Number 52: Ator the Invincible (1984)
Oh alright, I love Conan
films.
‘What is best in life?’
‘To crush your enemies. See them driven before you. Hear the
lamentations of their women.’
Although, Arnie looks a little smaller here. His hairs
longer than I remember and I don’t remember him having a mute sidekick before.
Wait a minute, this isn’t Schwarzenegger at all and this isn’t Conan at all.
It’s just a cheap rip-off.
A very cheap rip-off. I’m not even being cute. Also known as The Blade Master, Ator is a
trilogy of Italian films made for the sole purpose of cashing in on the success
of Conan the Barbarian.
You realise early on how little money was spent on this when
the heroes are running across a field and their enemies are chasing after them
on foot. The budget didn’t extend to horses.
This being the second film, we are given a recap of the
events of the first film. Which is a nice acknowledgement from the makers that
no one would have seen it.
Ator’s old teacher Akronas has discovered a new devastating
explosive power but a former student of his, Zor, wants his secret for bad
purposes. And he wants to show off his impressive moustache. Or it would be
impressive if I wasn’t so sure it was stuck on. Akronas’ daughter Mila escapes
and goes to find Ator to sort everything out. As is tradition with all
attractive women in fantasy movies, she is wearing a very short leather dress
but has complimented it with a hubcap across her chest.
It is here where the fun and frolics begin. Well, frolics
anyway.
After fighting off standard goons, they fight invisible
enemies (did I mention the cheap budget?) and cave people. The film gets
distracted for a while as I guess the director realised they didn’t have enough
material for a feature length film so go on a side-quest to kill a cult of
snake-worshippers. Remember the great scene in Conan the Barbarian when Arnie fights the giant snake? This is
nowhere near as good as that but if you have ever wondered what it’s like to
see a man wrestle a giant cuddly toy in a film, look no further.
We get back on track when Ator makes up for lost time when
he rushes to the final battle by flying a hang-glider (yes, a hang glider. Kurt
Russell surfing in Escape from LA
doesn’t seem so silly now, does it?) to Akronas’ castle. Where did he get it?
Who knows, by this point I’ve already seen Ator fight thin air, wrestle a toy
and heard snakes growl. What does a hang-glider matter now?
The final fight between Ator and Zor is very underwhelming.
Just a regular sword battle and Zor is killed. After everything before it’s a
big disappointment. There should have been a swarm of bees involved or something.
So, to summarise Ator
the Invincible. Well, he’s no Conan that’s for sure. Conan movies might be
silly but at least make sense within their own universe. Nothing makes sense in
Ator. Cavemen, barbarians and
medieval architecture all exist within the same universe. Miles O’Keefe as Ator
is a worse actor than Arnold Schwarzenegger. I’ll repeat that: Miles O’Keefe as
Ator is a worse actor than Arnold Schwarzenegger.
There is another Ator film. But that’s another story…
Number 51: The Bat People (1974)
I’m struggling with this one.
Purely because I’m struggling to find anything interesting
to say about The Bat People.
It is remarkable just how unremarkable this film is. The bad
acting and poor production goes without saying but there are no big names in
the cast to vent over. It’s just a nothing TV movie.
It’s a basic vampire film, just they transform into man-bat
creatures at night instead.
You have a couple, John and Cathy, on their honeymoon but
unfortunately John gets bit by a bat. I guess it must have been radioactive or
something because it causes him to turn into a bat creature at night. If comics
have taught me anything it is that animal bites always cause you to take on
characteristics of that animal. It’s implied it’s a reaction to an experimental
serum he’s been taking but I think it is definitely the bite. Anyway, it puts a
bit of a dampener on their honeymoon.
Naturally, nobody believes it when John says he turns into a
bat. Apart from one scientist, who says, ‘He believes it, so it must be true.’
Because that’s how science works. Don’t waste your time with research and
experiments, just believe in it and it is so.
People start turning up dead in unusual circumstances so
they start taking his claims more seriously. When I say more seriously, I mean
they think John is the killer not that he turns into a bat.
There’s a cop on the trail who I guess is supposed to be a
villain but doesn’t really do much other than have hots for John’s wife, Cathy.
He tracks John down to a cave where he witnesses John make his ‘transformation’,
which is basically putting on a gorilla mask.
The cop tries to use Cathy to lure John out but in a twist a
four year old can see coming, she’s a bat person too. The spoiler is in the
title.
The one interesting thing in this is the expression on the
faces when a transformation is about to happen. Let’s just say, they look
excited.
This film happened. It exists, that is as interesting as you
can say.
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