IMDB Bottom 100: No's 46 & 45 (Kinda) - Surf School and Danes Without a Clue

Number 46: Surf School (2006)

Yeah, brah. It’s teen surf comedy, brah. How could you not like that, brah?

Well, if you have half a brain actually. I’m sure surfing is great fun and all but it doesn’t make for the best movies. Couple it with sub-American Pie ‘humour’ and you get a real shit pile on your hands.

I don’t know why, but every time I watch a new film I always think ‘Well, it has to be better than the last.’ Which is idiotic, since I’m going down the list from 100. I’ve already seen the best IMDB’s Bottom 100 has to offer but somehow I live in hope that I’ll find some hidden gem, really undeserving of its placing. Surf School is not that gem.

I’ve already alluded to American Pie, so now let’s tackle that head on. American Pie was a decent enough teen comedy released in 1999. The problem is that it was a massive success. There were teen comedies before that of course but they weren’t quite as explicit as American Pie. In Hollywood, if something works once they’ll try and make it work a hundred times over. So films like Road Trip, Van Wilder and American Pie’s own sequels all came out in quick succession. There was an idea for a while American Pie could become the new National Lampoon, a whole glut of films only loosely related to each other. That experiment died quickly but Surf School was the latest in that line but probably missed the boat by a couple years.

So you get the usual horny teen jokes throughout. Sisqo is probably the biggest name involved in this but I’m pretty sure that’s just to make one joke. They’re on a beach looking at a woman in a bikini and he says ‘I could make a song about that thong.’ Ooh the irony (and pain) of it.

So story, Jordan moves to California in his senior high school year but finds himself pushed to the social fringes with the goth girl, the nerd, the horny punk kid and there’s no good way to put this, the black guy. I’m sure that’s not the intention but that is the only thing that marks Sisqo’s character out from the popular crew.

The bullies are surfing champions and are competing in a competition in Costa Rica. Jordan and his gang of misfits decide they are going to compete as well, despite the fact none of them have ever surfed before.

They fly out to Costa Rica where they stay in a hostel run by a hippy couple keen to espouse their hippy wisdom to their young minds. And we get, goddammit, more singing. I’m sensing that’s turning into a thing with these films. Bad movies have bad songs.

It turns out Goth girl is a good singer. Not as good as the film characters make out but decent enough. She goes on an arc where we find out her black hair is actually just a wig for her blonde hair and she is at heart a Valley girl. Superficiality wins again.

Jordan and his gang meet a guy called Rip, a former surfing champion now alcoholic, who is going to teach them to surf. It turns out he’s actually a good teacher and they are quite good at surfing. And that’s a problem. It is all too easy for them. Surfing from what I gather is not an easy thing to do and they all pick it up really quickly. Just going to Costa Rica was way too easy, no one had to worry about how they were going to pay for it or if they were going to be given permission. There’s no real hardship to make their eventual triumph mean something.

The competition comes, they struggle at the start but come back, blah, blah, blah. You already know they’re going to win, its typical Disney stuff in a non-Disney movie.

Predictable story, puerile jokes. Just like an American Pie spin-off movie. Brah.

Number 45: Danes Without a Clue (1997)

Forget about those clueless Danes, let me tell you about what I’ve had to go through here.

I wanted to find the 100 bottom films but it can’t be done. I have spent days searching for this and I just can’t find it anywhere. I’ve found a couple clips but nothing substantial. I searched under both its English and original Danish titles with no luck.

I thought I could maybe import a DVD copy of it but no luck there either. So, I’ve come up with a solution: a substitution.

I first started this list on 31^st August 2015 and that is the list I work from. But the IMDB Bottom 100 exists in a state of flux, with new entries coming in all the time so I’ll take a film from there that wasn’t on my original list and swap it with Danes Without a Clue. A compromise maybe but I will still have seen 100 of the worst films.

You got lucky this time, Denmark but I don’t want to see you around here again.

So, without further ado…

Number 45: Troll 2 (1990)

As a delightful treat, Troll 2 has made its return into the IMDB Bottom 100. Currently number 93 on the list, this is too good an opportunity to pass up.

A long time holder of the uncoveted number one spot, Troll 2 has quite the cult following. It is the subject of its own documentary, Best Worst Movie. It has an awful director, terrible actors, a horrible script and a ridiculous story. It’s as if someone was playing The Producers in real life.

