Number 54: Ghosts Can’t Do It (1989)
Sometimes, mistakes get made, even here at Bad Movies HQ.
I’d watched the film, had my review all written out until I found out there was
one small, tiny little problem: I’d watched the wrong film.
It turns out there is a film with a very similar title to
this called Ghosts Can Do It, a
strange Australian comedy film with Pamela Stephenson. Watching that was my
first mistake. My second was finding the right movie to watch.
Ghosts Can Do It
is by no means good but Ghosts Can’t Do
It is just plain terrible and fully deserving of its four Razzie awards. If you aren't aware of the Razzie awards, they are like the Oscars for bad movies and usually happen about a week before. Most actors don't turn up to receive their awards but some are game for it. They create good bits of trivia such as Sandra Bullock being the only actress to have picked up the Razzie for worst actress and Oscar for Best actress in the same year.
What happens in this film is you have married couple Scott and Kate,
very much in love but Scott is at least 30 years older than his young wife.
Scott is played by late Anthony Quinn, another Oscar winning actor on the list,
while Kate is played by Bo Derek, who just sucks as an actress. Sure Ten was a success but that was nothing
to do with her.
Scott has a heart attack and rather than wait to die, he
commits suicide. In the gateway between worlds he meets an angel played by
Julie Newmar. She gives Scott the opportunity to return to life but he needs to
persuade his wife to kill a man so he can possess his body. So Scott comes back
as a ghost to convince Kate to find a body for him.
When people hear Kate speaking to her dead husband they
naturally assume she’s gone loopy but now that she’s single, lots of menfolk
are now making plays for her much to Scott’s chagrin.
The film takes a break in the middle from the main plot to
give us a story about sorting out Scott’s business affairs, which includes
bartering with Donald Trump. And as the credits point out ‘yes, that really is
Donald Trump!’ Wow, what a scoop! We are so lucky. At the time of writing,
Donald Trump (who won a Razzie for his cameo here) is running to become the
Republican candidate in the US Presidential election and I can’t decide if his
hairpiece was more preposterous now or then?
After Kate has a very casual conversation with a hitman (who
has been sent to force her to miss an important business meeting) about whether
it’s worse to be raped or murdered, everything is sorted out. I think I must be
missing a few minutes because Kate just switches about locations with no
explanation how she got there or how anything was resolved.
Now that’s all done with back to the main plot. Scott and
Kate find a body to takeover but Kate gets cold feet about committing murder.
Apparently a body has to be near to death before Scott can take control of it
which allows a moral loophole, where Kate saves the young man from drowning and
as she is resuscitating him this gives Scott the opportunity to return to life.
Everyone lives happily ever after. Apart from the man whose
body Scott took over. He’s still dead.
It gets really sickening listening to Scott and Kate being
so lovey-dovey all the way through because firstly, Bo Derek is such a horrible
actress and two because Scott just never comes across as being likeable
character. They try and justify it all by making out the guy whose body they
took over is a shallow opportunist but at no point are you rooting for Scott.
There’s no doubt to me this was a vanity project from writer
and director, John Derek. He was married to Bo Derek and coincidentally, he was
30 years older than her. To show there is some justice in the world, this film
won the Razzie for Worst Film and Worst Director.
So, don’t watch Ghosts
Can’t Do It. Watch Ghosts Can Do It instead.
Or better yet, don’t watch either.
Number 53: Zombie Nightmare (1987)
Zombies. Heavy metal. Adam West.
That’s it really. And Tia Carrere. I’m a big fan of Tia
Carrere, I must have seen at least five episodes of Relic Hunter.
Writing this in 2015, the last decade has seen a zombie
explosion in films, TV, comics and video games. It may be a little unfair on Zombie Nightmare as it came before but
this over-saturation makes it difficult for me to get hyped about another zombie
film.
Coming to us from Canada, the film starts with a guy being
stabbed and killed while trying to protect a black girl from a pair of teenage
thugs. His son Tony grows up and is also stabbed by another gang of teenage
thugs, including Tia Carrere (shwing).
This is too much for his mother to bear and she goes to see
a voodoo lady who brings him back from the dead as a zombie, who cannot rest in
peace until he has taken revenge on his killers.
So predictably from there, all the gang members are slowly picked
off one by one. Adam West, with a terrific moustache, is a police captain who
just wants all the deaths swept under the carpet. Unfortunately for him, he has
a new, young detective on his force who just won’t let things lie.
With the gang members all taken out there is one loose end
and in what is actually a pretty good call-back, we learn Adam West was the
thug who stabbed Tony’s father at the beginning of the movie and the voodoo
lady who raised the zombies was the girl he had attacked.
West gets his comeuppance and is quite literally dragged to
hell.
It’s occurs to me I’ve watched a film with Julie Newmar in
it and then one with Adam West right after. A weird cosmic fate that has
brought Batman and Catwoman together once more. For the record, despite the
overall campness of the 1960’s Batman
TV series, there are still those who proclaim Newmar to be the best on screen
portrayal of Catwoman. If only they were both in one of these films together,
one of them could have been a little less awful.
Not much else to Zombie
Nightmare. Heavy metal soundtrack might be good if you like that sort of
thing. Some shockingly bad acting on display throughout. When you are looking to Adam West to add some grit to proceedings, you know you are in trouble.
Some funny bits of dialogue, such as when a young woman
tells one of the guys she is ‘old enough to be your sister.’ Erm, wouldn’t any
woman be old enough to be your sister?
It’s watchable but if you must watch one zombie film, do
yourself a favour and watch Night of the
Living Dead. Not only the best zombie movie ever made but arguably the best
horror film ever made.
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