Number 74: Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders
(1996)
God help me, I was actually looking forward to this. The
last few films I’ve watched have all been so serious and broody, I was actually
looking forward to seeing something a little lighter in tone.
Merlin’s Shop of
Mystical Wonders is actually two short films, linked by an old man telling
stories to his grandson. The grandfather is played by Oscar winner Ernest
Borgnine (I think that’s three Oscar winners so far on this list?). He pops up
intermittently during the stories to provide exposition but it all comes off as
poor storytelling. It’s like when you tell your friend a joke, they don’t get
it and you realise that’s because you forgot to tell them the most important
part which would have made it work. So you end up saying, ‘Did I mention we
were in a zoo?’
The first story involves the titular shop. A man called
Jonathan has a job reviewing stores for a newspaper and wanders into Merlin’s
store. Merlin has returned as the world needs magic or something. His store is
more like a mystical cave and has lots of weird creatures inside. Jonathan
obviously believes Merlin is bogus and is going to give his store a bad review,
to change his mind Merlin gives him a book of his magic spells.
The spells work and Jonathan goes mad with power. He tries
different spells out and turns his cat into a crazed creature. But using magic
comes at a cost, Jonathan has aged considerably in a few hours. He uses a
rejuvenation that requires his wife’s blood but it reverts too far and he turns
into a baby. There was a subplot with his wife always wanting a baby but
couldn’t have one, now she has a son who is also her husband. How very Norfolk.
The second story begins with a robber stealing a monkey toy
from Merlin’s shop. This is actually a cheap trick as what follows is actually
a highly edited version of 1984 film The
Devil’s Gift. Basically, the monkey toy is possessed by an evil demon and
whenever it clashes its cymbals, someone dies. If that sounds familiar, that’s
probably because Stephen King wrote a short story with the same premise but he
isn’t given any writing credits here. It was outright plagiarised.
This segment chiefly focuses on the efforts the father of
the family goes to in order to get rid of the monkey once a psychic makes it
clear to him the toy is evil. When they need to cut large portions of the
original film, they cut to Merlin searching for the toy monkey. In the end,
just as it looks like the story is coming to its menacing conclusion, Merlin
arrives in the nick of time to stop the monkey’s cymbals clashing and takes it
back to his shop (if you’re wondering, the point Merlin turns up here is the
same time The Devil’s Gift ended).
The best way to imagine this film is as an extended edition
of Tales from the Crypt but with
Ernest Borgnine taking on the role of The Cryptkeeper. Only not as good.
Number 73: The Starfighters (1964)
Don’t be fooled by the title, there is no space action in
this film. No, these Starfighters are manned by regular US Air Force pilots. Top Gunning
it 20 years before Top Gun was a thing.
I’m not sure if this is really a movie or an 80 minute
commercial for the Lockheed F-104 Starfighter jet. Certainly after watching this I
am convinced the F-104 is the best fighter jet in the world. It’s definitely
way superior to those pussy F-100’s and 86's the pilots had been flying before. The
idiots.
The first 20 minutes of the film explains all about the new
fighter jet, it’s advanced aerodynamics, improved weapon systems and how it has
already proven itself to be superior on missions to other tactical aircraft.
There is a story about a young Lieutenant who wants to be a
fighter jet pilot but his congressman father wants him to be a bomber pilot on
a B-52. What a fool, doesn’t he realise the superior aerodynamic capabilities
of the F-104 compared to all other active military aircraft?
But seriously, all this tacked on story stuff just gets in
the way of the shots of the F-104’s in action and talk about the advantages of
the F-104’s over other planes. Did you know the F-104 is much easier to refuel mid-flight
than previous models?
As an advert for Lockheed, The Starfighters is fine but as a movie not so much. There’s no
antagonist, no enemy they have to fight, not even any rivalry between the
pilots. The closest we come to drama is when one pilot loses his plane over the Nevada desert on a training exercise but then suffers zero repercussions.
If you’re a plane enthusiast, you might enjoy all the long
shots of the F-104 in flight and there is a lot of information packed inside
about its development but if not there isn’t a lot here for you.
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