To start with what’s wrong here you only need look at the title: Troll 2. There are no trolls in this movie, this is actually about goblins. Goblins disguised as people, as is well established in goblin folklore.

Story is about a family who go to take a vacation in a town called Nilbog (its Goblin spelt backwards, you see? Isn’t that clever? Well, it’s the cleverest thing you’ll see here). The goblins are turning people into vegetables and eating them. Again, as is well established in goblin folklore. Just like Tolkien used to write.

But this isn’t about the ‘story’. Because you’ll be spending most of the time trying to decide just who the worst actor in this is.

The kid, Joshua, is bad but child actors are pretty terrible in general. The mum doesn’t have much going for her. The Dad is pretty bad but does at least have some memorable moments (‘you don’t piss on hospitality’). For a while I was convinced it was the teenage daughter, Molly. But there was a clear winner, it couldn’t not be this guy:

There are some hilariously bad moments amongst the just generally bad acting on display. Moments such as:

-         - The above scene where people are turned to vegetables and eaten

-         - A man being dragged across the floor in a flowerpot

-        -  A guy being drowned in popcorn

-        -  The family holding a séance and then having it dawn on them that none of them know how to hold a séance.

There are too many things to list here but I fully recommend you watch this. It is the perfect example of a ‘so-bad-its-good’ movie. You’ll laugh so hard until you realise it’s not a comedy.

George Hardy, who plays Michael, the father in the family, has said that when they were making this the actors would often talk to each other about how strange the script seemed to them but they trusted the director who told them it would all make sense. Their trust was clearly misplaced.

I wasn’t supposed to be watching this but thank you Denmark. I can guarantee that whatever your film was about, it wouldn’t have been as much fun as this was.

IMDB Bottom 100: No's 48 & 47 - Girl in Gold Boots and Eegah

Number 48: Girl in Gold Boots (1968)

Girl in Gold Boots. Well, it does have a girl in gold boots in it, so at least it delivers on that count.

It’s a low budget exploitation film from the 60’s. The main character is a lady called Michele, working as a waitress in a diner but with dreams of being a dancer. But you know, all the characters are so dully generic in this I’m not even going to bother naming them. And I think this will make the film seem at least a hundred times more exciting than it is.

Shady Guy comes in and offers her the chance to go out to Los Angeles. Dancing girl accepts his offer after a conversation with her alcoholic father doesn’t go so well.

One problem, Shady Guy doesn’t have money to get out to LA so needs Dancing Girl to pay for it. They pick up Hippy Guy along the way, who we learn later is a draft dodger.

Shady Guy doesn’t like Hippy Guy as he thinks he’s making moves on Dancing Girl (which to be fair, he is).

They do make it to LA and see all its bright lights. They manage to make Los Angeles look a lot like Las Vegas, just minus the casinos.

Shady Guy introduces Dancing Girl to his sister, Gold Boots Girl. She’s the premier dancer in a nightclub owned by Mobster man. Gold Boots Girl is able to get Dancing Girl an audition to be in her chorus line, so at least Shady Guy was being honest that he could get her an audition.

Despite the fact that Dancing Girl sucks as a dancer, Mobster Man puts her in anyway.

Shady Guy has his own deal going on with Mobster Man selling drugs and Hippy Guy becomes a cleaner in the nightclub. Hippy Guy goes through the most character development out of all the characters in the film. And by development, I mean he shaves off his beard. Hippy Guy finds out about the drugs being pushed from the nightclubs and tries to get Dancing Girl out.

But Dancing Girl has been promoted to New Gold Boots Girl as the old Gold Boots Girl is a junkie and can’t go on anymore. The Artist Formerly Known as Gold Boots Girl persuades the new one to get out while she can but Mobster Man isn’t keen on letting her go so Hippy Guy beats everyone up and calls the police.

The former Dancing Girl and Hippy Guy go to the beach and she does more ‘dancing’.

That’s it.

Just a poorly made film where it’s hard to follow because the sound levels are all messed up so the background music drowns out the dialogue. The characters are as generic as they come, with no interesting features about them.

You might enjoy some of the songs I guess, though the dance routines look incredibly basic. Skip through Hippy Guy's pretentious country music though.

Number 47: Eegah (1962)

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a caveman was still alive in the 1960’s? Well, wonder no more, Eegah has you covered.

And it’s not all that interesting really.

So it starts with a girl, Roxy, driving out to meet her boyfriend in the middle of a deserted road because that’s where all the cool kids hang out. Anyway, it’s here that she first encounters the caveman but he’s scared off when her boyfriend’s car arrives with its fancy, flashing lights.

