IMDB Bottom 100: No's 80 & 79 - Miss Castaway and Santa with Muscles

Number 80: Miss Castaway and the Island Girls (2004)

It’s got Michael Jackson in it. What else do you need to know?

Well, I suppose I better say something else about it. It’s an Airplane-style spoof about a group of models on their way to a beauty pageant when their plane crashes on a desert island (it’s weird that two of the last three films I’ve watched have involved beautiful women stranded on an island). There’s a giant dino-pig monster on the island and they find Noah’s ark, which gorillas from Planet of the Apes intend to use, somehow, to take over the world.

And Michael Jackson helps one of the pilots who survived the crash defeat the apes.

If that all sounds like a lot of fun, rest assured: it isn’t. There are a (very) few amusing sight gags but mostly it concerns itself with referencing other movies. I gave up watching for laughs early on and just started counting the references.

So, we have references to: Austin Powers, Jurassic Park, Catch Me If You Can, Miss Congeniality, Green Mile, Con-Air, Sixth Sense, Indiana Jones, Mission Impossible, The Matrix, James Bond, Scream, Castaway, Fantasia, Star Wars, Forrest Gump, Lord of the Flies, Planet of the Apes, A Perfect Storm, Superman, Tron, Hunt for Red October, Jaws, South Park, Men in Black, Star Trek, Spider-man, War Games, Harry Potter, Wizard of Oz, Titanic, ET, Lord of the Rings and Armageddon.

And those are just the ones I caught.

References in place of any actual jokes. Worth seeing for the curiosity value of Michael Jackson (not that he does much) but that’s about it.

Number 79: Santa with Muscles (1996)

Confession time: when I was 8 years old, I was a little Hulkamaniac. I said my prayers and took my vitamins. I had a Hulk Hogan action figure and would sing about being ‘a Real American.’ (I’ve been to America once in my life). Hulk Rules and Hulkamania would live forever.

Now I’m older, the truth about my idol is better known to me. ‘Vitamins’ was just a euphemism for steroids, he’s a reality tv star, sex-tape making racist. And you know what else? He wasn’t even that good a wrestler.

The less said about his film career the better. Suburban Commando was ok but everything else is just awful. Well, Rocky III is ok but that’s more down to Mr T than anything Hulk Hogan done.

The Hulkster doesn’t even look himself in this film with his short hair and lack of bald spot, he's a lot smaller than you remember (the steroid withdrawal had hit him bad). He’s plays a millionaire called Blake, who has a 1001 rules about being an arsehole. Then he gets hit on the head and a guy desperate for his money to pay the mob, convinces him that he is Santa Claus. But Santa, with muscles. That slightly misrepresents the chracter of Lenny, as though he does want Blake’s money, he’s not actually a bad guy.

There’s an orphanage that needs saving from an evil criminal known as Mr Frost who is after the quartz crystal buried underneath the orphanage. Hogan fights him off with his 24-inch pythons, protecting the children (including a young Mila Kunis).

After Hogan does regain his memory, he’s a changed man and still wants to go out to protect the orphanage.  As Hulk battles off the goofy henchmen (and woman) there is what is actually a fairly well done twist: Blake and Frost are former best friends, who had both grew up in the orphanage. This actually explains how Blake knew the combination to the vault where the crystals were being stored. What ruins it sadly, is there is no explanation of how they had both forgotten this.

Unfortunately the crystals Frost is after are very unstable and the fight between Blake and Frost causes an explosion that destroys the orphanage. But Blake lets them all stay at his mansion and we all have jelly and ice cream.

It’s supposed to be a Christmas movie but the California sunshine doesn’t really make it feel that way. I know that’s just the Californian climate but sounds of jingle bells and images of glorious sunshine just don’t mix.

On the whole, Santa with Muscles, well it’s a poor effort really. The jokes fall flat, the cuteness from the kids is forced and there’s not much tension to it. Usually in a film, if someone finds out you aren’t who you say you are, you have to go on a path of redemption to regain their trust. This doesn’t happen here. Hogan thinks he’s Santa until he gets hit on the head and becomes Blake again. And nobody cares. And it's cheesy as hell but what else would a Hulk Hogan movie be?

I’ll leave the last word on this to the Hulkster:

‘Whatcha gonna do???!!! When Santa with Muscles runs wild, on you! Brother!’




(these are from IMDB Bottom 100 list as it was on 31st August 2015)