Number 72: Devouring Waves (1984)
Or Devilfish as
it’s otherwise known. And this comes from Italy, making their contribution to
the worst films ever.
If a film becomes popular, it is inevitable that imitators
will spring up. After Star Wars a
glut of sci-fi movies in space came out of varying quality. In this case, Jaws is the film being homage but the
makers have differentiated it enough by making it a large shark/octopus hybrid.
Those cheeky Italians.
There’s also a plot about a team of dolphin researchers
being hassled by mobsters because if there’s one thing I know about the Mafia,
it’s that they hate dolphins.
So the sharktopus has been killing people in the bay off, to
be honest I don’t know where the bay is off, let’s say Rimini. A group of
researchers try to capture the creature but the mobsters try to stop them.
Luckily, the monster has a sense of social justice and kills the criminals
allowing the good guy and gal to get away.
We then find out it was their employers who had created the
creature and hired the goons, DUHN DUHN DUHNN! And furthermore it can reproduce
asexually. I don’t quite understand the reasons behind its creation. The guy in
charge said it was to do with mankind’s future being under the sea but it
didn’t make a lot of sense.
The beast is lured into a small inlet and after a game of
cat and mouse burn it alive with flamethrowers.
I like that they tried to do their own thing with it rather
than a straight copy but Devilfish lacks
the tension and great characters that made Jaws
such a classic. It’s a nice effort but it just doesn’t compare.
Number 71: Chairman of the Board (1998)
Prior to watching this I had to research exactly who star of
this movie, Carrot Top, actually is. It turns out he’s an improv comedian who
uses lots of props in his act. I can already tell this will be painful.
Carrot Top looks exactly as you’d imagine him to, with his
big mop of red hair atop his bonce. Carrot Top is a whacky character a bit like
Pee Wee Herman but without the charm. Or the likeability. Or any funny jokes.
Carrot Top plays Edison, who is an inventor (you see Edison?
As in Thomas Edison the, ahem, ‘inventor’). He lives out on the beach, surfing the days away and coming up with
rubbish inventions. But he needs to pay his rent so he goes out looking for a,
gulp, job. Then you get a montage of him trying out lots of menial jobs and
sucking at all of them, such as being a crash test dummy. Wow, such
originality.
He comes across an old man whose car has broken down at the
side of the road and wouldn’t you know it, he’s a surfer too. They go out
surfing the waves and having a great time. A couple of days pass and the old
man has died and would you believe it, he was only the CEO of a large ‘inventions’
company. And he’s only named our Edison as his successor. Truly, their brief
encounter was the greatest romance of our age.
You really don’t need me to explain what happens next do
you? It’s the same thing that happens in every movie where a whacky character
is put in charge of a stuffy corporation. Apparently, all they really want to
do is have a big game of twister. Workers don’t need wages, no all they really
need is to have a beach party.
The antagonist of this film is a guy called Bradford, the
son of the old man who died, who is actually quite understandably pissed off
about being passed over in favour of Carrot Top. He’s played by Larry Miller,
one of my favourite ‘what have I seen him in before?’ actors and just about the
only good thing in this movie. The only genuinely funny lines in the film are
said by him and that’s not a good thing as this film was supposed to be
promoting Carrot Top (you know what? I hate his juvenile name, Carrot Top. From
now on if I’m referring to the actor I’m using his real name, Scott Thompson)
Bradford tries to set up Edison to fail but obviously he
succeeds and the company becomes more profitable than it’s ever been.
His big success is ‘TV Dinners’, literally ready meals with
a miniature TV inside the tray, showing a complete disregard for economics and
the practicalities of ever implementing such a product. Think about it, what
you are effectively buying is a portable television but at the same price as a
regular ready meal. No wonder people were buying four at a time but where are
you making your money?
Bradford does eventually get Edison is trouble, when a man
claims to have caught a disease from his TV Dinner and he is booted off the
board. However, Edison soon realises it was all a trick using ‘Glo-Gunk’, a
body paint he invented that glows in the dark (I hate to break it to you Edi,
but fluorescent body paint already exists and has done for some time).
Edison goes back to confront Bradford and doesn’t let a
little thing like lack of evidence bother him. Luckily, Bradford is in a board
meeting and is wearing a ‘bullshirt’. It’s a shirt that glows and makes farting
noises every time you lie. Why is he wearing that? How has he not noticed the
rather large battery in his shirt pocket? It makes no sense, there’s no set-up
for it. There’s been no mention of a shirt like this before. Frankly, it’s a
load of bullshirt.
Anyway, Bradford gets kicked out, Edison is re-instated and
I get distracted by how much like Statler and Waldorf from The Muppets two of the board members look. Everyone goes to a beach
party.
Chairman of the Board
is a predictable story, strung out with gags that are either ridiculously
puerile or insultingly unfunny. This was supposed to be Scott Thompson’s big
chance of crossing over to the mainstream but it failed miserably. From what I’ve
read, Thompson’s stand-up is very funny, very clever and very inventive.
Three qualities sadly lacking here.
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