She convinces her Dad and boyfriend about what she saw and they go off looking for our Eegah. After messing around with boyfriend Tom listening to his awful songs and mucking about in a dune buggy, they go off looking for the caveman.

Roxy gets caught by the caveman and brought back to his cave in the mountain where he has already caught her father. In a sequence that seems to go on forever, we spend time inside the cave learning all about the giant Eegah. Eegah by the way, is played by Richard Kiel better known to movie fans as Jaws from the James Bond movies The Spy Who Loved Me and Moonraker.

Eegah gives them dinner which consists of a raw animal bone and sulphur water. His guests aren’t too impressed by this but try to stomach it anyway because they don’t want to upset him. I like to imagine Eegah is well aware of this and has a store of cakes and sweets in the next, erm, cave.

He introduces him to his relatives who are now long dead. It’s rather like Red Dwarf when they first meet Kryten and he’s in denial that his crew have been dead for thousands of years.

They give Eegah a shave for, reasons. It would have been easier to have just pulled off his obviously fake beard. This is the second film in a row where a character loses his beard, what did the film industry have against beards in the 60's?

Now, with a caveman who has been on his own for a while and an attractive young woman, we know what this is building to but before Eegah gets his chance to get some, he is tricked into letting them out the cave and the girl and her father make their escape.

Eegah follows them into town and typically he is bemused and doesn’t understand what is happening around him. Which makes him angry and destructive as he goes on a rampage through the town.

Eegah eventually finds Roxy at a party where terrible music is being played and gets shot by some cops. I think they were trying for a King Kong vibe where Roxy tries to protect Eegah, as he doesn’t know any better but it fails on all levels.

The really sad thing about this film is Richard Kiel is probably the best actor in it. And he only speaks in grunts.

I found myself wondering how Arch Hall Jr, who plays Roxy’s boyfriend Tom, was ever able to get cast in a movie. Then I looked at the credits and all became clear. This film was directed by one Arch Hall Sr, who also plays Roxy’s Dad, and now it all makes sense. Look at the acting credits for Arch Hall Jr, cross reference them with films written by Hall Sr and see that nepotism was very much alive and well. That wouldn't be so bad if only we didn't have to listen to his awful songs as well. Two movies in a row where not content with denying us beards, they insist on inflicting bad music on us too.

I sense they were trying, bless ‘em but unfortunately they were let down by a general lack of any talent. Hate it when that happens.

IMDB Bottom 100: No's 50 & 49 - Dream.net and Titanic: The Legend Goes On

Number 50: Dream.net (2009)

Another film from Hungary, what do the not-so-Magical Magyars have to offer us this time?

I suppose the best way to describe it is Mean Girls meets Bring It On. Mean Girls Bring It On would be a good title.

Regina is a spoilt, rich girl, the most popular girl in school and entirely superficial. Then one day her parents change her school. I don’t really understand why, they haven’t moved anywhere. I guess they thought it would be good for her?

Naturally, she doesn’t fit in at her new school and falls foul of the schools current reigning queen bee, Lívia. The only person who seems to like her is Mark, a musician who also happens to be Regina’s neighbour and has a crush on her. To help her fit in, Regina starts a new cheerleading squad and wins over her former enemies.

This puts Regina in an awkward position, caught between her old friends and her new ones as there is an upcoming basketball match between the two schools. She is also caught between Mark and her former boyfriend, David who is the spitting image of Chris Evans (the Captain America one, not the TFI Friday one).

So the game comes and they have a, erm, cheer off and Regina’s new school go on to win the game. Which I guess means they won the cheerleading as well and Regina is most popular girl in school again. There's a prom, Regina and Mark reveal their feelings, she gets crowned prom queen. High school in Hungary is a lot like high school in America it seems.

And there’s a gag reel in the credits. Well, you’ve got to find something to laugh at I suppose.

Should say a little something about the title, dream.net (or Álom.net) is a mysterious social media website that seems to act as a Cupid service.

One of my main gripes with this film, is that it rather puts me in mind of Chris Lilley’s Ja’mie: Public Schoolgirl. It’s nowhere near as clever or funny as that but it’s the point that just like Ja’mie, you never get any sense that Regina has learnt anything from the experience, she is still just as shallow at the end as she is at the start. Which makes the whole thing a waste of time, superficiality conquers all.

The principal looks a lot like Vladimir Putin too.

