Number 64: Warrior of the Lost World (1983)
How to summarise Warrior
of the Lost World, well I suppose it’s a case of 1984 meets Mad Max meets Knightrider meets a Duran Duran music
video. And if that’s not a strange enough mix for you it’s got Donald Pleasance
in it to.
Donald Pleasance was a fine actor (The Great Escape, Halloween) but he was in a lot of crud. Sadly
(spoiler alert) he does come up again in the bottom 100. He’s in full Blofeld
mode here as Prosser, the Big Brother of this new dystopia, replete with its
own SS-style army. Actually, as far as post-Apocalyptic worlds go, this one is
rather pleasant. It has green trees and everything.
The hero, known simply as The Rider (Robert Ginty), is
recruited by The Elders to rescue a professor and lead the revolution against
Pleasance. I’m not exactly sure who the Elders are but I think they are some
sort of demi-Gods, Rider has to pass through a portal to reach their domain.
To aid him in his quest is Einstein, a computer on his
motorcycle. Unlike KiT though in Knightrider
though, Einstein is completely useless and even more annoying. He also has
Nastasia as our love interest for the film but she gets captured freeing the
Professor Mcwayne, who is her father, and that’s basically her out of the film
until the end.
The Rider goes out into the wilds to recruit the savages for
his revolution. He persuades them all to join him in a big fist-fight. It’s the
only language these people understand.
Along the way, Rider picks up the MEGAWEAPON, an admittedly
cool steel plated truck with spikes that shoots flames.
So, they get to the city and kill the guards. The sound gets a bit funny here, as they are clearly using sub-machine guns but the noise is like laser fire. Kind of. Actually, it's more like a rippling fart.
They free Nastasia who
is under hypnosis and kill Prosser. Or do they? The ending sets up the
possibility of a sequel. I love the optimism.
According to director David Worth, he was flown over to
Italy to make this film without being given a script. He was given a poster and
told, ‘make a movie out of that.’ So we should probably give him some credit
for that, even if the poster did make promises it couldn’t deliver.
Number 63: Leonard, part 6 (1987)
So, it’s a Bill Cosby comedy. Lawyers on standby.
I’m stunned by this film. This is the 38th film
I’ve watched of the bottom 100 so far and it is by far and away the worst of
the lot. Frighteningly, there are still 62 to go rated as worse than this.
Let’s just go into. There is a lot to cover in why this is so bad, so let’s
just get to it:
Bill Cosby, beloved entertainer (well, he was then) and star
of the highly successful The Cosby Show,
is Leonard Parker, a retired CIA agent. He is recruited back by the CIA for one
last mission by Joe Don Baker who has become fatter, less charismatic and less
likable then he was in Mitchell (see
number 84).
The master villain in this is a vegetarian militant called
Medusa, who plans to control all the animals to take over the world. Medusa is
played by the late Gloria Foster, who will be best remembered for playing The
Oracle in the first two Matrix movies.
And she must have had a whale of a time making this as she has the best looking
henchmen you will ever see all clad out in white spandex. At least someone was
having fun.
Leonard is assisted by his British manservant Frayn, who
also serves as narrator. Brilliant. I love narrators. Especially in comedy
films. Because if there is one thing a comedy needs it’s a narrator to explain
why it’s all so funny. He does at least explain why there is no part 1-5. Too dangerous
apparently, so we should count our blessings.
CIA agents are being killed by
animals such as squirrels, frogs and a trout. Yes, a trout. Just the one mind,
not a school of them. The CIA recruit Leonard to steal a sphere Medusa is using
to control the animal but he doesn’t want to do it and goes on a date with his
estranged wife who he still loves instead. That doesn’t go well when he ends up
with dinner all over him, so now he’s back in the game.
After a suiting up sequence, he goes off to get the sphere
but not before stopping off to see a fortune teller who gives him a pair of
ballet shoes. He uses the shoes to defeat Medusa’s ‘dancers’, weird hairy
birdmen basically. Yeah, Bill Cosby beats them in a dance off.
He gets the sphere, brings it back to the CIA but then his
wife is kidnapped. So he steals it back again to return to Medusa. This leads
us to our climax and oh, is this special.
Leonard is double crossed and put in a cell with his wife. A
horde of lobsters are sent in to kill them but Leonard frightens them off with
some melted butter (that’s just the start of it) and they escape. They free all
the animals and stop Medusa’s plan to destroy the world. Leonard fights off the
henchmen by throwing meat at them. Did you know a vegetarians skin burns when
it touches meat? It’s like sunlight to a vampire for them. Put a sausage in
their mouth and their head will literally explode. The more you know.
With Medusa and her goons vanquished, Leonard destroys the
chemical vats used to power the sphere by dropping Alka-Seltzer in them. He
escapes the now increasingly filling warehouse by riding out the window riding
the back of an ostrich. And once you’ve seen Bill Cosby riding on an ostrich, you
can’t unsee it.
Leonard re-unites with his wife and they celebrate by
pouring food all over him. 9 ½ Weeks it
isn’t.
And if you think that’s all as stupid as it sounds, it is.
I suppose the lesson here is vegetarianism, not always a
good thing. Can in rare cases lead to genocide (copyright Bill Bailey, although
ironically Bill Cosby is now a vegetarian).
There, a review of a Bill Cosby movie and not a single
reference to him being a sexual deviant. Oh damn.
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