Number 50: Dream.net (2009)
Another film from Hungary, what do the not-so-Magical
Magyars have to offer us this time?
I suppose the best way to describe it is Mean Girls meets Bring It On. Mean Girls Bring
It On would be a good title.
Regina is a spoilt, rich girl, the most popular girl in
school and entirely superficial. Then one day her parents change her school. I
don’t really understand why, they haven’t moved anywhere. I guess they thought
it would be good for her?
Naturally, she doesn’t fit in at her new school and falls
foul of the schools current reigning queen bee, Lívia. The only person who seems to
like her is Mark, a musician who also happens to be Regina’s neighbour and has
a crush on her. To help her fit in, Regina starts a new cheerleading squad and
wins over her former enemies.
This puts Regina in an awkward position, caught between her old
friends and her new ones as there is an upcoming basketball match between the
two schools. She is also caught between Mark and her former boyfriend, David
who is the spitting image of Chris Evans (the Captain America one, not the TFI
Friday one).
So the game comes and they have a, erm, cheer off and Regina’s new
school go on to win the game. Which I guess means they won the cheerleading as
well and Regina is most popular girl in school again. There's a prom, Regina
and Mark reveal their feelings, she gets crowned prom queen. High school in
Hungary is a lot like high school in America it seems.
And there’s a gag reel in the credits. Well, you’ve got to find
something to laugh at I suppose.
Should say a little something about the title, dream.net (or Álom.net) is a mysterious social media website that seems to act as a
Cupid service.
One of my main gripes with this film, is
that it rather puts me in mind of Chris Lilley’s Ja’mie: Public Schoolgirl. It’s nowhere near as clever or funny as
that but it’s the point that just like Ja’mie, you never get any sense that
Regina has learnt anything from the experience, she is still just as shallow at
the end as she is at the start. Which makes the whole thing a waste of time,
superficiality conquers all.
The principal looks a lot like Vladimir
Putin too.
Number 49: Titanic: The Legend Goes
On…(2000)
If you have a film that is wildly
successful, it is inevitable there will be imitators looking to cash in. In
this case it’s James Cameron’s 1997 epic Titanic.
There is a problem with adapting the
Titanic story into a children’s cartoon of course, namely that most of the
people on board died.
Now, don’t get confused when watching
this because though the animation looks like it comes from the 1940’s, this was
actually made in the year 2000.
The quality of the voice acting is abysmal, as if they just grabbed people off the street, didn't give them any context and just told them, 'Read this.'
They do keep the main romantic story
from Cameron’s movie but they switch it around so now that Jack (called William
in this) is the wealthy socialite and Rose (Angelica) is the poor, working
class one. Angelica actually has a Cinderella story arc where her wicked
step-mother and two ugly step-sisters won’t let her go to the ball. No
seriously, that is a thing here just that instead of a fairy godmother it is
her new animal friends who get her a dress so she can go to the ball.
Apart from William and Angelica, all the
other human characters are dodgy in some way or other. Everyone seems to be
either a thief or a scammer. Seriously, I think to get on board Titanic you
needed to have committed at least five felonies.
There’s all the animal characters as
well you have to put up with, brought in to cutify this tragedy in which 1517 people (wiki) lost their lives. And it is a case of putting up with them, they
are real Disney rejects.
The good thing about watching a movie
about Titanic is knowing what is going to happen and by the time the iceberg
hits, you have been praying for it. And when it does happen, keeping in line
with the rest of the movie, it is entirely underwhelming. The ship doesn’t so
much hit the iceberg, as gently breeze a few metres away from it.
This is still enough to cause the ship
to sink of course and everyone makes their escapes. Apart from the captain who
goes down with his ship. As some of you may know, Captain Edward Smith was
believed (but not substantiated) to have killed himself on the bridge of the
Titanic, shooting himself in the head. In a harrowing scene, this is fully
depicted here in gory, graphic detail…of course it isn’t but imagine if it was,
it would have made a much more interesting film. Imagine having to explain that
to your kids.
William sacrifices himself so Angelica
can get away on one of the lifeboats. Once on the lifeboat, Angelica sees
someone floating in the water and thinks it might be Will but it isn’t so she
throws him back in the water. No she doesn’t but she thought about it I tell
you. She does find him in the end though.
All the animals get off too though and
are brought back to land by dolphins. Well why not?
The film ends telling us what happened
to all the characters after Titanic. So, it’s a happily ever after ending.
If you forget about the 1517 people who
died.
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