Number 49: Titanic: The Legend Goes On…(2000)

If you have a film that is wildly successful, it is inevitable there will be imitators looking to cash in. In this case it’s James Cameron’s 1997 epic Titanic.

There is a problem with adapting the Titanic story into a children’s cartoon of course, namely that most of the people on board died.

Now, don’t get confused when watching this because though the animation looks like it comes from the 1940’s, this was actually made in the year 2000.

The quality of the voice acting is abysmal, as if they just grabbed people off the street, didn't give them any context and just told them, 'Read this.'

They do keep the main romantic story from Cameron’s movie but they switch it around so now that Jack (called William in this) is the wealthy socialite and Rose (Angelica) is the poor, working class one. Angelica actually has a Cinderella story arc where her wicked step-mother and two ugly step-sisters won’t let her go to the ball. No seriously, that is a thing here just that instead of a fairy godmother it is her new animal friends who get her a dress so she can go to the ball.

Apart from William and Angelica, all the other human characters are dodgy in some way or other. Everyone seems to be either a thief or a scammer. Seriously, I think to get on board Titanic you needed to have committed at least five felonies.

There’s all the animal characters as well you have to put up with, brought in to cutify this tragedy in which 1517 people (wiki) lost their lives. And it is a case of putting up with them, they are real Disney rejects.

The good thing about watching a movie about Titanic is knowing what is going to happen and by the time the iceberg hits, you have been praying for it. And when it does happen, keeping in line with the rest of the movie, it is entirely underwhelming. The ship doesn’t so much hit the iceberg, as gently breeze a few metres away from it.

This is still enough to cause the ship to sink of course and everyone makes their escapes. Apart from the captain who goes down with his ship. As some of you may know, Captain Edward Smith was believed (but not substantiated) to have killed himself on the bridge of the Titanic, shooting himself in the head. In a harrowing scene, this is fully depicted here in gory, graphic detail…of course it isn’t but imagine if it was, it would have made a much more interesting film. Imagine having to explain that to your kids.

William sacrifices himself so Angelica can get away on one of the lifeboats. Once on the lifeboat, Angelica sees someone floating in the water and thinks it might be Will but it isn’t so she throws him back in the water. No she doesn’t but she thought about it I tell you. She does find him in the end though.

All the animals get off too though and are brought back to land by dolphins. Well why not?

The film ends telling us what happened to all the characters after Titanic. So, it’s a happily ever after ending.

If you forget about the 1517 people who died.

IMDB Bottom 100: No's 52 & 51: Ator the Invinvible and The Bat People

Number 52: Ator the Invincible (1984)

Oh alright, I love Conan films.

‘What is best in life?’

‘To crush your enemies. See them driven before you. Hear the lamentations of their women.’

Although, Arnie looks a little smaller here. His hairs longer than I remember and I don’t remember him having a mute sidekick before. Wait a minute, this isn’t Schwarzenegger at all and this isn’t Conan at all. It’s just a cheap rip-off.

A very cheap rip-off. I’m not even being cute. Also known as The Blade Master, Ator is a trilogy of Italian films made for the sole purpose of cashing in on the success of Conan the Barbarian.

You realise early on how little money was spent on this when the heroes are running across a field and their enemies are chasing after them on foot. The budget didn’t extend to horses.

This being the second film, we are given a recap of the events of the first film. Which is a nice acknowledgement from the makers that no one would have seen it.

Ator’s old teacher Akronas has discovered a new devastating explosive power but a former student of his, Zor, wants his secret for bad purposes. And he wants to show off his impressive moustache. Or it would be impressive if I wasn’t so sure it was stuck on. Akronas’ daughter Mila escapes and goes to find Ator to sort everything out. As is tradition with all attractive women in fantasy movies, she is wearing a very short leather dress but has complimented it with a hubcap across her chest.

It is here where the fun and frolics begin. Well, frolics anyway.

After fighting off standard goons, they fight invisible enemies (did I mention the cheap budget?) and cave people. The film gets distracted for a while as I guess the director realised they didn’t have enough material for a feature length film so go on a side-quest to kill a cult of snake-worshippers. Remember the great scene in Conan the Barbarian when Arnie fights the giant snake? This is nowhere near as good as that but if you have ever wondered what it’s like to see a man wrestle a giant cuddly toy in a film, look no further.

