crenshaw’s farm.

Whenever you hear someone with a Southern accent in an American movie, generally they either want to hump you or eat you. Crenshaw looks like he could do both at the same time. But Crenshaw has put them all in danger as he’s taken the yeti’s offspring. Crenshaw is obviously quite scared of the beast so why he kidnapped its young is a mystery. What I do know is, it looks a lot like a small monkey.

The yeti comes a looking for its sprog and Lockhart just gives it back to him. And that’s it, the creature walks away. What an anti-climax.

Oh, and Lockhart narrates throughout the story. You could argue this is necessary to tell the backstory of the creature (which doesn’t have a name by the way) but this is already been told in flashbacks. Narration over flashbacks, what kind of hell is this?

Nothing else to say. Rubbish horror film with no pay off.

Number 59: Soultaker (1990)

More B-movie horror. Delightful.

Squint your eyes a bit and you can pretend we have a big name star in this. The titular Soultaker is played by Joe Estevez, the brother of Martin Sheen, uncle of Charlie and Emilio Estevez. Trivia fact, Joe stood in for Martin Sheen on days he was unwell filming Apocalypse Now. Sometimes I like to remind myself that good films exist, it makes the bad ones more tolerable.

A group of teenagers are in a horrific car crash but only two of them are important, Zach and Natalie. Their souls have been disconnected from their bodies and they need to find a way to get their souls back in them. They are being kept alive on life support but they are given a convenient deadline of midnight when they will be turned off. That seems quite a quick turnaround, not even kept in for one nights’ observation before being turned off.

Charlie Estevez is the Soultaker out to stop them. Something went wrong and they should have died in the crash but didn’t, I don’t know why. He’s got a boss who tells him he needs to catch them, while obeying the ‘rules’ (no idea), or their souls escape forever. All something to do with restoring balance. It’s all a bit silly but to be fair it is quite fun.

Emilio Sheen appears to take a personal interest in Natalie, not wanting to take her soul but wants her to join him instead. We learn the reason for this later on, when Zach finds one of his dead friends from the crash has now become a soultaker himself. It would seem Martin Estevez was once a regular guy and Natalie reminds him of his former wife.

Joe Sheen doesn’t catch them in time and they make it back into their bodies. Apparently this means they can’t ever take their souls now, so I guess Zach and Natalie are immortal now? The soultaker gets packed off into the underworld forever.

Having escaped death, Zach and Natalie awake from their real life comas and are up and moving around. Here’s the thing, they were in a horrific car crash, the car was crumpled up like an accordion. Escaping a crash like that alive would be considered highly fortunate, to have no injuries would be a miracle. They aren’t even bruised.

Overall, it’s an ok film if a little bland and the ending just leaves it with no credibility.

(these are from IMDB Bottom 100 movies list as it was on 31st August 2015)

IMDB Bottom 100: No.s 62 & 61 - Ben & Arthur and I Accuse My Parents

Number 62: Ben & Arthur (2002)

Hmm, someone’s bound to get offended here but I’ll try my best. A little sensitivity is required here due to the subject matter but it’s handled so poorly that will not be an easy task.

Firstly, a word on quality. There is none. It’s basically a cheap film made with editing techniques you could find on Windows Moviemaker. But it’s not all about lighting and special effects. Sometimes you’ve got to work with what you have and just because you’re shooting on a hand held camera, if the story is good you can still make a good film.

They don’t. But after a while you start to enjoy the odd framing, bad acting, awkward dialogue and strange angles. It's delightfully shite.

Gay couple Ben and Arthur want to get married but it’s not legal in California. Their original plan was to go to Hawaii to get married but that’s scuppered when Gay Marriage bill in Hawaii gets held up. There’s another problem in that Ben is already married to a woman meaning they couldn’t have married in Hawaii anyway. Homosexual or not, bigamy is still a crime people. Ben’s wife doesn’t take kindly to Ben’s homosexuality and plans to shoot him. Ben wrests control of the gun away from her (this becomes important), she leaves and we never see her again. Nice meeting you! 

Though it’s never said on screen presumably their divorce goes through so Ben and Arthur marry in Vermont which looks a lot like California, gay marriage is legal and apparently you don’t need witnesses.Though it wouldn't surprise me if Ben were still married, the film talks about legal rights and laws but doesn't really understand any of them.

A quick word on Ben and Arthur. Theirs is actually quite an abusive relationship, Ben is an absolute dick to Arthur. Always shouting and belittling him. One time he straight-up knocks him out. What does he say when he comes to? ‘That’ll teach you for having stupid thoughts.’ Charming guy. There are times when you think Arthur might be realising he’s made a mistake but since it is never really expanded on, I’m probably giving the makers too much credit.

Arthur’s unhinged brother Victor opposes their union on religious grounds. He’s a zealot and we know this as the first scene he’s in he is wearing a white robe and carrying a copy of the Bible with him.

