Number 48: Girl in Gold Boots (1968)
Girl in Gold Boots. Well, it does have a girl
in gold boots in it, so at least it delivers on that count.
It’s a low budget exploitation film from
the 60’s. The main character is a lady called Michele, working as a waitress in
a diner but with dreams of being a dancer. But you know, all the characters are
so dully generic in this I’m not even going to bother naming them. And I think this will make the film seem at least a hundred times more exciting than it is.
Shady Guy comes in and offers her the
chance to go out to Los Angeles. Dancing girl accepts his offer after a
conversation with her alcoholic father doesn’t go so well.
One problem, Shady Guy doesn’t have
money to get out to LA so needs Dancing Girl to pay for it. They pick up Hippy
Guy along the way, who we learn later is a draft dodger.
Shady Guy doesn’t like Hippy Guy as he
thinks he’s making moves on Dancing Girl (which to be fair, he is).
They do make it to LA and see all its
bright lights. They manage to make Los Angeles look a lot like Las Vegas, just
minus the casinos.
Shady Guy introduces Dancing Girl to his
sister, Gold Boots Girl. She’s the premier dancer in a nightclub owned by
Mobster man. Gold Boots Girl is able to get Dancing Girl an audition to be in
her chorus line, so at least Shady Guy was being honest that he could get her
an audition.
Despite the fact that Dancing Girl sucks
as a dancer, Mobster Man puts her in anyway.
Shady Guy has his own deal going on with
Mobster Man selling drugs and Hippy Guy becomes a cleaner in the nightclub.
Hippy Guy goes through the most character development out of all the characters
in the film. And by development, I mean he shaves off his beard. Hippy Guy
finds out about the drugs being pushed from the nightclubs and tries to get
Dancing Girl out.
But Dancing Girl has been promoted to
New Gold Boots Girl as the old Gold Boots Girl is a junkie and can’t go on
anymore. The Artist Formerly Known as Gold Boots Girl persuades the new one to
get out while she can but Mobster Man isn’t keen on letting her go so Hippy Guy
beats everyone up and calls the police.
The former Dancing Girl and Hippy Guy go
to the beach and she does more ‘dancing’.
That’s it.
Just a poorly made film where it’s hard
to follow because the sound levels are all messed up so the background music
drowns out the dialogue. The characters are as generic as they come, with no
interesting features about them.
You might enjoy some of the songs I guess, though the dance routines look incredibly basic. Skip through Hippy Guy's pretentious country music though.
Number 47: Eegah (1962)
Have you ever wondered what it would be
like if a caveman was still alive in the 1960’s? Well, wonder no more, Eegah has you covered.
And it’s not all that interesting
really.
So it starts with a girl, Roxy, driving
out to meet her boyfriend in the middle of a deserted road because that’s where
all the cool kids hang out. Anyway, it’s here that she first encounters the
caveman but he’s scared off when her boyfriend’s car arrives with its fancy,
flashing lights.
She convinces her Dad and boyfriend
about what she saw and they go off looking for our Eegah. After messing around
with boyfriend Tom listening to his awful songs and mucking about in a dune
buggy, they go off looking for the caveman.
Roxy gets caught by the caveman and
brought back to his cave in the mountain where he has already caught her
father. In a sequence that seems to go on forever, we spend time inside the
cave learning all about the giant Eegah. Eegah by the way, is played by Richard
Kiel better known to movie fans as Jaws from the James Bond movies The Spy Who Loved Me and Moonraker.
Eegah gives them dinner which consists
of a raw animal bone and sulphur water. His guests aren’t too impressed by this
but try to stomach it anyway because they don’t want to upset him. I like to
imagine Eegah is well aware of this and has a store of cakes and sweets in the
next, erm, cave.
He introduces him to his relatives who
are now long dead. It’s rather like Red
Dwarf when they first meet Kryten and he’s in denial that his crew have
been dead for thousands of years.
They give Eegah a shave for, reasons. It
would have been easier to have just pulled off his obviously fake beard. This is the second film in a row where a character loses his beard, what did the film industry have against beards in the 60's?
Now, with a caveman who has been on his
own for a while and an attractive young woman, we know what this is building to
but before Eegah gets his chance to get some, he is tricked into letting them
out the cave and the girl and her father make their escape.
Eegah follows them into town and
typically he is bemused and doesn’t understand what is happening around him.
Which makes him angry and destructive as he goes on a rampage through the town.
Eegah eventually finds Roxy at a party
where terrible music is being played and gets shot by some cops. I think they
were trying for a King Kong vibe
where Roxy tries to protect Eegah, as he doesn’t know any better but it fails
on all levels.
The really sad thing about this film is
Richard Kiel is probably the best actor in it. And he only speaks in grunts.
I found myself wondering how Arch Hall
Jr, who plays Roxy’s boyfriend Tom, was ever able to get cast in a movie. Then
I looked at the credits and all became clear. This film was directed by one
Arch Hall Sr, who also plays Roxy’s Dad, and now it all makes sense. Look at
the acting credits for Arch Hall Jr, cross reference them with films written by
Hall Sr and see that nepotism was very much alive and well. That wouldn't be so bad if only we didn't have to listen to his awful songs as well. Two movies in a row where not content with denying us beards, they insist on inflicting bad music on us too.
I sense they were trying, bless ‘em but
unfortunately they were let down by a general lack of any talent. Hate it when that happens.
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