We get back on track when Ator makes up for lost time when he rushes to the final battle by flying a hang-glider (yes, a hang glider. Kurt Russell surfing in Escape from LA doesn’t seem so silly now, does it?) to Akronas’ castle. Where did he get it? Who knows, by this point I’ve already seen Ator fight thin air, wrestle a toy and heard snakes growl. What does a hang-glider matter now?

The final fight between Ator and Zor is very underwhelming. Just a regular sword battle and Zor is killed. After everything before it’s a big disappointment. There should have been a swarm of bees involved or something.

So, to summarise Ator the Invincible. Well, he’s no Conan that’s for sure. Conan movies might be silly but at least make sense within their own universe. Nothing makes sense in Ator. Cavemen, barbarians and medieval architecture all exist within the same universe. Miles O’Keefe as Ator is a worse actor than Arnold Schwarzenegger. I’ll repeat that: Miles O’Keefe as Ator is a worse actor than Arnold Schwarzenegger.

There is another Ator film. But that’s another story…

Number 51: The Bat People (1974)

I’m struggling with this one.

Purely because I’m struggling to find anything interesting to say about The Bat People.

It is remarkable just how unremarkable this film is. The bad acting and poor production goes without saying but there are no big names in the cast to vent over. It’s just a nothing TV movie.

It’s a basic vampire film, just they transform into man-bat creatures at night instead.

You have a couple, John and Cathy, on their honeymoon but unfortunately John gets bit by a bat. I guess it must have been radioactive or something because it causes him to turn into a bat creature at night. If comics have taught me anything it is that animal bites always cause you to take on characteristics of that animal. It’s implied it’s a reaction to an experimental serum he’s been taking but I think it is definitely the bite. Anyway, it puts a bit of a dampener on their honeymoon.

Naturally, nobody believes it when John says he turns into a bat. Apart from one scientist, who says, ‘He believes it, so it must be true.’ Because that’s how science works. Don’t waste your time with research and experiments, just believe in it and it is so.

People start turning up dead in unusual circumstances so they start taking his claims more seriously. When I say more seriously, I mean they think John is the killer not that he turns into a bat.

There’s a cop on the trail who I guess is supposed to be a villain but doesn’t really do much other than have hots for John’s wife, Cathy. He tracks John down to a cave where he witnesses John make his ‘transformation’, which is basically putting on a gorilla mask.

The cop tries to use Cathy to lure John out but in a twist a four year old can see coming, she’s a bat person too. The spoiler is in the title.

The one interesting thing in this is the expression on the faces when a transformation is about to happen. Let’s just say, they look excited.

This film happened. It exists, that is as interesting as you can say.

IMDB Bottom 100: No's 54 & 53 - Ghosts Can't Do It and Zombie Nightmare

Number 54: Ghosts Can’t Do It (1989)

Sometimes, mistakes get made, even here at Bad Movies HQ. I’d watched the film, had my review all written out until I found out there was one small, tiny little problem: I’d watched the wrong film.

It turns out there is a film with a very similar title to this called Ghosts Can Do It, a strange Australian comedy film with Pamela Stephenson. Watching that was my first mistake. My second was finding the right movie to watch.

Ghosts Can Do It is by no means good but Ghosts Can’t Do It is just plain terrible and fully deserving of its four Razzie awards. If you aren't aware of the Razzie awards, they are like the Oscars for bad movies and usually happen about a week before. Most actors don't turn up to receive their awards but some are game for it. They create good bits of trivia such as Sandra Bullock being the only actress to have picked up the Razzie for worst actress and Oscar for Best actress in the same year.

What happens in this film is you have married couple Scott and Kate, very much in love but Scott is at least 30 years older than his young wife. Scott is played by late Anthony Quinn, another Oscar winning actor on the list, while Kate is played by Bo Derek, who just sucks as an actress. Sure Ten was a success but that was nothing to do with her.

Scott has a heart attack and rather than wait to die, he commits suicide. In the gateway between worlds he meets an angel played by Julie Newmar. She gives Scott the opportunity to return to life but he needs to persuade his wife to kill a man so he can possess his body. So Scott comes back as a ghost to convince Kate to find a body for him.

When people hear Kate speaking to her dead husband they naturally assume she’s gone loopy but now that she’s single, lots of menfolk are now making plays for her much to Scott’s chagrin.

The film takes a break in the middle from the main plot to give us a story about sorting out Scott’s business affairs, which includes bartering with Donald Trump. And as the credits point out ‘yes, that really is Donald Trump!’ Wow, what a scoop! We are so lucky. At the time of writing, Donald Trump (who won a Razzie for his cameo here) is running to become the Republican candidate in the US Presidential election and I can’t decide if his hairpiece was more preposterous now or then?