Victor believes homosexuality to be an illness they can be cured of. Ben and Arthur don’t take kindly to this and tell him where to go. Victor retorts to this by threatening to pray for them. He actually uses prayer as a threat. That’ll teach them the errors of their sinful ways.

Victor tries to cure them with more traditional threats and even a magic potion of holy water that will wash the gay disease away. This was made in 2002, are there really still Christian people who believe this nonsense? I guess so.

Disaster strikes for Victor when he is kicked out of his church because Arthur is gay. I’ve looked this up, now though Victor’s specific denomination is not given, I can’t find any examples of a church ex-communicating other family members because one of them is gay. The priest gives him a way back in though and all he has to do is hire a hitman to kill Ben and Arthur. The church really is tough on homosexuality.

The guy must have had a change of heart though as just smears lipstick over Ben instead (yeah, it’s supposed to be blood). He survives but a detective comes round to ask Victor some questions and then speaks to the priest and we never see him again. Nice meeting you!

This all sends Arthur a little over the edge and after learning of the priest’s involvement, he kills him by setting him on fire in the campest way possible. That’s how you win the moral argument! There’s been nothing to suggest Arthur of being capable of murder beforehand but then again, you might argue this is some of Victor’s own madness leaking through into Arthur. So on this occasion, maybe I’m not giving the makers enough credit.

This brings us to the finale. Victor goes to their apartment and shoots Ben dead. This is where the editor discovered the blur effect and dammit he is going to use it as Arthur cradles Ben’s dead body for two minutes. Victor then makes Arthur renounce his sinful ways at gun point, strips him naked and baptises him. But he’s only using bath water and he’s not an ordained minister so I’m pretty sure it doesn’t count.

Victor then goes out for a breather because movie, allowing Arthur to get the gun Ben’s ex-wife brought earlier (I told you it would be important). After implying that Victor is just repressing his own sexuality, the two brothers shoot each other dead. Nobody wins but the audience loses.

There are two sensitive issues in place here: homosexuality and religious faith. It requires subtlety and this is as subtle as a brick to the face. The two may never be openly compatible but I feel like what this film really needed was a third voice to say they don’t need to be openly hostile. It just feels like the message coming out from this is: this is pretty shitty, it's going to stay shitty, so what you gonna do?

I don’t have the answers but that’s my opinion. Can’t we all just get along?

The film sucks.

Number 61: I Accuse my Parents (1944)

Coming to us all the way from the forties, I Accuse My Parents is the oldest film on this whole list. A dubious honour but it is always interesting to see how times and styles have changed. But bad movies are timeless.

So, what we have here is a young man on trial in court and when asked what he has to say for himself, he replies ‘I accuse my parents!’ And thus we have our title. And what shocking things did these so-called parents do to this young man, well let’s take a look:

Our young man Jimmy (because everyone was called Jimmy in the forties) has won an essay contest describing the perfect American family. It’s an antiquated idea of the family with father out working while mother stays at home to cook, clean and bring up baby but that’s by-the-by. But it’s all a sham for father is a workaholic-gambler and mother is an alcoholic who don’t give Jimmy the attention he feels he deserves. His mother embarrasses Jimmy by turning up drunk to a function at his school.

Jimmy gets a job at a shoe shop and meets attractive young lady Kitty, a lounge singer. The bar she sings at is owned by shady criminal Blake (I blame the parents). Jimmy starts doing the odd jobs for Blake to earn some money (parents fault). Kitty tries to warn him off but Jimmy’s having none of it (those parents again). Unfortunately for Jimmy, Blake has the hots for Kitty too and doesn’t take kindly to him moving in on his woman.

Blake sets Jimmy up for a robbery and then tries to have Jimmy killed but he escapes and leaves towns (damn those parents). He meets a creepy guy who owns a diner, who persuades him to return and give himself in.

He confronts Blake first and accidentally kills him which brings us full circle (and its all those pesky parents, is there no depth to which they won't sink?). And as I’m sure you can see, this is all the parents fault. Jimmy gives a whiney monologue about how they didn’t give him the love he needed and that’s why he became a criminal.

Ridiculously, the judge agrees with this. Jimmy still has to serve time for his crimes but the judge is in no doubt it’s all the parents fault.

Mum and Dad aren’t ever going to win parents of the year but the idea they are responsible for Jimmy falling into crime is ridiculous. Take some responsibility for your own actions, Jimmy. Your parents didn't force you to work for a mob boss.

At least there isn’t a narrator, and many films of the time would have had one so at least we can be thankful for that.

I think the story must have been wrote by a group of overbearing teenagers: blame the parents; absolve the kids. I might have tolerated it if not for the infuriating ending where we're told we don't ever have to take personal responsibility, we can always blame someone else. Silly film with a silly message.

(these are from Imdb Bottom 100 movies list as it was on 31st August 2015)