After Kate has a very casual conversation with a hitman (who has been sent to force her to miss an important business meeting) about whether it’s worse to be raped or murdered, everything is sorted out. I think I must be missing a few minutes because Kate just switches about locations with no explanation how she got there or how anything was resolved.

Now that’s all done with back to the main plot. Scott and Kate find a body to takeover but Kate gets cold feet about committing murder. Apparently a body has to be near to death before Scott can take control of it which allows a moral loophole, where Kate saves the young man from drowning and as she is resuscitating him this gives Scott the opportunity to return to life.

Everyone lives happily ever after. Apart from the man whose body Scott took over. He’s still dead.

It gets really sickening listening to Scott and Kate being so lovey-dovey all the way through because firstly, Bo Derek is such a horrible actress and two because Scott just never comes across as being likeable character. They try and justify it all by making out the guy whose body they took over is a shallow opportunist but at no point are you rooting for Scott.

There’s no doubt to me this was a vanity project from writer and director, John Derek. He was married to Bo Derek and coincidentally, he was 30 years older than her. To show there is some justice in the world, this film won the Razzie for Worst Film and Worst Director.

So, don’t watch Ghosts Can’t Do It. Watch Ghosts Can Do It instead. Or better yet, don’t watch either.

Number 53: Zombie Nightmare (1987)

Zombies. Heavy metal. Adam West.

That’s it really. And Tia Carrere. I’m a big fan of Tia Carrere, I must have seen at least five episodes of Relic Hunter.

Writing this in 2015, the last decade has seen a zombie explosion in films, TV, comics and video games. It may be a little unfair on Zombie Nightmare as it came before but this over-saturation makes it difficult for me to get hyped about another zombie film.

Coming to us from Canada, the film starts with a guy being stabbed and killed while trying to protect a black girl from a pair of teenage thugs. His son Tony grows up and is also stabbed by another gang of teenage thugs, including Tia Carrere (shwing).

This is too much for his mother to bear and she goes to see a voodoo lady who brings him back from the dead as a zombie, who cannot rest in peace until he has taken revenge on his killers.

So predictably from there, all the gang members are slowly picked off one by one. Adam West, with a terrific moustache, is a police captain who just wants all the deaths swept under the carpet. Unfortunately for him, he has a new, young detective on his force who just won’t let things lie.

With the gang members all taken out there is one loose end and in what is actually a pretty good call-back, we learn Adam West was the thug who stabbed Tony’s father at the beginning of the movie and the voodoo lady who raised the zombies was the girl he had attacked.

West gets his comeuppance and is quite literally dragged to hell.

It’s occurs to me I’ve watched a film with Julie Newmar in it and then one with Adam West right after. A weird cosmic fate that has brought Batman and Catwoman together once more. For the record, despite the overall campness of the 1960’s Batman TV series, there are still those who proclaim Newmar to be the best on screen portrayal of Catwoman. If only they were both in one of these films together, one of them could have been a little less awful.

Not much else to Zombie Nightmare. Heavy metal soundtrack might be good if you like that sort of thing. Some shockingly bad acting on display throughout. When you are looking to Adam West to add some grit to proceedings, you know you are in trouble.

Some funny bits of dialogue, such as when a young woman tells one of the guys she is ‘old enough to be your sister.’ Erm, wouldn’t any woman be old enough to be your sister?

It’s watchable but if you must watch one zombie film, do yourself a favour and watch Night of the Living Dead. Not only the best zombie movie ever made but arguably the best horror film ever made.

IMDB Bottom 100: No's 56 & 55 - The Incredibly Strange Creatures...and Legend of Drona

Number 56: The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies (1964)

There is a school of thought that less is more, that film titles should be short, snappy and to the point. Examples of this would be Star Wars, Gladiator, Snatch. This is not a philosophy shared by Gene Pollock and Robert Silliphant, the writers of The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies. Doesn’t that just roll off the tongue?

You’d think with a title like that, the film would be pretty self-explanatory wouldn’t you? But actually a more accurate title would be The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies but They Don’t Turn Up Until 10 Minutes Before the End and They Aren’t Even Really Zombies Anyway but You’ll Have to Sit Through 70 Minutes Of Tedium Before Then By Which Time You Would Have Forgotten All About Them Anyway.

The carnival is in town so there are lots of fairground rides and fun to be had. The fortune teller is the villain of the film and seems to have it in for all the dancing girls and wants them all dead. Why? No idea but everyone needs a hobby I guess. She hypnotises a young man called Jerry into killing one of them for her. But Jerry figures something is up and goes back to see her but she throws acid in his face.

The fortune teller tries to put Jerry in a cellar with all her other deformed creatures but they all break out, kill her and go on a rampage. The police show up and kill them all, Jerry gets shot off a cliff.

And that is really the whole movie in two short paragraphs, maybe 30 minutes of screen time. The rest of the film is taken up with nauseating shots of fairground rides and lots of song and dance numbers.

Some of those dance routines are of questionable racial sensitivity but it was a different time. Ignorance was perfectly acceptable back then,

The overly long title isn’t even accurate about the creatures you see at the end. They aren’t zombies, they are alive and they’re not even creatures really. Just slightly deformed people.

There is a bit of 60’s psychedelia vibe running through it and the camera often just films whatever it wants to, creating a feeling of nausea. But truthfully, apart from its stupid title, its just not a lot of fun.

Number 55: The Legend of Drona (2008)

Back to Bollywood now. Their films are always so colourful and fun.

As with my review of Khan the Con, I’m steering clear of the songs and trying just to focus on the film element.

How to summarise The Legend of Drona, well it’s got elements of Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, The Matrix, and Superman all mixed up in there. And yeah, a fair bit of the Prince of Persia games too.

It starts with a back story about the Drona, Guardians of the Universe. Which is pretty big-headed given they never leave Earth. Aditya (Abishek Bachchan, son of Amitabh Bachchan who is arguably the greatest actor in Bollywood history) is the latest in the line of Drona but is sent away at a young age to protect him from a demon called Riz Razaida. He lives with his Aunt and cousin who don’t seem overly fond of him (but his uncle is ok) and he has a room in the attic to sleep in.

He grows up working in their shop (which IMDB synopsis says is in Britain but it was filmed in Prague) and takes blame for everything. Poor guy is all lonesome and knows nothing of his heritage. Then one day he has a chance meeting with Riz, who is delighting the crowds with his magic. He is what will happen if David Copperfield ever turns bad, so keep an eye on that situation people.

Riz tries to capture Adi but this is where he finds out he’s not alone but has had people watching over him his whole life. That’s the Harry Potter sequence over with and we move into The Matrix portion of the film as Adi discovers he is The One. Sorry, Drona, he is Drona.

He is helped along by Trin…Sonia (Priyanka Chopra) as he discovers his destiny and learns the skills he will need to defeat Riz.

Riz is searching for the nectar of life that will grant him immortality. Though he seems quite long lived anyway so I’m not convinced he actually needs it. To find the nectar he actually needs Drona to take him to it, which ironically means the best course of action the good guys could have done is to do nothing and have just kept Adi in the dark about everything.

The rest of the time is taken up with a lot of travelling across the desert with some decent fight sequences against the Nazgul to break it up. Adi goes to see Gandalf (seriously, it’s not even subtle) to collect his Excalibur sword before his final fight with Riz.

They have a bit of a barney before Drona slays Riz and ‘saving the universe’, though I really didn’t see anything to suggest the universe was in any trouble. I’m not even convinced Earth was in much danger.

It’s a decent enough film give or take a few dodgy cgi effects and cardboard sets. After the last few films I’ve watched, it’s a pleasure just to see something made by someone who knows how to hold a camera.

What really lets this film down though is the acting. I appreciate Abishek Bachchan is supposed to be playing an everyman character but he’s too ordinary looking, I just can’t buy him as a superhero. Priyanka Chopra might actually be a tree. Kay Kay Menon just isn’t menacing enough as Riz to come across as a legitimate threat.

It’s ok but nothing more.

IMDB Bottom 100: No.s 58 & 57 - Copper Mountain and A Fox's Tale

Number 58: Copper Mountain (1983)

Copper Mountain could be worth checking out just for its curiosity value as it features Jim Carrey in one of his earliest film roles. If his IMDB profile is correct he would have been just 20 years old while he was filming this. It would be another decade before he would really hit the big time with Ace Ventura, but it’s interesting to see that even back then he was doing the rubber face-goofy voice shtick that would become his trademark.

His co-star in this is Alan Thicke, a man who made a career as a supporting actor in 100 different films and TV shows over the years. But perhaps his career highlight was composing the theme tune to Different Strokes (and yes, his son is Robin Thicke).

So how’s the movie? Well, bad films don’t move to the beat of just one drum.

It’s not really even a film. It’s only 60 minutes for one thing. And it comes off as a 60 minute infomercial for the Copper Mountain ski resort in Colorado. Lots of shots of the mountains, bars, restaurant, spa. It looks very nice, just the skiing part that puts me off.

Carrey and Thicke are Bobby and Jackson, two guys heading to the resort for different reasons. Jackson wants to join a pro-ski team while Bobby just wants to meet women. They say they come from Grimsby, which is Ontario but I like to imagine they mean Grimsby in Lincolnshire. It makes their story about chasing buffalo more interesting.

Jackson gets a chance to earn his spot on a pro-team in an, erm, ski-off but Bobby’s attempts to woo the ladies don’t go so well. Apparently, women don’t like it when you make silly noises and faces at them. I’m learning so much.

The film then takes a break to show a music concert from Romping Ronnie Hawkins. We don’t get just one song though, oh no, we get five. With Rita Coolidge too. A one hour film (shorter if you exclude the credits) and it is dragging itself out. 

I have looked up Ronnie Hawkins as its not a name I'm familiar with and it would seem he was a big pioneer in the early days of Rock ‘n’ Roll but never enjoyed the same sort of commercial success as his contemporaries. Still, that is no excuse for dragging out this segment and it makes Copper Mountain look a bit Butlins.

Jackson gets his spot on the team, despite losing his race because the guy he lost to is an employee of the resort and wants him to have it. Aren’t the staff lovely? While this is going on, Bobby finds the confidence to be himself after speaking to Jean Claude Killy, a gold medal winning Olympic skier. But when he’s doing his impressions of famous people and zaney antics is that not him being himself? Someone who likes to entertain (debatable) others? Why does it seem like ‘being yourself’ often means ‘be bland and uninteresting’.

Still, he has to go on a crazy run down the slopes before he has any success, impressing the ladies with his awesome ski skills. This negates the advice he was just given as this was actually his first time skiing and he just got lucky but the women thought he was great, so he went along with it. So don’t be yourself then, always be something you’re not. Lie, lie and lie again.

Not much to say about Copper Mountain as a film but as an advert for Copper Mountain Ski Resort, it’s fantastic.

Number 57: A Fox’s Tale (2008)

The first animated film on the list. And from Hungary too, another country to cross off the list. Truly, bad films are a global experience.

It does have a decent cast for the English dub of the film with Bill Nighy, Sienna Miller and Miranda Richardson adding their voices to the film. I imagine this is where the films budget went as they sure as hell didn’t spend any of it on the animation as this is truly horrendous. I don’t expect Toy Story levels of detail but this level of 3D animation wouldn’t have been acceptable on an early 90’s pc game. Chopping and swirling about all over the place, characters who look less convincing than Wallace & Gromit (I don’t even know how you do that) moving in bizarre ways.

Do not watch this film in one sitting. You will be ill.

From my background research (yes, I do research on these), A Fox’s Tale is an intended sequel to 1981 film The Little Fox, which is considered a highpoint for Hungarian animated films. I won’t argue that but if true, what a way to shit all over its legacy with this turd.

The story is something about animals being taken from the forest and made to perform in a circus. Led by Jack the fox they plan their escape, though the circus is right next to the forest and there aren’t any fences so it’s not exactly The Great Escape. There’s also a subplot about a young female acrobat and a supposedly disabled boy in a wheelchair. I say supposedly as he’s able to walk at the end and we're supposed to be amazed at this but even before that he moves his legs to trip up a goon. I say he’s just lazy.

Don’t worry if you miss anything though, as a crow turns up every few minutes to rap at you everything that’s just happened. I think it’s meant to make this film seem cool and hip but it reminds me of old CBBC series Maid Marion, which would have musical breaks every so while to recap the story of each episode. And that was never cool nor hip but still better than A Fox’s Tale.

They all escape and its happy endings all round. I think. It’s hard to concentrate with animation that juts about all over the place.

It’s always tempting to go easier on a film if it’s targeted at children but in this case, I don’t think so. If anything we need to be harder as children need to learn an important lesson: Half-arsing it like this is absolutely not acceptable.

It’s times like these I wonder what I am doing, watching a badly animated, Hungarian children’s cartoon and getting worked up about it. But I'm committed to it now, so I plow on...